I guess I should start by saying that I am a Christian. A statement that I've not boldly declared as a badge or a weapon in my life, although I believe it was never a secret to anyone who knows me. Not a secret but not a matter of conversation either. I was raised in a very religious church, one with so many thou shalt nots that it left my head spinning. My family includes a generational line of pastors in it and we lived, even though my parents were not pastors, under a microscope because our grandparents were pastors. So, take all of the thou shalt nots and multiply them by 100 for us. We often lived near our grandparents and so the preacher's grandkid thing is just as taxing as the preacher's kid thing is. It was quite suffocating.
Add to these facts that I am obedient and I am terrified of doing the wrong thing, perfectionist, and you can probably see how I added to my own perceived stress. I went to bed nightly scared to death that if God came back, or I died in my sleep, that I would go to hell for some random mean or selfish thought I had. My salvation was so fragile - God could smite me at any given moment. I was terrified of hell. The end.
I lived most of my life terrified. I left our denominational faith in my late 20s. I was newly married and I had never been to another church. Ok, I had been to a few different denominations with friends but never as a matter of choice. As a newlywed, we felt drawn to a certain church in our community. It was like a magnetic force drawing us unto itself and yet I felt terrified to change churches because we never did that. We found one and stuck with it, when I was a kid. Plus, this one didn't have our denominational stamp on it. Yikes!
This church was life changing. I was freed of my pure terror. I finally realized that God loved me. He really, really, really loves me. Really. He does. I cannot stop His love. I cannot fathom His love. I could not believe His love for me was so deep and so pure and so unending. I could weep. This church also had someone sharing with us how we needed to fight for our Christian rights. I do believe our individual rights are being targeted daily. I was still just faithfully trusting the church and wasn't quite thinking an opposing thought yet. I may have, I cannot remember if I did or not, signed something against gay marriage. It was suggested but I do not remember whether or not I actually signed my name to anything. I hope I didn't.
I never knew anyone who was gay my whole life. Okay, I am sure I did. Well, yes I totally did. I just never heard them declare those words to me and so I wasn't one to judge them. I had a personal family friend who was practically destroyed by those who thought he was gay. He was targeted and made miserable because others thought he was. He always said he wasn't and I watched him push through that journey with such forgiveness and love that I decided that until Rose O'Donnell announced, with her own mouth, that she was gay - I wouldn't believe it. It wasn't for me to say. His whole life was ruined. It hurts my heart still. He has since passed on and yet his life was such a delight to our family. He was a beloved friend.
Now, here we are in such a public battle about Gays vs. Christians. It hurts my heart. I have my own thoughts now. I know who I am and what I believe. I know who God has faithfully been to me and I know my Bible lessons quite clearly. You know that Bible story that can be best summarized by 'do not focus on taking a toothpick out of your neighbors eye while you are toting a telephone pole in your own eye' and the one that says 'work out your OWN salvation'? Those cannot be forgotten. Many would declare that they 'love' the gays and are trying to 'save' them. That isn't our job. Ours is to love one another and leave the saving to God. Ours is to share the gospel with others, if they are inclined to hear us, and leave them to decide that they accept Christ or not.
I fear that what the church is experiencing a bit of their bullying fruit. Sorry, but it is true. When they so harshly attacked the rights of a community to marry whomever they wanted - that was bullying. To believe that the gay lifestyle is sin does not give Christians the right to impose their beliefs on that community by making a law. As I recall, Christ came to save us because we could not fulfill the law. Creating a law to limit the choices of another group of people is controlling and goes against everything I've come to know about God. God allows us to freely choose Him. He never said, "Let all who come to me, join us. To those who don't, let us make laws to make their lives miserable." No. He told us to love one another. We were to be light. The judging and declaring of who is sinning and who isn't is for Him to say, not us.
Sadly, people who very well may not have hostility towards the gay community are being targeted with venomous hatred for believing the Bible. I believe the Bible and yet I do not find it my place to limit or judge another. I am to raise my children up, in the way they should go, and leave the rest to God. I am raising them up to love their neighbor as they love themselves. I am raising them to love the Lord their God with all of their heart, mind and soul. The rest - that's in God's hands. I was raised on thou shalt nots and if there is a thou shalt not I embrace it is this, 'thou shalt not pass on the terrifying fear of God' that I was raised on. God is big enough and good enough and loving enough to direct our path. The Bible is true and yet, we all fall short. That is why we need a Savior. It isn't for me to measure the sin of my neighbor. That is for God. I am to live my life as I believe is right and just without shoving my views down their throat. My life will shine and I will be light and the rest is Gods.
Now, another thing I teach my kids, and I believe the Christians and the Gay community could use is this. When my kids argue I often have to remind them of this truth. "Just because you do not agree with your brother or sister does NOT mean that they are mean. It simply means you disagree." You see, I do not believe that gay people are mean or awful. I do not believe that Christian people are mean or awful. I do believe that certain gays and certain Christians have been horribly mean and cruel - the ones who try to shove their beliefs on one another are being bullies. This is true of both sides. We can disagree and still treat one another kindly. All of these laws to force people to agree with one another is stupid. It will never do what really matters; laws will not soften hearts towards one another. God is love. Hatred and anger and bullying are not His method. His ways are loving and kind. Any effort that is pursued in hatred and bullying anger are mean acts. Differing opinions are not.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
I CRY OUT!
I am the oldest of four children. My parents had 4 kids in 5 years. Wow! That alone is reason for insanity, the reasons for insanity abound, and yet they are very sane! I have 3 and the first two were 18 months apart while number 3 mozied into our lives 5 years after our second baby was born. Three kids in seven years. You would think I would have had 'controlled chaos' and yet I was a bit of a wreck.
There has been a problem that I've witnessed within my home lately. My two older kids do not want to cry when they feel upset. A part of me thinks 'this is normal - who really wants to be seen crying' and yet I know the high value our tears bring to us. I have been praying for God to help them understand the high value of their tears, our tears wash our soul. They free us from the icky feeling we are walking through. They bring healing. Tears are good - necessary! A true gift from God! And yet - they both stifle them. One claiming that 'boys don't cry, their eyes just leak sometimes' and the other not even excusing it - just refusing it.
I've watched my three year old have a meltdown of epic proportions and I've watched myself tell her to go into her room to cry and when she is done she can come back in with the family. As a new mom I read every parenting book I could find. I was desperate to do this 'Mom thang' right! I've wanted to do everything I put my hands to 'right'. Boy did I miss the boat! What a shallow goal!
I am reminded of a book, and class, that discussed personality types and how to correct misbehavior and 'unwanted tantrums' by sending the child to wail alone. The whole, 'they want an audience' theory - no audience, no wailing. I tried that method and it doesn't really resolve things. They stopped crying - but that was the wrong goal. They needed my help weeping and talking it out and I put them in isolation. Ugh, how that pains me to admit.
You see, yesterday, I was fussing at a child and they began to cry a heartfelt 'I'm sorry' and between my blinking - they stopped. Their face went from brokenness and a repentant heart to a distance in their eyes. This is something I've noticed a lot lately - the lack of presence when being corrected and the lack of emotion. I have been praying for this child to 'see the light' and that is when I finally saw the light.
This AM, as reflecting on the recent refusal of tears, I asked God, "Why does this child stifle their tears?" As quickly as I thought/asked it, I had my answer. They stifle their tears because that is what I have been teaching them. I had the clearest visual of my 'new mom' self holding my one week old daughter, my precious gift, screaming, "STOP CRYING!!!" I needed sleep. I was tired. My whole world had changed and I just couldn't take the wailing on top of everything else. PLEASE MAKE HER STOP CRYING, God! PLEASE! I AM GOING CRAZY!!!! I CANNOT TAKE IT! I was having a physical reaction to her tears. It hurt me. I did not know how to stop it. I couldn't make it better and so my needs became the focus for me instead of theirs. I did this with all three of them. I may have taken the time to tell them why certain things were right or wrong on countless issues but their tears, their pain, and their frustration - just stop it! I couldn't help them with that.
Sure, you may say, "Don't be too hard on yourself. We've all thought that or maybe even said that." But I must tell you that it didn't stop there. I wanted the unending chattering of my toddlers to stop too. I wanted the toddler tantrums to stop. I wanted the bickering children to stop and I basically wanted an on/off button for them, if I am totally honest. It was too hard. I didn't know I would never have an uninterrupted moment again. I was desperate for quiet and yet I knew that I would long for these days again as soon as they stopped.
Lest we all think, 'it couldn't be that you taught them to reject their tears', I must tell you how I chose to begin our day today. I gathered all three of my kids together and had them look at my eye. I told them, "Do you see that?" "What, Mom?" "That hole in my eye." "Oh, yes I see it." "Uh-huh" "I see it TOO!" "Well, do you think God makes mistakes or do you think God created us on purpose?" A hearty and in unison "ON PURPOSE!" "Well, that is a hole God made for your tears. Tears kind of wash our soul of icky feelings. We NEED our tears. They bring healing to us." "Uh-huh" and then it happened.... an angry "THEN WHY DID YOU ALWAYS TELL US TO BE QUIET AND 'SUCK IT UP' THEN!?" (while demonstrating the physical position I would tell them to be in while gaining self-control) Yep! My parenting style never grew.
I began a process of 'force' parenting and I never grew into leading them effectively. I asked God for help in countless areas of parenting but I NEVER asked him for help in how to nurture or soothe my babies. I just asked him to shut them up. I never thought to ask. I am shocked to have never thought that out differently. I was so deep into the parenting books, which 'taught' me how to make them behave the way I wanted, that I never looked up. I wanted to be right. I wanted to do it all the 'right way'. I never asked the One Who really had the answers to help.... until now.
So, I was already tearing up when this child exploded their frustrations and I said, weeping by this point and barely able to speak, "I know. It is totally my fault. I taught you the wrong thing. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I wasn't. Can you please forgive me?" At which point they all began hugging me while asking me to 'not cry'. They began discussing how they do not want to cry at school and I talked through a few possible scenarios with them but ended with "what if your tears not only heal you but provoke someone to see how they hurt you and your tears just may help heal them too?"
Our tears are a gift. Our sadness expressed is a gift. Our anger, when rightly expressed is a gift. Our suppressed tears, anger, and feelings are a toxic problem. God forgive me for passing on my desire to 'control'. May we walk in the freedom of forgiveness and may we weep freely when necessary, without apologizing or trying to stifle one another. Teach me how to nurture my children. Teach me how to equip them to handle their feelings. Teach me how to point them to you. Teach us how to cry out for Your way! I yield control to You, Father! Forgive me, I knew not what I was doing. I had NO idea that I was harming them. I was trying to stop the chaos. Forgive me for not growing but for clinging to my parenting books. I yield to You, Father! I yield to You!
My heart is not full of guilt and 'shoulda couldas'. I am thankful for that. I have a hearty confidence that this revelation is evidence that this battle is on it's way to mending or is finished. Whenever God brings clarity - He brings healing. Every time! I am a weepy mess now, but I know the power every tear holds. I may cry a thousand tears today - but I do it gladly. My tears are my gift. May that truth sink deeply into the hearts and souls of my children. May we walk boldly into this new arena of learning to nurture and encourage rather than pushing 'our way' through. May we stop and seek the only true resource, our Creator! The One Who knows us better than we know ourselves!
It's a new season, it's a new day! Fresh anointing - is coming our way. It's a season of power, and prosperity. It's a new season, coming to me (us)! The Season of Nurturing, and not stifling, shall begin! Lord, show me YOUR way!
There has been a problem that I've witnessed within my home lately. My two older kids do not want to cry when they feel upset. A part of me thinks 'this is normal - who really wants to be seen crying' and yet I know the high value our tears bring to us. I have been praying for God to help them understand the high value of their tears, our tears wash our soul. They free us from the icky feeling we are walking through. They bring healing. Tears are good - necessary! A true gift from God! And yet - they both stifle them. One claiming that 'boys don't cry, their eyes just leak sometimes' and the other not even excusing it - just refusing it.
I've watched my three year old have a meltdown of epic proportions and I've watched myself tell her to go into her room to cry and when she is done she can come back in with the family. As a new mom I read every parenting book I could find. I was desperate to do this 'Mom thang' right! I've wanted to do everything I put my hands to 'right'. Boy did I miss the boat! What a shallow goal!
I am reminded of a book, and class, that discussed personality types and how to correct misbehavior and 'unwanted tantrums' by sending the child to wail alone. The whole, 'they want an audience' theory - no audience, no wailing. I tried that method and it doesn't really resolve things. They stopped crying - but that was the wrong goal. They needed my help weeping and talking it out and I put them in isolation. Ugh, how that pains me to admit.
You see, yesterday, I was fussing at a child and they began to cry a heartfelt 'I'm sorry' and between my blinking - they stopped. Their face went from brokenness and a repentant heart to a distance in their eyes. This is something I've noticed a lot lately - the lack of presence when being corrected and the lack of emotion. I have been praying for this child to 'see the light' and that is when I finally saw the light.
This AM, as reflecting on the recent refusal of tears, I asked God, "Why does this child stifle their tears?" As quickly as I thought/asked it, I had my answer. They stifle their tears because that is what I have been teaching them. I had the clearest visual of my 'new mom' self holding my one week old daughter, my precious gift, screaming, "STOP CRYING!!!" I needed sleep. I was tired. My whole world had changed and I just couldn't take the wailing on top of everything else. PLEASE MAKE HER STOP CRYING, God! PLEASE! I AM GOING CRAZY!!!! I CANNOT TAKE IT! I was having a physical reaction to her tears. It hurt me. I did not know how to stop it. I couldn't make it better and so my needs became the focus for me instead of theirs. I did this with all three of them. I may have taken the time to tell them why certain things were right or wrong on countless issues but their tears, their pain, and their frustration - just stop it! I couldn't help them with that.
Sure, you may say, "Don't be too hard on yourself. We've all thought that or maybe even said that." But I must tell you that it didn't stop there. I wanted the unending chattering of my toddlers to stop too. I wanted the toddler tantrums to stop. I wanted the bickering children to stop and I basically wanted an on/off button for them, if I am totally honest. It was too hard. I didn't know I would never have an uninterrupted moment again. I was desperate for quiet and yet I knew that I would long for these days again as soon as they stopped.
Lest we all think, 'it couldn't be that you taught them to reject their tears', I must tell you how I chose to begin our day today. I gathered all three of my kids together and had them look at my eye. I told them, "Do you see that?" "What, Mom?" "That hole in my eye." "Oh, yes I see it." "Uh-huh" "I see it TOO!" "Well, do you think God makes mistakes or do you think God created us on purpose?" A hearty and in unison "ON PURPOSE!" "Well, that is a hole God made for your tears. Tears kind of wash our soul of icky feelings. We NEED our tears. They bring healing to us." "Uh-huh" and then it happened.... an angry "THEN WHY DID YOU ALWAYS TELL US TO BE QUIET AND 'SUCK IT UP' THEN!?" (while demonstrating the physical position I would tell them to be in while gaining self-control) Yep! My parenting style never grew.
I began a process of 'force' parenting and I never grew into leading them effectively. I asked God for help in countless areas of parenting but I NEVER asked him for help in how to nurture or soothe my babies. I just asked him to shut them up. I never thought to ask. I am shocked to have never thought that out differently. I was so deep into the parenting books, which 'taught' me how to make them behave the way I wanted, that I never looked up. I wanted to be right. I wanted to do it all the 'right way'. I never asked the One Who really had the answers to help.... until now.
So, I was already tearing up when this child exploded their frustrations and I said, weeping by this point and barely able to speak, "I know. It is totally my fault. I taught you the wrong thing. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I wasn't. Can you please forgive me?" At which point they all began hugging me while asking me to 'not cry'. They began discussing how they do not want to cry at school and I talked through a few possible scenarios with them but ended with "what if your tears not only heal you but provoke someone to see how they hurt you and your tears just may help heal them too?"
Our tears are a gift. Our sadness expressed is a gift. Our anger, when rightly expressed is a gift. Our suppressed tears, anger, and feelings are a toxic problem. God forgive me for passing on my desire to 'control'. May we walk in the freedom of forgiveness and may we weep freely when necessary, without apologizing or trying to stifle one another. Teach me how to nurture my children. Teach me how to equip them to handle their feelings. Teach me how to point them to you. Teach us how to cry out for Your way! I yield control to You, Father! Forgive me, I knew not what I was doing. I had NO idea that I was harming them. I was trying to stop the chaos. Forgive me for not growing but for clinging to my parenting books. I yield to You, Father! I yield to You!
My heart is not full of guilt and 'shoulda couldas'. I am thankful for that. I have a hearty confidence that this revelation is evidence that this battle is on it's way to mending or is finished. Whenever God brings clarity - He brings healing. Every time! I am a weepy mess now, but I know the power every tear holds. I may cry a thousand tears today - but I do it gladly. My tears are my gift. May that truth sink deeply into the hearts and souls of my children. May we walk boldly into this new arena of learning to nurture and encourage rather than pushing 'our way' through. May we stop and seek the only true resource, our Creator! The One Who knows us better than we know ourselves!
It's a new season, it's a new day! Fresh anointing - is coming our way. It's a season of power, and prosperity. It's a new season, coming to me (us)! The Season of Nurturing, and not stifling, shall begin! Lord, show me YOUR way!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
It is Finally Well With Her Soul
Wow! We have been praying for our #1 girl and our #1 boy to have understanding with this baby loss all week long. Our first explanation left my big girl with more questions and confusion; but this morning I woke up with the words that I thought just may bring my #1 girl's heart back to a place of peace. Thank You GOD!!!!!! Her concerns were - Why did God change His mind? He never makes mistakes so, why did He take our baby away?
I realized that we have not had an official 'birds and the bees' talk and so her understanding is that God puts a baby in the Mommy's tummy and that is that. I explained to her that God takes a piece of the Mommy and a piece of the Daddy and mixes the pieces together to make a baby. Something could be wrong with the piece He uses, God could realize the baby would be too sick and not want it to suffer, or the devil could steal life. We do not know why this baby did not survive but God is good either way and He will restore our family. I shared with her that everyone likes to call the earth 'Mother Earth' because, just like a baby grows in a Mommy, seeds grow in the earth to produce beautiful trees and flowers. I then shared with her about Job, in the Bible.
I told her how the devil thought Job was only a good man who loved God because nothing bad ever happened to him. God allowed the devil to try to discourage Job and, no matter the loss, Job never stopped trusting and loving God. I told her even though Job lost his health, his children, his wife, his home and everything he owned - He still trusted in God and God's goodness. And because of Job's faith and love for God, God restored more than Job lost.
She giggled and said, "I get it. God can always turn things into a miracle. He could have healed the baby, if that was what He wanted to do, or He can give us a new baby, if that is what He wants to do." Tears welled up in her little eyes and a peace washed over her. God is still good! It is once again settled within her heart. The burden was lifted. PRAISE GOD!!! And then.... she giggled and said excitedly, 'God could give you a new baby when you are 90, like Abraham!' I said, not so excitedly, "Let's not pray and ask God for that!" She giggled and walked off with a peaceful heart in tact. And #1 son said he wasn't worried about it all, he knows God is good. Boys can be so matter of fact but I am glad I know his heart is settled too. <3
I realized that we have not had an official 'birds and the bees' talk and so her understanding is that God puts a baby in the Mommy's tummy and that is that. I explained to her that God takes a piece of the Mommy and a piece of the Daddy and mixes the pieces together to make a baby. Something could be wrong with the piece He uses, God could realize the baby would be too sick and not want it to suffer, or the devil could steal life. We do not know why this baby did not survive but God is good either way and He will restore our family. I shared with her that everyone likes to call the earth 'Mother Earth' because, just like a baby grows in a Mommy, seeds grow in the earth to produce beautiful trees and flowers. I then shared with her about Job, in the Bible.
I told her how the devil thought Job was only a good man who loved God because nothing bad ever happened to him. God allowed the devil to try to discourage Job and, no matter the loss, Job never stopped trusting and loving God. I told her even though Job lost his health, his children, his wife, his home and everything he owned - He still trusted in God and God's goodness. And because of Job's faith and love for God, God restored more than Job lost.
She giggled and said, "I get it. God can always turn things into a miracle. He could have healed the baby, if that was what He wanted to do, or He can give us a new baby, if that is what He wants to do." Tears welled up in her little eyes and a peace washed over her. God is still good! It is once again settled within her heart. The burden was lifted. PRAISE GOD!!! And then.... she giggled and said excitedly, 'God could give you a new baby when you are 90, like Abraham!' I said, not so excitedly, "Let's not pray and ask God for that!" She giggled and walked off with a peaceful heart in tact. And #1 son said he wasn't worried about it all, he knows God is good. Boys can be so matter of fact but I am glad I know his heart is settled too. <3
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The Baby Who Wasn't....
And so it goes.... March 28, 2012 brought an unexpected suprise (we were pregnant) and, although a new, uncertain knowing began again on Easter Sunday, the confirmation of what was again 'unexpected' came on April 9, 2012 (the baby was not). For 12 days we held the joy of hope within our hearts. For 12 days we were celebrating the gift of life and yet for me - even on March 28th there was a quiet knowing bubbling from the depths of my soul. This baby wasn't like the first three.
You see - I did celebrate life from the 1st moment. I did rejoice in the expectation of life and I always will because for 4 years I was found barren - and then baby #1 was knitted into my womb. An amazing nine months after #1 debuted, #2 was knitted into my womb. We were content and yet more babies were in our heart. The dream of more remained. It wasn't until another 5 years later that our joyful #3 came bouncing into our world. And now - the announcement of #4 came this March, while our #3 is a mere 22 months old. Now she is 23 months. :) Life is a gift. Life is a gift, even if for only 12 days and even if I cannot see the face and even if I do not have a labor to endure. 12 days of being is life.
My quiet knowing within was a strange detail. I have never 'miscarried' before. I know that is the term but in order for me to explain what has happened to my children - I needed to tell them that the baby died. And that is how it feels to me. I did nothing wrong, I did not miscarry, my baby died. My baby was not meant to live. That is what I believe. If my baby were meant to live - then live it would have! But back to my quiet knowing. As I told my husband we were pregnant, and we giggled with our secret, I had a feeling I've never had before. "What if this doesn't go as we hope?". With all of my difficutly in conceiving - I've NEVER had a 2nd thought about the life growing within, but this time.... I did. This time the dreamy feeling of 'who will this baby be?' was not. This time the dreamy wondering of 'is this a girl or a boy?' was not. I felt thrilled to my core and yet I wondered why the rest was a flatline of dreaming. I was curious but we shared our news none the less.
Why keep life a secret? I know many do just that and that is okay. I know we are all different but I could not dare keep such a secret. I've struggled for life too much to not celebrate. And I decided that IF this baby were not to be, I would not want to carry that load alone. I did not know what that would feel like but if I would be devastated - I can not imagine I would then announce "I was pregnant for 12 days and lost the baby." It would just seem WAY weird to do that. And so with my quiet wondering of, "will this baby live?' bubbling within - I fully enjoyed the 12 days of life.
I wanted to post this via my blog because I wanted to share my story and to warn you that at the next glimmer of life - I will again celebrate and announce with boldness. I will not be ruled by the fear of 'what if'. On Sunday, I felt a knowing something was wrong but without certainty. Yesterday, the doctor could not locate the baby on ultrasound and other signs of pregnancy were missing but I found myself very numb and feeling much of nothing really. I just pondered it all in my heart and yet a peace covered me. A knowing and a peace. Today I find myself fine one minute, with a lone tear the next, feeling a heaviness in my chest the next, almost bursting in tears the next, and then nothing. An unsettled experience but all the while with a stillness and peace. I am 'fine' as I can tell. For some strange reason that I cannot comprehend, I am dreading the "I'm sorries." and yet I know that is a part of the journey. I am confident that God will turn this all to my good. I am confident that God will turn this to the good of my husband and my children. He Who began a good work in me WILL be faithful to complete it.
I know that my God is good! At EVERY point of pain in my life - He has been faithful to restore and heal and love and care for me beautifully. He will do so again. My tummy feels empty today - emptier than I've ever known and yet I feel at peace. Only God could provide such rest in the midst of such disappointment. I remain yielded to the journey. My main concern remains with my children having to walk through this and yet I know God has a plan and purpose for them or they would not know this hurt. They were so happy to have a new sibling. But.... it remains well with our soul.
You see - I did celebrate life from the 1st moment. I did rejoice in the expectation of life and I always will because for 4 years I was found barren - and then baby #1 was knitted into my womb. An amazing nine months after #1 debuted, #2 was knitted into my womb. We were content and yet more babies were in our heart. The dream of more remained. It wasn't until another 5 years later that our joyful #3 came bouncing into our world. And now - the announcement of #4 came this March, while our #3 is a mere 22 months old. Now she is 23 months. :) Life is a gift. Life is a gift, even if for only 12 days and even if I cannot see the face and even if I do not have a labor to endure. 12 days of being is life.
My quiet knowing within was a strange detail. I have never 'miscarried' before. I know that is the term but in order for me to explain what has happened to my children - I needed to tell them that the baby died. And that is how it feels to me. I did nothing wrong, I did not miscarry, my baby died. My baby was not meant to live. That is what I believe. If my baby were meant to live - then live it would have! But back to my quiet knowing. As I told my husband we were pregnant, and we giggled with our secret, I had a feeling I've never had before. "What if this doesn't go as we hope?". With all of my difficutly in conceiving - I've NEVER had a 2nd thought about the life growing within, but this time.... I did. This time the dreamy feeling of 'who will this baby be?' was not. This time the dreamy wondering of 'is this a girl or a boy?' was not. I felt thrilled to my core and yet I wondered why the rest was a flatline of dreaming. I was curious but we shared our news none the less.
Why keep life a secret? I know many do just that and that is okay. I know we are all different but I could not dare keep such a secret. I've struggled for life too much to not celebrate. And I decided that IF this baby were not to be, I would not want to carry that load alone. I did not know what that would feel like but if I would be devastated - I can not imagine I would then announce "I was pregnant for 12 days and lost the baby." It would just seem WAY weird to do that. And so with my quiet wondering of, "will this baby live?' bubbling within - I fully enjoyed the 12 days of life.
I wanted to post this via my blog because I wanted to share my story and to warn you that at the next glimmer of life - I will again celebrate and announce with boldness. I will not be ruled by the fear of 'what if'. On Sunday, I felt a knowing something was wrong but without certainty. Yesterday, the doctor could not locate the baby on ultrasound and other signs of pregnancy were missing but I found myself very numb and feeling much of nothing really. I just pondered it all in my heart and yet a peace covered me. A knowing and a peace. Today I find myself fine one minute, with a lone tear the next, feeling a heaviness in my chest the next, almost bursting in tears the next, and then nothing. An unsettled experience but all the while with a stillness and peace. I am 'fine' as I can tell. For some strange reason that I cannot comprehend, I am dreading the "I'm sorries." and yet I know that is a part of the journey. I am confident that God will turn this all to my good. I am confident that God will turn this to the good of my husband and my children. He Who began a good work in me WILL be faithful to complete it.
I know that my God is good! At EVERY point of pain in my life - He has been faithful to restore and heal and love and care for me beautifully. He will do so again. My tummy feels empty today - emptier than I've ever known and yet I feel at peace. Only God could provide such rest in the midst of such disappointment. I remain yielded to the journey. My main concern remains with my children having to walk through this and yet I know God has a plan and purpose for them or they would not know this hurt. They were so happy to have a new sibling. But.... it remains well with our soul.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Controversial Question
I've been raised as a Christian ALL the days of my life! I am so very grateful for that fact! What a beautiful gift that my family did give me - the generations before my immediate family included. But here I stand - a well groomed Christian feeling quite disconnected from the mass voice I once gladly joined. I have a question that just may not seem to be in line with the Christian norm. But here I go - because I've been pondering this for some time.
I wonder why it is that we, believers in Christ, have the right to shove our beliefs down the throats of others. Why is it the 'norm' to scold others for 'going to hell' and being so confrontational about their personal behaviors, the ones that are for them to choose alone. As I recall, MY God did not SHOVE His views down my throat. There is the simple fact that Jesus DID indeed come to earth and died on the cross to save me from my sinful ways. He DID do that but.... then, the best part of all, He let me choose to say yes to Him. He didn't twist my arm or beat me with my sins. He chased me in such a tender and loving way - one that was tailor made for me. He didn't scream at me and damn me and threaten me with hell. He was gentle and tender and loving and accepting.
Just imagine - if your husband forced you to believe and do as he said you should. Isn't that how the church has responded. "WE think that Christ died on the cross for ALL sinners and YOU people are about to burn in hell if you do not change. Live like we do or else!", is the mantra of many. Some believers even dare to kill those who disagree with their views. We desire laws to FORCE compliance or else. So much hatred and so much anger. So NOT the way of Christ!
See, the Christ I know loved me SO much that He gave me His best gift - and guess what.... He didn't wait until I was 'good enough' to give that gift to me. He gave it to me when I rejected it. He gave it to me when I didn't understand it. He gave it to me when I 'thought' I had fully understood and accepted it. He GAVE it to me even when I messed it up. He GAVE it to me even when I spoke poorly on His behalf. It was mine. I just had to choose to accept that gift. It has been mine since the foundations of the earth because it was the plan when He created the earth. He gave it with love, not anger and hate and threats. He gave it in hopes that I would see the value in it and gladly accept it.
So now - WHY, for the love of God, do we - those who said yes to His most generous gift of eternal life - WHY do we damn, rage, show anger, and judge those who have not yet said yes to Him. How could we expect someone who rejects Christ to honor Him with their lifestyle choices. How often does our desire to 'save the lost' end with our beating them so brutally, figuratively. Who would want our 'loving God'. You see, from where I stand today.... I serve and love a LOVING God who deals with me in a personal relationship. He loves me just as I am. How could I DARE present Him to another with the threat of hell? He isn't offering fire insurance. He is offering eternal life. God knows the combination to EVERY heart. He is the one who stirs us towards Him. How dare I, a believer in Christ, try to FORCE Him on another. I wasn't forced. How dare I think that I must right any and every wrong in the world by FORCING others to live by my standards. Yes, God's ways are better - but until someone KNOWS God for themselves they really do not care.
God stirs our hearts and draws us to Himself. I think the fact that there are Christians alive today shows us that He is more than able to save those who are willing to accept Him. Our job as believers is to be light. The last time I looked - my lamp wasn't screaming at me with threats of hell. It simply is light. It simply displaces the darkness. No convincing speeches are necessary. The light just IS light. Even if it isn't trying! So, why must we bash others. Here we are watching others fight for their freedoms and every time we try to impose our view on certain issues it simply causes the opposing view to dig in with more grit and here we now stand with attacks on our freedoms. Now they are force feeding us with THEIR ways. How about we all have our freedom to live as we will, you know - like God intended, and leave the saving to God. I bet we would see more good fruit from that choice than we ever will by trying to force our morals on another.
How about we trust God to save the lost and we just focus on being light (we do that by being more like Christ so that we have light in us) so that He can cause men to be drawn unto Himself and then He can point them to the light. How little faith we must have in our God if we think we must 'make it happen' by force rather than trusting Him and praying for our country and the lost. Right now, I believe our mouths and our efforts of trying to strong arm others into being like us is doing more harm than it is good. Let's pray for the lost instead of threaten them with hell. Hell is real. God is real. Let's give God the room to stir a heart and let's just shut our loud mouths. God is more than able to save this world. Our light should just shine. Our job is to be light. We do more good with a shut mouth and on bended knee than our best speech could ever do. A God appointed conversation is WAY more life changing than any planned conversation we will ever have. He is the savior, not us. How about we get out of His way, stop attacking the opposition, pray and then trust God with the rest. That's how He moves anyway. Our aggression should be aimed at the powers in hell. Our love should be aimed at the person. We are just delaying the process with all of our 'help'.
I wonder why it is that we, believers in Christ, have the right to shove our beliefs down the throats of others. Why is it the 'norm' to scold others for 'going to hell' and being so confrontational about their personal behaviors, the ones that are for them to choose alone. As I recall, MY God did not SHOVE His views down my throat. There is the simple fact that Jesus DID indeed come to earth and died on the cross to save me from my sinful ways. He DID do that but.... then, the best part of all, He let me choose to say yes to Him. He didn't twist my arm or beat me with my sins. He chased me in such a tender and loving way - one that was tailor made for me. He didn't scream at me and damn me and threaten me with hell. He was gentle and tender and loving and accepting.
Just imagine - if your husband forced you to believe and do as he said you should. Isn't that how the church has responded. "WE think that Christ died on the cross for ALL sinners and YOU people are about to burn in hell if you do not change. Live like we do or else!", is the mantra of many. Some believers even dare to kill those who disagree with their views. We desire laws to FORCE compliance or else. So much hatred and so much anger. So NOT the way of Christ!
See, the Christ I know loved me SO much that He gave me His best gift - and guess what.... He didn't wait until I was 'good enough' to give that gift to me. He gave it to me when I rejected it. He gave it to me when I didn't understand it. He gave it to me when I 'thought' I had fully understood and accepted it. He GAVE it to me even when I messed it up. He GAVE it to me even when I spoke poorly on His behalf. It was mine. I just had to choose to accept that gift. It has been mine since the foundations of the earth because it was the plan when He created the earth. He gave it with love, not anger and hate and threats. He gave it in hopes that I would see the value in it and gladly accept it.
So now - WHY, for the love of God, do we - those who said yes to His most generous gift of eternal life - WHY do we damn, rage, show anger, and judge those who have not yet said yes to Him. How could we expect someone who rejects Christ to honor Him with their lifestyle choices. How often does our desire to 'save the lost' end with our beating them so brutally, figuratively. Who would want our 'loving God'. You see, from where I stand today.... I serve and love a LOVING God who deals with me in a personal relationship. He loves me just as I am. How could I DARE present Him to another with the threat of hell? He isn't offering fire insurance. He is offering eternal life. God knows the combination to EVERY heart. He is the one who stirs us towards Him. How dare I, a believer in Christ, try to FORCE Him on another. I wasn't forced. How dare I think that I must right any and every wrong in the world by FORCING others to live by my standards. Yes, God's ways are better - but until someone KNOWS God for themselves they really do not care.
God stirs our hearts and draws us to Himself. I think the fact that there are Christians alive today shows us that He is more than able to save those who are willing to accept Him. Our job as believers is to be light. The last time I looked - my lamp wasn't screaming at me with threats of hell. It simply is light. It simply displaces the darkness. No convincing speeches are necessary. The light just IS light. Even if it isn't trying! So, why must we bash others. Here we are watching others fight for their freedoms and every time we try to impose our view on certain issues it simply causes the opposing view to dig in with more grit and here we now stand with attacks on our freedoms. Now they are force feeding us with THEIR ways. How about we all have our freedom to live as we will, you know - like God intended, and leave the saving to God. I bet we would see more good fruit from that choice than we ever will by trying to force our morals on another.
How about we trust God to save the lost and we just focus on being light (we do that by being more like Christ so that we have light in us) so that He can cause men to be drawn unto Himself and then He can point them to the light. How little faith we must have in our God if we think we must 'make it happen' by force rather than trusting Him and praying for our country and the lost. Right now, I believe our mouths and our efforts of trying to strong arm others into being like us is doing more harm than it is good. Let's pray for the lost instead of threaten them with hell. Hell is real. God is real. Let's give God the room to stir a heart and let's just shut our loud mouths. God is more than able to save this world. Our light should just shine. Our job is to be light. We do more good with a shut mouth and on bended knee than our best speech could ever do. A God appointed conversation is WAY more life changing than any planned conversation we will ever have. He is the savior, not us. How about we get out of His way, stop attacking the opposition, pray and then trust God with the rest. That's how He moves anyway. Our aggression should be aimed at the powers in hell. Our love should be aimed at the person. We are just delaying the process with all of our 'help'.
Monday, December 12, 2011
The Christmas TREASURE Hunt
Every year I want to make a meaningful impact on my kiddo's - I want them to embrace the love behind Christmas in a deeper way. I want them to know that CHRIST is what Christmas reflects - not a wish list for Santa. Yes, we do go see Santa - it is a fun family outing but we never label any gifts as being from Santa nor do we encourage a whole lot of hope or interest in Santa. My husband and I have fond memories of the innocent fun of it all and thus - we want to share that with our kids too. I know many disagree.
So - back to my point. This year we purchased a gift for the kids that is a little large and will live in the basement. It would not be 'under' the tree and I kept wondering how I would manage to draw them to the gift without saying, 'OH, I think something is missing," or such. Then it hit me - a treasure hunt. But what would I do to make it fun? Hmmmm.... It was then I had a HUGE light bulb moment - I realized what a FUN and truly memorable way to focus all of the gifts back to Christ - the treasure hunt could be the final gift and the redirect for their hearts.
So here is a glimpse at our TREASURE hunt to come (My kids are 8 and 6 - these clues will be a fun and age appropriate challenge for them. I look forward to seeing how this tradition will grow in the depth of clues and fun over the years to come. I plan to use this for a group or individual gift every year.):
We will begin with a package addressed to both of my big kids. They will open the gift and find a heart with LOVE written across it - the clue will read: "John 3:16, 'For God so loved the world that He GAVE His one and only Son...' All of the gifts you receive are a reminder of God's best gift of all - His love. He loved us SO much that He sent us His Son. For clue #2 find the baby doll wearing the next clue.
Clue #2 The baby - 1John 3:16 "We know what real love is because Christ GAVE up His life for us." Thank you Jesus for giving us your sacrifice on the cross. You chose to die for me! To find clue #3 find the green wreath.
Clue #3 The wreath on the front door - The wreath is a circle to remind us of God's FOREVER love for us. There is no beginning and no end. The green reminds us of eternal life. For clue #4 go find the lamp near the star.
Clue #4 The lamp - The lamp reminds us that Jesus is the Light of the world and we too are the light of the world. Every minute of every day we choose to let our light shine or not. The light that the shepherds saw shining over baby Jesus was a BRIGHT light in the surrounding darkness. We too shine brightly when we choose to let Jesus shine through us. The light showed the shepherds where to go - Jesus does this for us today and we can share that light with those around us. For clue #5 find a fruit-full place.
Clue #5 The fruit - 'If I stay in Jesus, I will have much fruit.' Our fruitful place is through the gifts of the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law." If we follow the example that Jesus gave us - if we say, 'Yes!' to Father God and if we say, 'No!' to our enemy - we too will bear much fruit. Fruit takes time to grow and it is hard work - but it is good when the fruit arrives! The more fruit we see in our life the more blessed our days will be. Gifts from God are always a blessing - and now you are ready to find your hidden treasure. Go back to school. (Our gift will be in our school room.)
I hope you enjoy this beautiful and God-given idea I happened upon. Do feel free to 'borrow' this - if you are so inclined. I know that I am so excited, wondering how this will grow with our family. I LOVE that it will ground them from all of the excitement and redirect the focus. I will not be reading them a story for the millionth time, although I will continue to read stories to them, but they will likely keep this memory much longer than any story I have read to them. I have been desperate for a window to pour truth into and I found one. I look forward to seeing the fruit these truths will bear. Blessings and Merry Christmas - from the MorningSong family!! :)
So - back to my point. This year we purchased a gift for the kids that is a little large and will live in the basement. It would not be 'under' the tree and I kept wondering how I would manage to draw them to the gift without saying, 'OH, I think something is missing," or such. Then it hit me - a treasure hunt. But what would I do to make it fun? Hmmmm.... It was then I had a HUGE light bulb moment - I realized what a FUN and truly memorable way to focus all of the gifts back to Christ - the treasure hunt could be the final gift and the redirect for their hearts.
So here is a glimpse at our TREASURE hunt to come (My kids are 8 and 6 - these clues will be a fun and age appropriate challenge for them. I look forward to seeing how this tradition will grow in the depth of clues and fun over the years to come. I plan to use this for a group or individual gift every year.):
We will begin with a package addressed to both of my big kids. They will open the gift and find a heart with LOVE written across it - the clue will read: "John 3:16, 'For God so loved the world that He GAVE His one and only Son...' All of the gifts you receive are a reminder of God's best gift of all - His love. He loved us SO much that He sent us His Son. For clue #2 find the baby doll wearing the next clue.
Clue #2 The baby - 1John 3:16 "We know what real love is because Christ GAVE up His life for us." Thank you Jesus for giving us your sacrifice on the cross. You chose to die for me! To find clue #3 find the green wreath.
Clue #3 The wreath on the front door - The wreath is a circle to remind us of God's FOREVER love for us. There is no beginning and no end. The green reminds us of eternal life. For clue #4 go find the lamp near the star.
Clue #4 The lamp - The lamp reminds us that Jesus is the Light of the world and we too are the light of the world. Every minute of every day we choose to let our light shine or not. The light that the shepherds saw shining over baby Jesus was a BRIGHT light in the surrounding darkness. We too shine brightly when we choose to let Jesus shine through us. The light showed the shepherds where to go - Jesus does this for us today and we can share that light with those around us. For clue #5 find a fruit-full place.
Clue #5 The fruit - 'If I stay in Jesus, I will have much fruit.' Our fruitful place is through the gifts of the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law." If we follow the example that Jesus gave us - if we say, 'Yes!' to Father God and if we say, 'No!' to our enemy - we too will bear much fruit. Fruit takes time to grow and it is hard work - but it is good when the fruit arrives! The more fruit we see in our life the more blessed our days will be. Gifts from God are always a blessing - and now you are ready to find your hidden treasure. Go back to school. (Our gift will be in our school room.)
I hope you enjoy this beautiful and God-given idea I happened upon. Do feel free to 'borrow' this - if you are so inclined. I know that I am so excited, wondering how this will grow with our family. I LOVE that it will ground them from all of the excitement and redirect the focus. I will not be reading them a story for the millionth time, although I will continue to read stories to them, but they will likely keep this memory much longer than any story I have read to them. I have been desperate for a window to pour truth into and I found one. I look forward to seeing the fruit these truths will bear. Blessings and Merry Christmas - from the MorningSong family!! :)
Monday, April 18, 2011
Falling Forward
I am becoming more and more thankful for ears to hear and eyes to see! I have become keenly aware of how often I have lacked those two vital tools as I have journeyed through my life. Thank you God for your wisdom! What a different journey it is when we are found looking for and listening for your still small voice.
I have gone through many growth spurts in my 38 years on this earth. Many of them being ordinary changes all children, pre-teens and teenagers go through. As a young adult, the learning was more consequential and yet I loved that part because it felt more real and more personal. It was during that season that I began a genuine relationship with God versus the arms length knowing about Him. As a newlywed and young married woman, I was a big ole mess. There is nothing worse than 'thinking' you know better and only finding out how much you do not know - that was my story. I made a mess of much - it has been the falling forward sort of growth spurts. I couldn't quite grasp my footing and yet I knew that I knew that I knew!
As a new Mom - I was humbled and my world was turned upside down and my life changed beyond what I thought was humanly possible - and that wild ride hasn't stopped since! It took us 4 years to become pregnant and the joy of finally being pregnant can not be put into words. My darling daughter was an answer to prayers on MANY levels. She brought a new meaning to life - it was beyond good!! With a 9 month old baby girl on my hip, and the joy of Motherhood BURSTING within me, we found we were pregnant with our 2nd treasure - a son! The moment he breathed his first breath, my world was exploding with joy once again. We were finding our way yet again. He was so easy - that was evident from the first. My precious girl - she LIVES and she lives big! I adore that about her and yet her big approach to life often left me a wreck. I began to believe the lie that 'we just don't get one another'. As a toddler, I couldn't reign her in - she took me to levels of uncertainty that I never knew I could feel. I believed the lie more and more each day.
I feared the lie and I began to shut down a little more and more in fear that she would reject me - it already seemed she had. The fear of her not loving/wanting me was too much to bear. She would bond well with ANY friend I had that had a teacher background. They would just 'get her', it seemed effortless - it tore me in two. I kept them close by to watch them with her - in hopes of 'seeing' what they saw and I could not. How did they 'get her'? What am I missing? I want to know her like that - and then it would cause strife within me towards that friend. Now it 'seemed' she liked them more than me. Jealousy! Jealous for my daughter's love and yet - her love was never lost. She wasn't rejecting me - I was pushing her back out of fear that she would reject me. DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! Hindsight is 20/20 - this truth breaks my heart. Why would I believe such a DUMB lie!?! I hate that I did.
Thank GOD that when she was about 5 and a half, God woke me up! He showed me how I had begun to push her away. He showed me how to embrace her again. He showed me that even when she is pushing me away - she's not - she wants me to keep pursuing her heart. I'm learning she is much like me. I've engaged again and we've blossomed into a beautiful relationship. Sadly, my teacher friendships had to become distanced while I was forced into this reality of truth and I am thankful those friends remain close now. I am thankful for the lessons learned and yet the minute my daughter and I have a hiccup - my first instinct is to panic, my fears rise up again and again.
We are now, April 2011, entering the 'pre-teen' phase of life. My daughter is 7 and a half now, and I was caught off guard once again with these fears I've faced more times than I can count. Even though we have made quantum leaps of progress during these last 2 years, I am still brought to my knees when she goes through a developmental change. I used to be foolish enough to think 'my daughter and I just butt heads, we crash into the journey of life'. I now see the truth. I have eyes to see. I crash into growing as a Mother.
My precious girl is a beautiful, loving and kind girl who is just going through the normal stages of growing up. I find comfort in the current stage of the moment because I can predict how to reason with her or draw her towards the end goal. When she is 'suddenly' at the threshold of a new stage of growing up, I panic and I react. I see the hurdle, fear the worst, REACT to my imagined fears. This is what happened when she recently began showing slight, and I do mean slight, mood swings. I began to worry that I had been a horrible Mother thus far and didn't properly equip her for this stage. I began to try and force her into my box of comfort. It becomes a matter of control versus leading her in the way she should go. What a self-inflicted mess I create!? I am learning to seek God more quickly each time we come to these new growth spurts. I am thankful this latest reality, understanding and embracing of change only took me a few weeks to see truth. We didn't lose years or months - just a few weeks. Oh how I wish it would have been only mere minutes and yet - it is what it is.
What a gift truth is! What a treasure growing and learning is! May I enter and journey through this next season, with my precious girl, with grace. May my footing be steady, because I am standing on truth. May I be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry! If I model this for my children, I will bear much fruit! This time, I am finding it so very important to have ears to hear the heart beat of our home. Are there enough quiet times to hear that vital sound or are the cares of each day and the moments of chaos silencing that precious melody? God help me seek you more readily, before I panic and react out of my own fears. May I reach for YOU and may I stop reaching for control. I release my self, my agenda, and my family to you again. I choose to live with arms wide open - not with a grip grasping the reigns trying to force learning. I choose Your way! Give me Your strength, Your wisdom and Your understanding... I pray!
(On a side note - From her age of 2 until about 5 I was in my own personal spiral of sorts - but that does not justify my allowing the distance between us to grow. From about age 3 and a half to 5 I missed big opportunities to grow towards my precious girl. I know if life had been more stable for our family during those years that our journey of distance would have been far less drastic. I have to remind myself of this fact - I tend to call myself 'guilty' on matters like this and I have to remember that no one is perfect. I am forever grateful to my Father God for these lessons learned while my precious girl was still little. She was far too young to have allowed these hurts to truly cause harm to our relationship longterm. He provides a way of escape when we seek Him. There is no quick fix - He sees the root of the problem and gently leads, not drags, us toward the way of escape. We choose to do the work or we go our own way. I am SO thankful, beyond words, that He helped me - and continues to help me, overcome these battles with fear. He is good ALL the time! He is faithful ALL the time! This had to be said.)
I have gone through many growth spurts in my 38 years on this earth. Many of them being ordinary changes all children, pre-teens and teenagers go through. As a young adult, the learning was more consequential and yet I loved that part because it felt more real and more personal. It was during that season that I began a genuine relationship with God versus the arms length knowing about Him. As a newlywed and young married woman, I was a big ole mess. There is nothing worse than 'thinking' you know better and only finding out how much you do not know - that was my story. I made a mess of much - it has been the falling forward sort of growth spurts. I couldn't quite grasp my footing and yet I knew that I knew that I knew!
As a new Mom - I was humbled and my world was turned upside down and my life changed beyond what I thought was humanly possible - and that wild ride hasn't stopped since! It took us 4 years to become pregnant and the joy of finally being pregnant can not be put into words. My darling daughter was an answer to prayers on MANY levels. She brought a new meaning to life - it was beyond good!! With a 9 month old baby girl on my hip, and the joy of Motherhood BURSTING within me, we found we were pregnant with our 2nd treasure - a son! The moment he breathed his first breath, my world was exploding with joy once again. We were finding our way yet again. He was so easy - that was evident from the first. My precious girl - she LIVES and she lives big! I adore that about her and yet her big approach to life often left me a wreck. I began to believe the lie that 'we just don't get one another'. As a toddler, I couldn't reign her in - she took me to levels of uncertainty that I never knew I could feel. I believed the lie more and more each day.
I feared the lie and I began to shut down a little more and more in fear that she would reject me - it already seemed she had. The fear of her not loving/wanting me was too much to bear. She would bond well with ANY friend I had that had a teacher background. They would just 'get her', it seemed effortless - it tore me in two. I kept them close by to watch them with her - in hopes of 'seeing' what they saw and I could not. How did they 'get her'? What am I missing? I want to know her like that - and then it would cause strife within me towards that friend. Now it 'seemed' she liked them more than me. Jealousy! Jealous for my daughter's love and yet - her love was never lost. She wasn't rejecting me - I was pushing her back out of fear that she would reject me. DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! Hindsight is 20/20 - this truth breaks my heart. Why would I believe such a DUMB lie!?! I hate that I did.
Thank GOD that when she was about 5 and a half, God woke me up! He showed me how I had begun to push her away. He showed me how to embrace her again. He showed me that even when she is pushing me away - she's not - she wants me to keep pursuing her heart. I'm learning she is much like me. I've engaged again and we've blossomed into a beautiful relationship. Sadly, my teacher friendships had to become distanced while I was forced into this reality of truth and I am thankful those friends remain close now. I am thankful for the lessons learned and yet the minute my daughter and I have a hiccup - my first instinct is to panic, my fears rise up again and again.
We are now, April 2011, entering the 'pre-teen' phase of life. My daughter is 7 and a half now, and I was caught off guard once again with these fears I've faced more times than I can count. Even though we have made quantum leaps of progress during these last 2 years, I am still brought to my knees when she goes through a developmental change. I used to be foolish enough to think 'my daughter and I just butt heads, we crash into the journey of life'. I now see the truth. I have eyes to see. I crash into growing as a Mother.
My precious girl is a beautiful, loving and kind girl who is just going through the normal stages of growing up. I find comfort in the current stage of the moment because I can predict how to reason with her or draw her towards the end goal. When she is 'suddenly' at the threshold of a new stage of growing up, I panic and I react. I see the hurdle, fear the worst, REACT to my imagined fears. This is what happened when she recently began showing slight, and I do mean slight, mood swings. I began to worry that I had been a horrible Mother thus far and didn't properly equip her for this stage. I began to try and force her into my box of comfort. It becomes a matter of control versus leading her in the way she should go. What a self-inflicted mess I create!? I am learning to seek God more quickly each time we come to these new growth spurts. I am thankful this latest reality, understanding and embracing of change only took me a few weeks to see truth. We didn't lose years or months - just a few weeks. Oh how I wish it would have been only mere minutes and yet - it is what it is.
What a gift truth is! What a treasure growing and learning is! May I enter and journey through this next season, with my precious girl, with grace. May my footing be steady, because I am standing on truth. May I be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry! If I model this for my children, I will bear much fruit! This time, I am finding it so very important to have ears to hear the heart beat of our home. Are there enough quiet times to hear that vital sound or are the cares of each day and the moments of chaos silencing that precious melody? God help me seek you more readily, before I panic and react out of my own fears. May I reach for YOU and may I stop reaching for control. I release my self, my agenda, and my family to you again. I choose to live with arms wide open - not with a grip grasping the reigns trying to force learning. I choose Your way! Give me Your strength, Your wisdom and Your understanding... I pray!
(On a side note - From her age of 2 until about 5 I was in my own personal spiral of sorts - but that does not justify my allowing the distance between us to grow. From about age 3 and a half to 5 I missed big opportunities to grow towards my precious girl. I know if life had been more stable for our family during those years that our journey of distance would have been far less drastic. I have to remind myself of this fact - I tend to call myself 'guilty' on matters like this and I have to remember that no one is perfect. I am forever grateful to my Father God for these lessons learned while my precious girl was still little. She was far too young to have allowed these hurts to truly cause harm to our relationship longterm. He provides a way of escape when we seek Him. There is no quick fix - He sees the root of the problem and gently leads, not drags, us toward the way of escape. We choose to do the work or we go our own way. I am SO thankful, beyond words, that He helped me - and continues to help me, overcome these battles with fear. He is good ALL the time! He is faithful ALL the time! This had to be said.)
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