He Sees My Yes

I attended the International House of Prayer (IHOP) for the first time yesterday.  It has been something I've wanted to do for years now, about 8 years of waiting.  I didn't want to go alone on my first visit so I took my oldest daughter with me to check it out.


As we first sat there, listening to the worship, it was a feeling of hoping it would be as impactful for me as I imagined it would be.  A place of 24 hour prayer and worship would have to have an atmosphere of peace and be a welcome place for the Holy Spirit.  I sat and wondered if I would 'get anything' out of this quick stop.  I knew my HC wouldn't be up for a true indulgence of it all.  She was great though.  IHOP was great too.  I was thrilled to have indulged for about an hour.


The music was melodic and quiet and no singing, as we entered.  It soon began to build.  Something was coming.  I could feel the mood was changing.  They began singing sweet songs of quiet worship.  After some time, maybe 10 minutes or less, I began to feel a swell of emotions.  The tears bubbled up and they flowed. 


"Evaluation.
I see your yes.
I do not look at you as you do.
You even evaluate yourself against yourself.  Comparing the 'good' days to now.  I see them all and you aren't 'off' now.  You are right where you are meant to be.
Come to my table.  Find rest.
I see every little yes you give me.  It isn't only the big yeses but even the little yeses.  I see when you sacrifice your wants for my plans.  I see your yes."


The quotes weren't all verbatim but represent the tone of the song(s).  I feel like I am evaluating myself in comparison to my community and how I do or do not fit.  I feel like I am definitely comparing myself to the sweeter times I've experienced.  I evaluate myself so much.  I do not know if I am alone in this but I cannot believe that I am. 


I find that when I am in a new place, I evaluate myself to death and I was feeling weary from it all.  I was fatigued by how I do not measure up in my own eyes.  In my own eyes, I was losing and losing big.


I woke this morning with the word 'evaluation' on my mind and then a scripture popped up in my thoughts.  THIS is exactly why it says, "Search me and know me.... see if there be any wicked way in me," in Psalms 139.  We are not good at evaluating ourselves and God help us if we try to evaluate one another.  God help us. 


We do not see the end from the beginning.  We 'feel' the resistance or the transition or the change in our lives and we 'feel' that we must be behind or struggling or missing it.  We are clueless to the fact that the current feeling of struggle is about an incline or a rocky path or we are bush whacking through an unknown.  We aren't missing out on progress.  We are making HUGE strides forward and we are breaking through the weeds and debris along the way. 


Maybe the weeds and debris are our own view of ourselves.  Maybe the weeds and debris are past triggers of meeting people and how they rejected us or made us feel unwelcome.  Maybe they are feelings of not being enough when you see how qualified and valuable you imagine everyone else is in your world.  Maybe the weeds and debris are just a part of growing in an area and we haven't faced such growing pains in awhile; we may have thought our growing had peaked. 


Whatever the why behind the weeds and debris, we cannot know what they represent.  I was able to see that in God's eyes, I am still on the path.  I've felt so lost and off lately that I felt like I am completely off track.  I was messing up the journey of my life.  Why can't I find my momentum and my fit?   


In the song, they repeated, "I see your Yes, I see your Yes!"  I wept.  I wasn't seeing my quiet yeses.  I was feeling the angst.  They quiet yeses are just as important to Him as the big ones.  Every quiet yes of faith is counted and seen and valued.  I do not need a big leap to please Him.  The littles are just as important.  I am enough.  I am accepted.  I am valued.  I am loved.  I am precious.  I am SEEN!!!  I am KNOWN!!!  HE SEES MY YES!!  He sees them all the time, every time!!  Selah.

The Baby Who Wasn't....

And so it goes.... March 28, 2012 brought an unexpected suprise (we were pregnant) and, although a new, uncertain knowing began again on Easter Sunday, the confirmation of what was again 'unexpected' came on April 9, 2012 (the baby was not).  For 12 days we held the joy of hope within our hearts.  For 12 days we were celebrating the gift of life and yet for me - even on March 28th there was a quiet knowing bubbling from the depths of my soul.  This baby wasn't like the first three.

You see - I did celebrate life from the 1st moment.  I did rejoice in the expectation of life and I always will because for 4 years I was found barren - and then baby #1 was knitted into my womb.  An amazing nine months after #1 debuted, #2 was knitted into my womb.  We were content and yet more babies were in our heart.  The dream of more remained.  It wasn't until another 5 years later that our joyful #3 came bouncing into our world.  And now - the announcement of #4 came this March, while our #3 is a mere 22 months old.  Now she is 23 months.  :)  Life is a gift.  Life is a gift, even if for only 12 days and even if I cannot see the face and even if I do not have a labor to endure.  12 days of being is life.

My quiet knowing within was a strange detail.  I have never 'miscarried' before.  I know that is the term but in order for me to explain what has happened to my children - I needed to tell them that the baby died. And that is how it feels to me.  I did nothing wrong, I did not miscarry, my baby died.  My baby was not meant to live.  That is what I believe.  If my baby were meant to live - then live it would have!  But back to my quiet knowing.  As I told my husband we were pregnant, and we giggled with our secret, I had a feeling I've never had before.  "What if this doesn't go as we hope?".  With all of my difficutly in conceiving - I've NEVER had a 2nd thought about the life growing within, but this time.... I did.  This time the dreamy feeling of 'who will this baby be?' was not.  This time the dreamy wondering of 'is this a girl or a boy?' was not.  I felt thrilled to my core and yet I wondered why the rest was a flatline of dreaming.  I was curious but we shared our news none the less.

Why keep life a secret?  I know many do just that and that is okay.  I know we are all different but I could not dare keep such a secret.  I've struggled for life too much to not celebrate.  And I decided that IF this baby were not to be, I would not want to carry that load alone.  I did not know what that would feel like but if I would be devastated - I can not imagine I would then announce "I was pregnant for 12 days and lost the baby."  It would just seem WAY weird to do that.  And so with my quiet wondering of, "will this baby live?' bubbling within -  I fully enjoyed the 12 days of life. 

I wanted to post this via my blog because I wanted to share my story and to warn you that at the next glimmer of life - I will again celebrate and announce with boldness.  I will not be ruled by the fear of 'what if'.  On Sunday, I felt a knowing something was wrong but without certainty. Yesterday, the doctor could not locate the baby on ultrasound and other signs of pregnancy were missing but I found myself very numb and feeling much of nothing really.  I just pondered it all in my heart and yet a peace covered me.  A knowing and a peace.  Today I find myself fine one minute, with a lone tear the next, feeling a heaviness in my chest the next, almost bursting in tears the next, and then nothing.  An unsettled experience but all the while with a stillness and peace.  I am 'fine' as I can tell.  For some strange reason that I cannot comprehend, I am dreading the "I'm sorries." and yet I know that is a part of the journey.  I am confident that God will turn this all to my good.  I am confident that God will turn this to the good of my husband and my children.  He Who began a good work in me WILL be faithful to complete it. 

I know that my God is good! At EVERY point of pain in my life - He has been faithful to restore and heal and love and care for me beautifully.  He will do so again.  My tummy feels empty today - emptier than I've ever known and yet I feel at peace.  Only God could provide such rest in the midst of such disappointment.  I remain yielded to the journey.  My main concern remains with my children having to walk through this and yet I know God has a plan and purpose for them or they would not know this hurt.  They were so happy to have a new sibling.  But.... it remains well with our soul.

The Power of God's Words

When you consider I've grown up in a 'thou shalt NOT' church, I think I've spent most of my life around those Christians who think of God's word as a tool they can use at their own discretion. As a result, I am less likely to shout you down with quotes from the Bible or with my interpretation of what the verse means. It is far more likely that I will share with you what great things God has done for me. I will likely share my before and after story and share the life lesson(s) I gleaned from that journey. I have learned the power of God's Words are more in His prompting what I say and less about how many Bible verses I can quote in a moments time.

I am all for sharing God's Word. I will quote scripture when I feel the nudge to do so. Never say never, because there are occasional miracles when I can recall a specific scripture God showed me as I learned a specific lesson. But, I am far more likely to find myself encouraging someone who has already made a decision to accept Christ than someone who is undecided or saying no. I realize my literalist mentality may not bode well for me trying to 'win' anyone over (but I am growing in this area - learning to remain open to His will and His way!) . I am black and white and see very few shades of gray. But I have learned that I am not judge so.... I keep my 'thoughts' to myself as I ask God 'What do YOU say about that? I don't know if I'm being fair here or not, so what do YOU say or what do YOU see here that I am missing?" He often gives me the glimpse of truth on the matter at hand by pointing me to an area in my life where I can see that matter more clearly. I often needed the lesson learned anyway, so..... I continue to learn.

There are those in my life who do share God's Word with all they come in contact with. I do think that is a gift too - and the ones in my life who tend to truly minister in that way are not sharing God's Word in a demeaning way, but in an uplifting way. I respect them so much more than those who seek to preach AT others. I believe that there are those who are skilled in God's word, and that gift is vital! I am not naive enough to think the way God stirs me is the only way He flows. I'm just finding freedom in the simple fact that I do not have to be anyone other than who He's called, and equipped me to be.

I do believe most have good intentions, when sharing God's word. But my journey has left me embarrassed by the 'compassionate' Christians out there at times. Some are skilled swordsmen and others are trying to share the truth and yet for some reason their sword use feels more like tossing daggers. I find myself in more of the 'duck and cover' mode when I'm around them, and not because their 'word' is ringing true but... because it seems to be a little more of their opinion than a direct quote. I feel worn out and confused by their banter.

Those who share God's word with a sincere AND humble heart - they are the true swordsmen. All the rest are either just clumsily finding their way in understanding the word or think they have it together and want to squash those who do not measure up to their own self-made standard! (And there are a select few who use God's word to justify their own goofs - they use His word to try and shut you up from stating the obvious - their mouth isn't lining up with the fruit in their life. But I digress.....) :)

Bottom line is - when someone is ministering... truly ministering - God can use any and all means to speak through them. It CAN be by you sharing the scriptures in the Bible and it CAN be by you sharing what Great and Mighty things God has done in your life. There are countless other methods God uses to minister too! The fact is, if He is the Author of the conversation - His method will perform, even if you are clueless that you've made an impact at all. There will always be Power when you say the Words HE prompts you to say. The key to it all is whether God inspires the moment for someone or if the person 'sharing' decided that so and so needs a good talking to! There is no need for a cookie-cutter method or a script. He knows the heart of the individual He is trying to stir and thus He knows the exact recipe to bring healing to their lives. When we get out of His way and let Him direct our steps, the possibilities are endless! God's ways are always higher and better and He is so amazing to keep our walk with Him exciting! He mixes up how He flows so that you do not become stagnant and bored with Him. He is the Great Romancer after all - He knows how to speak to our hearts, beautifully, every time! HIS WORDS NEVER FAIL!