Before I became a Mommy, I prayed to BE a Mommy! It took us four years of trying to become pregnant before finally having that dream. It was a weary journey - very emotional and very painful. After trying for one year, my Doctor diagnosed me, quite matter-of-factly too! "You have endometriosis and this will require surgery." Sure, I knew in my gut that he was probably right but there was a piece of me that was petrified! I was terrified that he may be wrong and after the surgery I would find out that it was some random fluke and they didn't know why we had trouble. I was frozen with the 'what if' kind of fear. So silly now, looking back. Why not just trust him with my diagnoses and get help? No harm in that. But the 'what if he's wrong' thought would not release me to step into the known. It took me three years, so ridiculous to me now, to have the nerve to have the surgery. Three years!
Once I had the surgery, we were good to go! I was COVERED in endometriosis. One of the worst cases he had ever seen. He was amazed at my pain tolerance. I had no idea I had a high threshold for pain - it was all I knew. Before long, I was an expecting mother. It was at that time I prayed for God to make me a good mother. I didn't want to be angry or hostile. I wanted to be whole and kind. I had a Mom who was hurt as a child, and because her generation did not 'talk' about those kind of things.... she stifled her pain her whole life. As she mothered, she oozed out her hurt. Not willingly I am sure. So having grown up in that kind of home... I did not want hidden pains to ooze out on my kids. Sadly, I know of a few incidents that indeed did happen but I have to give myself the grace to say 'Thank God it was only a few incidents and not their entire childhood."
I had a precious baby girl - we remind her that 'she' gave me my dream come true... she made me a Mommy! During my pregnancy and her first year of life, I began to release 'jobs' I had picked up along the way. I had given myself the assignments of helping those around me, who were hurting, and became their shoulder to lean on. This was over my life - I was the fixer. That line in Vanilla Ice's song "If you have a problem, YO, I'll solve it" was my mantra. If I saw pain or a problem - I found a solution and began to try to 'help' the one who needed me, and often I offered my 'help' to those who did not want it too! God slowly began healing me of my 'Yo, I'll solve it' disease and I began to change. As a result, those who leaned on me were quite startled that I no longer offered or needed to help them. I didn't mean to startle them - I was just being healed of taking responsibility for things that were none of my business. But, I digress.
After my daughter, we had my precious son. When he was born, my daughter was fighting an ear infection. She had gone through 3 different antibiotics and she was as sick on dose 3 as she was on dose 1. Meanwhile, my son was showing signs of colic and I was beyond tired. (We became pregnant with my son when my daughter was only 9 months old. I was exhausted my entire pregnancy.) I was falling apart. I was spent. I had nothing left to give and I felt like I needed help. I told my doctor of my fatigue and he said 'Welcome to Motherhood'. I thought, "What?!?! You are not going to help me?!" I began to pray, again. "God, I need HELP! What is wrong with us!? We cannot endure this?! HELP ME!" I began watching a local program, total fluke - ie. a God appointment, and the name of the show was "Know the Cause". I was intrigued. I began watching it and learned about Probiotics, before they were cool. :) I went to a local organic health store and bought the ones they suggested and the infant kind too. I took the bag of goodies home and began to weep thinking 'I am about to medicate my children with something I saw on TV and I am scared to death!'
It was then that my husband 'happened' to meet a PHD doctor, I think he specialized in nutrition/supplements. He and his expecting wife were picking up a to-go order from the restaurant and my husband 'happened' to chat with them. My husband told him of all my ailments and he began to explain to my husband why I craved certain foods and why I was so tired. He gave us a business card and S came home with my answer to my prayer. We made an appointment, saw him, he diagnosed me with depleted adrenalin. He confirmed my findings on probiotics, gave me the 2 thumbs up I needed, I went home and took the meds he prescribed me and gave my babies the probiotics and within 3 days we were all well. No more fatigue, no more ear infections and no more colic. I was then sold on KNOWING THE CAUSE!
Knowing the cause has been a big phrase for me. "Knowing the cause" - it is music to my ears! KNOWING the cause. Shortly after this, we moved. And if you've been reading my blog, you know that rocked my world. I now believe God gave me the phrase of my life, via our health, so that it was the ground work I could begin to stand on. KNOW the cause. You see, I didn't just change because I became a Mommy - I didn't stop trying to 'fix' the problems I saw..... HE changed me. I could not be a WHOLE Mommy to my kids if I was distracted with all those I took on as projects before. He needed to get to the root of my pain so that I could become whole and be the Mommy I'm called to be and THEN I can be the friend I need to be. A whole me can do much more good than a broken me.
Know the cause - I could not know why x,y or z made me angry if I never look at the root of why those moments trigger me. Why do I crave attention or advise from older women and yet I NEVER get what I need from them? Know the cause - it is because my story involves a Mom who was wounded and wasn't whole. She did the BEST she could do and I was forced to take up where she left off. She needed that from me, she didn't want that but she needed that. So now, I am whole knowing that I am not flawed because I did not know all the things my friends knew. I didn't have an adviser for a Mom. I had a wounded warrior! She did her best, and God knew I could take it. He knew I could be strong enough for her when she didn't have it in her. He knew my strength when I did not see it as strength. He knew!
He knows the cause - He knows how vital it is for us to know the cause! KNOW why we are uber sensitive in certain conversations. KNOW why we feel the need to help everyone, when we do not need to. KNOW why we weep when we see certain things happen, that shouldn't cause us to weep. Our pain matters. We all too often try to silence the fruit of silenced pain - the anger, the insecurities, the hostility, the rage, the fear, and on and on. We see these as all isolated incidents and He sees the why of it all. He longs for us to Know the cause of our bitterness. He longs for us to Know the cause of our fear. He longs for us to Know the cause because until we KNOW the cause.... we only treat the symptoms. Treating the symptom of fear will never cure the cause of fear. The symptom is a distraction that hides the root. The root, or the cause, must be faced fully so that the symptoms can be addressed. Once the root/cause is exposed, the symptoms begin to diminish and slowly go away. There is power in knowing the cause - which is why it matters so much to stop and evaluate what causes our triggers. What causes us to snap at something that is really not that big of a deal - it is a root of pain that when lightly brushed causes us to overreact and leaves us feeling exposed and stupid.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Yearning for God's Way
Sometimes I get a little frustrated about those who went before us. I know they were only human and they did the best they knew to do - realizing this fact alone is what keeps me from truly being upset. As a Christian I have SO many questions about what the Bible really says about Church. For so many years, I swallowed the interpretation of church (hook-line-and sinker) provided by the church. It is only now, when I step away and really look at what/who the church appears to be that I see more of a business than a body.
I often wonder - because I do not know - would Christ being tossing tables in what we call holy ground or would He be pleased? I see tape sales, sermon sales, book sales and huge buildings on one glance; and yet I also see the strength a large church offers us in it's influence - it gives the body a more unified voice and more access to seeing God's goodness displayed in our lives. So, I sit here with no answer. I know times are different but should the church BE a business? I believe God equips us all differently and I believe that He equips His people with a great business mind and to prosper in what they do.... but should the church be a business or not? I have no answer and yet I first see a business, when I look at church.
I see charity from the church, I see outreach, I see love and compassion but I see BUSINESS before I see anything else. I do not have an answer to what the church should look like or if this is right or wrong - it has just bugged me lately as I try to find my way. Shouldn't the gifts (1 Corinthians 12:12-31 and 13:1-13) be dominant and business be the silent extra, not the main agenda.
I'm also annoyed when I go to a church and think 'This feels like a nice place." to only find on the 2nd visit that the brother-in-law is on staff and although he loves God.... he is not gifted as a worship leader but does get the shot once a month because he thinks it is his gift. It is so disappointing to get connected and find all the 'politics' lurking about. Shouldn't the pastor be more in tune with God's voice for the body and God's best than in pleasing his brother-in-law?
If God were truly the head, I know our flawed humanity limits Him from being that fully - even though we desire Him to be that, wouldn't the pastor be so in tune with God that he would have the right people on His team and not the family member? Wouldn't they be able to trust God in leading that leader for worship while they focus on what God would have them share from the pulpit? I know this does NOT speak to all churches but.... I have found myself leaving a service, feeling sick, as I hear the plea from the pulpit for offering. I hear less of the "God has called us to this area and God will stir you how to give" and more of the "If you have faith of a mustard seed, you would give all you have and let us have your money so we can continue to employ our large staff. That would show God your faith." Well, if God calls you - yes... there are faith times to build upon but... doesn't HE provide? Did HE promise a HUGE building or did He promise to provide for the needs of the body?
I've had the privilege of being in several large, thriving churches and in smaller bodies. I have attended churches that are well oiled machines and those that are taking their last bottle of oil and doing great wonders with their little. I do not care if the church is a mega church or a small body - yes... God can and does stir the churches to meet the needs of their congregation. I just wonder what He would want church to look like? Are we doing THAT? I do not know. I am so torn about this - I ache to be at the church He has for my family and then I wonder if we are and because of what I was taught to look for in church... I am rejecting His better. I want His better - not my idea of what church is or should be. He knows best - I'm clueless. I ache to know the answer to this question.
God... What do YOU want the church to look like? Do we match Your plan? What are we missing, if anything? Is the church better at manipulating or are they hearing your voice clearly? Did You want a building, or a pulpit, or did You want the body to be those You have caused us to be in relationship with - because how can we influence those we do not know personally? I do not know the answer to this and I yearn to know where You are... I yearn to be where You want to be. I yearn to worship and seek You as You want us to. Show me YOUR ways!?! Show me YOUR ways! Right now I am confused. I need You to show me the way to go. I love You and want to please You. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.
I often wonder - because I do not know - would Christ being tossing tables in what we call holy ground or would He be pleased? I see tape sales, sermon sales, book sales and huge buildings on one glance; and yet I also see the strength a large church offers us in it's influence - it gives the body a more unified voice and more access to seeing God's goodness displayed in our lives. So, I sit here with no answer. I know times are different but should the church BE a business? I believe God equips us all differently and I believe that He equips His people with a great business mind and to prosper in what they do.... but should the church be a business or not? I have no answer and yet I first see a business, when I look at church.
I see charity from the church, I see outreach, I see love and compassion but I see BUSINESS before I see anything else. I do not have an answer to what the church should look like or if this is right or wrong - it has just bugged me lately as I try to find my way. Shouldn't the gifts (1 Corinthians 12:12-31 and 13:1-13) be dominant and business be the silent extra, not the main agenda.
I'm also annoyed when I go to a church and think 'This feels like a nice place." to only find on the 2nd visit that the brother-in-law is on staff and although he loves God.... he is not gifted as a worship leader but does get the shot once a month because he thinks it is his gift. It is so disappointing to get connected and find all the 'politics' lurking about. Shouldn't the pastor be more in tune with God's voice for the body and God's best than in pleasing his brother-in-law?
If God were truly the head, I know our flawed humanity limits Him from being that fully - even though we desire Him to be that, wouldn't the pastor be so in tune with God that he would have the right people on His team and not the family member? Wouldn't they be able to trust God in leading that leader for worship while they focus on what God would have them share from the pulpit? I know this does NOT speak to all churches but.... I have found myself leaving a service, feeling sick, as I hear the plea from the pulpit for offering. I hear less of the "God has called us to this area and God will stir you how to give" and more of the "If you have faith of a mustard seed, you would give all you have and let us have your money so we can continue to employ our large staff. That would show God your faith." Well, if God calls you - yes... there are faith times to build upon but... doesn't HE provide? Did HE promise a HUGE building or did He promise to provide for the needs of the body?
I've had the privilege of being in several large, thriving churches and in smaller bodies. I have attended churches that are well oiled machines and those that are taking their last bottle of oil and doing great wonders with their little. I do not care if the church is a mega church or a small body - yes... God can and does stir the churches to meet the needs of their congregation. I just wonder what He would want church to look like? Are we doing THAT? I do not know. I am so torn about this - I ache to be at the church He has for my family and then I wonder if we are and because of what I was taught to look for in church... I am rejecting His better. I want His better - not my idea of what church is or should be. He knows best - I'm clueless. I ache to know the answer to this question.
God... What do YOU want the church to look like? Do we match Your plan? What are we missing, if anything? Is the church better at manipulating or are they hearing your voice clearly? Did You want a building, or a pulpit, or did You want the body to be those You have caused us to be in relationship with - because how can we influence those we do not know personally? I do not know the answer to this and I yearn to know where You are... I yearn to be where You want to be. I yearn to worship and seek You as You want us to. Show me YOUR ways!?! Show me YOUR ways! Right now I am confused. I need You to show me the way to go. I love You and want to please You. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.
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