I am the oldest of four children. My parents had 4 kids in 5 years. Wow! That alone is reason for insanity, the reasons for insanity abound, and yet they are very sane! I have 3 and the first two were 18 months apart while number 3 mozied into our lives 5 years after our second baby was born. Three kids in seven years. You would think I would have had 'controlled chaos' and yet I was a bit of a wreck.
There has been a problem that I've witnessed within my home lately. My two older kids do not want to cry when they feel upset. A part of me thinks 'this is normal - who really wants to be seen crying' and yet I know the high value our tears bring to us. I have been praying for God to help them understand the high value of their tears, our tears wash our soul. They free us from the icky feeling we are walking through. They bring healing. Tears are good - necessary! A true gift from God! And yet - they both stifle them. One claiming that 'boys don't cry, their eyes just leak sometimes' and the other not even excusing it - just refusing it.
I've watched my three year old have a meltdown of epic proportions and I've watched myself tell her to go into her room to cry and when she is done she can come back in with the family. As a new mom I read every parenting book I could find. I was desperate to do this 'Mom thang' right! I've wanted to do everything I put my hands to 'right'. Boy did I miss the boat! What a shallow goal!
I am reminded of a book, and class, that discussed personality types and how to correct misbehavior and 'unwanted tantrums' by sending the child to wail alone. The whole, 'they want an audience' theory - no audience, no wailing. I tried that method and it doesn't really resolve things. They stopped crying - but that was the wrong goal. They needed my help weeping and talking it out and I put them in isolation. Ugh, how that pains me to admit.
You see, yesterday, I was fussing at a child and they began to cry a heartfelt 'I'm sorry' and between my blinking - they stopped. Their face went from brokenness and a repentant heart to a distance in their eyes. This is something I've noticed a lot lately - the lack of presence when being corrected and the lack of emotion. I have been praying for this child to 'see the light' and that is when I finally saw the light.
This AM, as reflecting on the recent refusal of tears, I asked God, "Why does this child stifle their tears?" As quickly as I thought/asked it, I had my answer. They stifle their tears because that is what I have been teaching them. I had the clearest visual of my 'new mom' self holding my one week old daughter, my precious gift, screaming, "STOP CRYING!!!" I needed sleep. I was tired. My whole world had changed and I just couldn't take the wailing on top of everything else. PLEASE MAKE HER STOP CRYING, God! PLEASE! I AM GOING CRAZY!!!! I CANNOT TAKE IT! I was having a physical reaction to her tears. It hurt me. I did not know how to stop it. I couldn't make it better and so my needs became the focus for me instead of theirs. I did this with all three of them. I may have taken the time to tell them why certain things were right or wrong on countless issues but their tears, their pain, and their frustration - just stop it! I couldn't help them with that.
Sure, you may say, "Don't be too hard on yourself. We've all thought that or maybe even said that." But I must tell you that it didn't stop there. I wanted the unending chattering of my toddlers to stop too. I wanted the toddler tantrums to stop. I wanted the bickering children to stop and I basically wanted an on/off button for them, if I am totally honest. It was too hard. I didn't know I would never have an uninterrupted moment again. I was desperate for quiet and yet I knew that I would long for these days again as soon as they stopped.
Lest we all think, 'it couldn't be that you taught them to reject their tears', I must tell you how I chose to begin our day today. I gathered all three of my kids together and had them look at my eye. I told them, "Do you see that?" "What, Mom?" "That hole in my eye." "Oh, yes I see it." "Uh-huh" "I see it TOO!" "Well, do you think God makes mistakes or do you think God created us on purpose?" A hearty and in unison "ON PURPOSE!" "Well, that is a hole God made for your tears. Tears kind of wash our soul of icky feelings. We NEED our tears. They bring healing to us." "Uh-huh" and then it happened.... an angry "THEN WHY DID YOU ALWAYS TELL US TO BE QUIET AND 'SUCK IT UP' THEN!?" (while demonstrating the physical position I would tell them to be in while gaining self-control) Yep! My parenting style never grew.
I began a process of 'force' parenting and I never grew into leading them effectively. I asked God for help in countless areas of parenting but I NEVER asked him for help in how to nurture or soothe my babies. I just asked him to shut them up. I never thought to ask. I am shocked to have never thought that out differently. I was so deep into the parenting books, which 'taught' me how to make them behave the way I wanted, that I never looked up. I wanted to be right. I wanted to do it all the 'right way'. I never asked the One Who really had the answers to help.... until now.
So, I was already tearing up when this child exploded their frustrations and I said, weeping by this point and barely able to speak, "I know. It is totally my fault. I taught you the wrong thing. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I wasn't. Can you please forgive me?" At which point they all began hugging me while asking me to 'not cry'. They began discussing how they do not want to cry at school and I talked through a few possible scenarios with them but ended with "what if your tears not only heal you but provoke someone to see how they hurt you and your tears just may help heal them too?"
Our tears are a gift. Our sadness expressed is a gift. Our anger, when rightly expressed is a gift. Our suppressed tears, anger, and feelings are a toxic problem. God forgive me for passing on my desire to 'control'. May we walk in the freedom of forgiveness and may we weep freely when necessary, without apologizing or trying to stifle one another. Teach me how to nurture my children. Teach me how to equip them to handle their feelings. Teach me how to point them to you. Teach us how to cry out for Your way! I yield control to You, Father! Forgive me, I knew not what I was doing. I had NO idea that I was harming them. I was trying to stop the chaos. Forgive me for not growing but for clinging to my parenting books. I yield to You, Father! I yield to You!
My heart is not full of guilt and 'shoulda couldas'. I am thankful for that. I have a hearty confidence that this revelation is evidence that this battle is on it's way to mending or is finished. Whenever God brings clarity - He brings healing. Every time! I am a weepy mess now, but I know the power every tear holds. I may cry a thousand tears today - but I do it gladly. My tears are my gift. May that truth sink deeply into the hearts and souls of my children. May we walk boldly into this new arena of learning to nurture and encourage rather than pushing 'our way' through. May we stop and seek the only true resource, our Creator! The One Who knows us better than we know ourselves!
It's a new season, it's a new day! Fresh anointing - is coming our way. It's a season of power, and prosperity. It's a new season, coming to me (us)! The Season of Nurturing, and not stifling, shall begin! Lord, show me YOUR way!
