I am becoming more and more thankful for ears to hear and eyes to see! I have become keenly aware of how often I have lacked those two vital tools as I have journeyed through my life. Thank you God for your wisdom! What a different journey it is when we are found looking for and listening for your still small voice.
I have gone through many growth spurts in my 38 years on this earth. Many of them being ordinary changes all children, pre-teens and teenagers go through. As a young adult, the learning was more consequential and yet I loved that part because it felt more real and more personal. It was during that season that I began a genuine relationship with God versus the arms length knowing about Him. As a newlywed and young married woman, I was a big ole mess. There is nothing worse than 'thinking' you know better and only finding out how much you do not know - that was my story. I made a mess of much - it has been the falling forward sort of growth spurts. I couldn't quite grasp my footing and yet I knew that I knew that I knew!
As a new Mom - I was humbled and my world was turned upside down and my life changed beyond what I thought was humanly possible - and that wild ride hasn't stopped since! It took us 4 years to become pregnant and the joy of finally being pregnant can not be put into words. My darling daughter was an answer to prayers on MANY levels. She brought a new meaning to life - it was beyond good!! With a 9 month old baby girl on my hip, and the joy of Motherhood BURSTING within me, we found we were pregnant with our 2nd treasure - a son! The moment he breathed his first breath, my world was exploding with joy once again. We were finding our way yet again. He was so easy - that was evident from the first. My precious girl - she LIVES and she lives big! I adore that about her and yet her big approach to life often left me a wreck. I began to believe the lie that 'we just don't get one another'. As a toddler, I couldn't reign her in - she took me to levels of uncertainty that I never knew I could feel. I believed the lie more and more each day.
I feared the lie and I began to shut down a little more and more in fear that she would reject me - it already seemed she had. The fear of her not loving/wanting me was too much to bear. She would bond well with ANY friend I had that had a teacher background. They would just 'get her', it seemed effortless - it tore me in two. I kept them close by to watch them with her - in hopes of 'seeing' what they saw and I could not. How did they 'get her'? What am I missing? I want to know her like that - and then it would cause strife within me towards that friend. Now it 'seemed' she liked them more than me. Jealousy! Jealous for my daughter's love and yet - her love was never lost. She wasn't rejecting me - I was pushing her back out of fear that she would reject me. DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! Hindsight is 20/20 - this truth breaks my heart. Why would I believe such a DUMB lie!?! I hate that I did.
Thank GOD that when she was about 5 and a half, God woke me up! He showed me how I had begun to push her away. He showed me how to embrace her again. He showed me that even when she is pushing me away - she's not - she wants me to keep pursuing her heart. I'm learning she is much like me. I've engaged again and we've blossomed into a beautiful relationship. Sadly, my teacher friendships had to become distanced while I was forced into this reality of truth and I am thankful those friends remain close now. I am thankful for the lessons learned and yet the minute my daughter and I have a hiccup - my first instinct is to panic, my fears rise up again and again.
We are now, April 2011, entering the 'pre-teen' phase of life. My daughter is 7 and a half now, and I was caught off guard once again with these fears I've faced more times than I can count. Even though we have made quantum leaps of progress during these last 2 years, I am still brought to my knees when she goes through a developmental change. I used to be foolish enough to think 'my daughter and I just butt heads, we crash into the journey of life'. I now see the truth. I have eyes to see. I crash into growing as a Mother.
My precious girl is a beautiful, loving and kind girl who is just going through the normal stages of growing up. I find comfort in the current stage of the moment because I can predict how to reason with her or draw her towards the end goal. When she is 'suddenly' at the threshold of a new stage of growing up, I panic and I react. I see the hurdle, fear the worst, REACT to my imagined fears. This is what happened when she recently began showing slight, and I do mean slight, mood swings. I began to worry that I had been a horrible Mother thus far and didn't properly equip her for this stage. I began to try and force her into my box of comfort. It becomes a matter of control versus leading her in the way she should go. What a self-inflicted mess I create!? I am learning to seek God more quickly each time we come to these new growth spurts. I am thankful this latest reality, understanding and embracing of change only took me a few weeks to see truth. We didn't lose years or months - just a few weeks. Oh how I wish it would have been only mere minutes and yet - it is what it is.
What a gift truth is! What a treasure growing and learning is! May I enter and journey through this next season, with my precious girl, with grace. May my footing be steady, because I am standing on truth. May I be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry! If I model this for my children, I will bear much fruit! This time, I am finding it so very important to have ears to hear the heart beat of our home. Are there enough quiet times to hear that vital sound or are the cares of each day and the moments of chaos silencing that precious melody? God help me seek you more readily, before I panic and react out of my own fears. May I reach for YOU and may I stop reaching for control. I release my self, my agenda, and my family to you again. I choose to live with arms wide open - not with a grip grasping the reigns trying to force learning. I choose Your way! Give me Your strength, Your wisdom and Your understanding... I pray!
(On a side note - From her age of 2 until about 5 I was in my own personal spiral of sorts - but that does not justify my allowing the distance between us to grow. From about age 3 and a half to 5 I missed big opportunities to grow towards my precious girl. I know if life had been more stable for our family during those years that our journey of distance would have been far less drastic. I have to remind myself of this fact - I tend to call myself 'guilty' on matters like this and I have to remember that no one is perfect. I am forever grateful to my Father God for these lessons learned while my precious girl was still little. She was far too young to have allowed these hurts to truly cause harm to our relationship longterm. He provides a way of escape when we seek Him. There is no quick fix - He sees the root of the problem and gently leads, not drags, us toward the way of escape. We choose to do the work or we go our own way. I am SO thankful, beyond words, that He helped me - and continues to help me, overcome these battles with fear. He is good ALL the time! He is faithful ALL the time! This had to be said.)
