I attended the International House of Prayer (IHOP) for the first time yesterday. It has been something I've wanted to do for years now, about 8 years of waiting. I didn't want to go alone on my first visit so I took my oldest daughter with me to check it out.
As we first sat there, listening to the worship, it was a feeling of hoping it would be as impactful for me as I imagined it would be. A place of 24 hour prayer and worship would have to have an atmosphere of peace and be a welcome place for the Holy Spirit. I sat and wondered if I would 'get anything' out of this quick stop. I knew my HC wouldn't be up for a true indulgence of it all. She was great though. IHOP was great too. I was thrilled to have indulged for about an hour.
The music was melodic and quiet and no singing, as we entered. It soon began to build. Something was coming. I could feel the mood was changing. They began singing sweet songs of quiet worship. After some time, maybe 10 minutes or less, I began to feel a swell of emotions. The tears bubbled up and they flowed.
"Evaluation.
I see your yes.
I do not look at you as you do.
You even evaluate yourself against yourself. Comparing the 'good' days to now. I see them all and you aren't 'off' now. You are right where you are meant to be.
Come to my table. Find rest.
I see every little yes you give me. It isn't only the big yeses but even the little yeses. I see when you sacrifice your wants for my plans. I see your yes."
The quotes weren't all verbatim but represent the tone of the song(s). I feel like I am evaluating myself in comparison to my community and how I do or do not fit. I feel like I am definitely comparing myself to the sweeter times I've experienced. I evaluate myself so much. I do not know if I am alone in this but I cannot believe that I am.
I find that when I am in a new place, I evaluate myself to death and I was feeling weary from it all. I was fatigued by how I do not measure up in my own eyes. In my own eyes, I was losing and losing big.
I woke this morning with the word 'evaluation' on my mind and then a scripture popped up in my thoughts. THIS is exactly why it says, "Search me and know me.... see if there be any wicked way in me," in Psalms 139. We are not good at evaluating ourselves and God help us if we try to evaluate one another. God help us.
We do not see the end from the beginning. We 'feel' the resistance or the transition or the change in our lives and we 'feel' that we must be behind or struggling or missing it. We are clueless to the fact that the current feeling of struggle is about an incline or a rocky path or we are bush whacking through an unknown. We aren't missing out on progress. We are making HUGE strides forward and we are breaking through the weeds and debris along the way.
Maybe the weeds and debris are our own view of ourselves. Maybe the weeds and debris are past triggers of meeting people and how they rejected us or made us feel unwelcome. Maybe they are feelings of not being enough when you see how qualified and valuable you imagine everyone else is in your world. Maybe the weeds and debris are just a part of growing in an area and we haven't faced such growing pains in awhile; we may have thought our growing had peaked.
Whatever the why behind the weeds and debris, we cannot know what they represent. I was able to see that in God's eyes, I am still on the path. I've felt so lost and off lately that I felt like I am completely off track. I was messing up the journey of my life. Why can't I find my momentum and my fit?
In the song, they repeated, "I see your Yes, I see your Yes!" I wept. I wasn't seeing my quiet yeses. I was feeling the angst. They quiet yeses are just as important to Him as the big ones. Every quiet yes of faith is counted and seen and valued. I do not need a big leap to please Him. The littles are just as important. I am enough. I am accepted. I am valued. I am loved. I am precious. I am SEEN!!! I am KNOWN!!! HE SEES MY YES!! He sees them all the time, every time!! Selah.
Showing posts with label What I've learned along the way. Show all posts
Showing posts with label What I've learned along the way. Show all posts
Monday, September 12, 2016
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Thoughts at 4 AM
As I tossed and turned, trying to quiet my mind and return to sleep, I began to think of countless things. The one thing that returned again and again is thoughts concerning my kids. Another repeated thought was about me and the different seasons and changes I've experienced in my life. I see how my kids are NOT like me, thank God, and yet I see how they are, sometimes thank God and sometimes gulp.
A thought of late, for me, is who am I. I have faced this looming question countless times before and yet here I sit facing another surprising change. I have gone from the painfully shy girl to the girl who is shy around everyone except those who knew me well. I've been the boldly confident one too. I've been the obedient rule follower and then the 'I don't care anymore' live it up a bit kid. I've been proud of who I am and ashamed of who I am. As a newly wed, I was hope filled and expecting fairy tale greatness, within grown up reason of course. Then reality hit, marriage is work. I was a first time mom, finally, and I was swimming with dreams there too. 'If I follow these parenting books and keep a tight ship', my kids will be amazing. Yes, reality check. One child takes every drop of strength I have and another is a delight and another is still awaiting with their surprises for me.
I sit here today wondering who I've become again. We've moved more than I would have planned. I always wanted to stay in one place and raise my kids but I am so glad our journey took us where it has. Every move brought a new unveiling of me and a new awareness of how my God has led me. It has shown me my great faith and my looming fears.
I was always a planner. If you knew me well, I always had a list to check off. I've learned that it is good to have a plan but any journey with God will always take you out of your best plans. I've learned to hold my plans loosely. I sometimes envy those who make a plan and then stick to it or declare they will do such and such in 10 years. I admire their confidence and when they accomplish it, I am amazed. I have been a wanderer for so long now and I know that I do not have the privilege of a long term plan. I digress.
So, who am I? I have been the know it all first time mommy (for 1 whole year and until baby number 2 arrived). I was a 'how will I do this" mommy - 2 kids 18 month apart is work people. Finally, I am a I don't know and I will know when I need to know mom, welcome kid 3 after thinking you cannot have anymore kids whammy and 2 miscarriages to boot. I've been the homeschooling mom and the public school mom and the I want to homeschool again (no I don't) mom. I've been the joyful newly wed. I've been the welcome to reality wife. I've played the role as listener to him connecting us and I've been the chatty Kathy.
Lately, I find myself in a quieter role again. When I think back over the years, I see how we've changed roles. The early years I listened more and my husband was the talker. We moved and that changed. We moved again and half way through that move I became more reflective, 2 miscarriages and no longer homeschooling will do that to ya. Here we are today and, as we meet new people, he is taking the lead. It is an interesting dynamic. I cannot seem to gather my thoughts to say anything in one on one conversations. I sit awkwardly feeling as though I should say something and yet nothing comes to me. I want to hide. Where are my thoughts? How could they be failing me in these pivotal first time encounters.
I am so thankful that my kids are so very bold. It appears they take after their daddy in this area (thank God), he may not speak often but he is clear about what he has to say. They do not seem to war with their thoughts, and maybe I do not see their struggle in this arena. When people speak to them, they are after it! haha I only wish I could be as free again. I suppose I feel like I am in an observer role here. Watching and learning. I have never been in this place before... Maybe it warrants time to understand the way things work. Oh how I wish I were more at ease to be me. I suppose I should extend myself a bit of grace. How can I be at ease to be me if I am not quite sure who I am becoming this time? Being in my mid 40s, I would have thought my questions about myself would have been more resolved.
Maybe the 'who of me' isn't in question. Maybe it is. Maybe it is feeling out of my league. I am a simple jeans and t-shirt girl and I am surrounded by people who ooze confidence in style. I am a faith talker and I haven't had much of those talks lately. I was enjoying my quiet country nook and now I am slap dab in the middle of society and neighbors and the bustle of life. Maybe it isn't weird that I am quiet and stumped. Our time in Virginia was filled with quiet reflecting and slow and steady connections. To go from a slow and controlled quiet pace to a bustling place is jarring and would take an adjustment. Maybe I'm not struggling with the who of me after all. Maybe I am learning to be in the bustle of life again. Maybe I am shell shocked with the unending contact and I need to give myself a bit more credit and a little more time.
So, be still oh my soul.... you are right on time. You are not missing anything. You are quietly re-entering life. You aren't sure of the pace of it all. That is okay. It is to be expected. Going from a beautiful and quiet nook to the middle of a running machine does take a minute to assess. It's kind of like trying to jump into the double swinging jump ropes and you haven't jumped rope with a single rope in years. It takes a minute to jump in but when you do...... Yep. It will feel good again, to have a predictable rhythm to my life. To know how to flow without all of the internal pauses will feel good. Last year was about settling in, this year is about re-entering the game.
A thought of late, for me, is who am I. I have faced this looming question countless times before and yet here I sit facing another surprising change. I have gone from the painfully shy girl to the girl who is shy around everyone except those who knew me well. I've been the boldly confident one too. I've been the obedient rule follower and then the 'I don't care anymore' live it up a bit kid. I've been proud of who I am and ashamed of who I am. As a newly wed, I was hope filled and expecting fairy tale greatness, within grown up reason of course. Then reality hit, marriage is work. I was a first time mom, finally, and I was swimming with dreams there too. 'If I follow these parenting books and keep a tight ship', my kids will be amazing. Yes, reality check. One child takes every drop of strength I have and another is a delight and another is still awaiting with their surprises for me.
I sit here today wondering who I've become again. We've moved more than I would have planned. I always wanted to stay in one place and raise my kids but I am so glad our journey took us where it has. Every move brought a new unveiling of me and a new awareness of how my God has led me. It has shown me my great faith and my looming fears.
I was always a planner. If you knew me well, I always had a list to check off. I've learned that it is good to have a plan but any journey with God will always take you out of your best plans. I've learned to hold my plans loosely. I sometimes envy those who make a plan and then stick to it or declare they will do such and such in 10 years. I admire their confidence and when they accomplish it, I am amazed. I have been a wanderer for so long now and I know that I do not have the privilege of a long term plan. I digress.
So, who am I? I have been the know it all first time mommy (for 1 whole year and until baby number 2 arrived). I was a 'how will I do this" mommy - 2 kids 18 month apart is work people. Finally, I am a I don't know and I will know when I need to know mom, welcome kid 3 after thinking you cannot have anymore kids whammy and 2 miscarriages to boot. I've been the homeschooling mom and the public school mom and the I want to homeschool again (no I don't) mom. I've been the joyful newly wed. I've been the welcome to reality wife. I've played the role as listener to him connecting us and I've been the chatty Kathy.
Lately, I find myself in a quieter role again. When I think back over the years, I see how we've changed roles. The early years I listened more and my husband was the talker. We moved and that changed. We moved again and half way through that move I became more reflective, 2 miscarriages and no longer homeschooling will do that to ya. Here we are today and, as we meet new people, he is taking the lead. It is an interesting dynamic. I cannot seem to gather my thoughts to say anything in one on one conversations. I sit awkwardly feeling as though I should say something and yet nothing comes to me. I want to hide. Where are my thoughts? How could they be failing me in these pivotal first time encounters.
I am so thankful that my kids are so very bold. It appears they take after their daddy in this area (thank God), he may not speak often but he is clear about what he has to say. They do not seem to war with their thoughts, and maybe I do not see their struggle in this arena. When people speak to them, they are after it! haha I only wish I could be as free again. I suppose I feel like I am in an observer role here. Watching and learning. I have never been in this place before... Maybe it warrants time to understand the way things work. Oh how I wish I were more at ease to be me. I suppose I should extend myself a bit of grace. How can I be at ease to be me if I am not quite sure who I am becoming this time? Being in my mid 40s, I would have thought my questions about myself would have been more resolved.
Maybe the 'who of me' isn't in question. Maybe it is. Maybe it is feeling out of my league. I am a simple jeans and t-shirt girl and I am surrounded by people who ooze confidence in style. I am a faith talker and I haven't had much of those talks lately. I was enjoying my quiet country nook and now I am slap dab in the middle of society and neighbors and the bustle of life. Maybe it isn't weird that I am quiet and stumped. Our time in Virginia was filled with quiet reflecting and slow and steady connections. To go from a slow and controlled quiet pace to a bustling place is jarring and would take an adjustment. Maybe I'm not struggling with the who of me after all. Maybe I am learning to be in the bustle of life again. Maybe I am shell shocked with the unending contact and I need to give myself a bit more credit and a little more time.
So, be still oh my soul.... you are right on time. You are not missing anything. You are quietly re-entering life. You aren't sure of the pace of it all. That is okay. It is to be expected. Going from a beautiful and quiet nook to the middle of a running machine does take a minute to assess. It's kind of like trying to jump into the double swinging jump ropes and you haven't jumped rope with a single rope in years. It takes a minute to jump in but when you do...... Yep. It will feel good again, to have a predictable rhythm to my life. To know how to flow without all of the internal pauses will feel good. Last year was about settling in, this year is about re-entering the game.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Falling Forward
I am becoming more and more thankful for ears to hear and eyes to see! I have become keenly aware of how often I have lacked those two vital tools as I have journeyed through my life. Thank you God for your wisdom! What a different journey it is when we are found looking for and listening for your still small voice.
I have gone through many growth spurts in my 38 years on this earth. Many of them being ordinary changes all children, pre-teens and teenagers go through. As a young adult, the learning was more consequential and yet I loved that part because it felt more real and more personal. It was during that season that I began a genuine relationship with God versus the arms length knowing about Him. As a newlywed and young married woman, I was a big ole mess. There is nothing worse than 'thinking' you know better and only finding out how much you do not know - that was my story. I made a mess of much - it has been the falling forward sort of growth spurts. I couldn't quite grasp my footing and yet I knew that I knew that I knew!
As a new Mom - I was humbled and my world was turned upside down and my life changed beyond what I thought was humanly possible - and that wild ride hasn't stopped since! It took us 4 years to become pregnant and the joy of finally being pregnant can not be put into words. My darling daughter was an answer to prayers on MANY levels. She brought a new meaning to life - it was beyond good!! With a 9 month old baby girl on my hip, and the joy of Motherhood BURSTING within me, we found we were pregnant with our 2nd treasure - a son! The moment he breathed his first breath, my world was exploding with joy once again. We were finding our way yet again. He was so easy - that was evident from the first. My precious girl - she LIVES and she lives big! I adore that about her and yet her big approach to life often left me a wreck. I began to believe the lie that 'we just don't get one another'. As a toddler, I couldn't reign her in - she took me to levels of uncertainty that I never knew I could feel. I believed the lie more and more each day.
I feared the lie and I began to shut down a little more and more in fear that she would reject me - it already seemed she had. The fear of her not loving/wanting me was too much to bear. She would bond well with ANY friend I had that had a teacher background. They would just 'get her', it seemed effortless - it tore me in two. I kept them close by to watch them with her - in hopes of 'seeing' what they saw and I could not. How did they 'get her'? What am I missing? I want to know her like that - and then it would cause strife within me towards that friend. Now it 'seemed' she liked them more than me. Jealousy! Jealous for my daughter's love and yet - her love was never lost. She wasn't rejecting me - I was pushing her back out of fear that she would reject me. DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! Hindsight is 20/20 - this truth breaks my heart. Why would I believe such a DUMB lie!?! I hate that I did.
Thank GOD that when she was about 5 and a half, God woke me up! He showed me how I had begun to push her away. He showed me how to embrace her again. He showed me that even when she is pushing me away - she's not - she wants me to keep pursuing her heart. I'm learning she is much like me. I've engaged again and we've blossomed into a beautiful relationship. Sadly, my teacher friendships had to become distanced while I was forced into this reality of truth and I am thankful those friends remain close now. I am thankful for the lessons learned and yet the minute my daughter and I have a hiccup - my first instinct is to panic, my fears rise up again and again.
We are now, April 2011, entering the 'pre-teen' phase of life. My daughter is 7 and a half now, and I was caught off guard once again with these fears I've faced more times than I can count. Even though we have made quantum leaps of progress during these last 2 years, I am still brought to my knees when she goes through a developmental change. I used to be foolish enough to think 'my daughter and I just butt heads, we crash into the journey of life'. I now see the truth. I have eyes to see. I crash into growing as a Mother.
My precious girl is a beautiful, loving and kind girl who is just going through the normal stages of growing up. I find comfort in the current stage of the moment because I can predict how to reason with her or draw her towards the end goal. When she is 'suddenly' at the threshold of a new stage of growing up, I panic and I react. I see the hurdle, fear the worst, REACT to my imagined fears. This is what happened when she recently began showing slight, and I do mean slight, mood swings. I began to worry that I had been a horrible Mother thus far and didn't properly equip her for this stage. I began to try and force her into my box of comfort. It becomes a matter of control versus leading her in the way she should go. What a self-inflicted mess I create!? I am learning to seek God more quickly each time we come to these new growth spurts. I am thankful this latest reality, understanding and embracing of change only took me a few weeks to see truth. We didn't lose years or months - just a few weeks. Oh how I wish it would have been only mere minutes and yet - it is what it is.
What a gift truth is! What a treasure growing and learning is! May I enter and journey through this next season, with my precious girl, with grace. May my footing be steady, because I am standing on truth. May I be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry! If I model this for my children, I will bear much fruit! This time, I am finding it so very important to have ears to hear the heart beat of our home. Are there enough quiet times to hear that vital sound or are the cares of each day and the moments of chaos silencing that precious melody? God help me seek you more readily, before I panic and react out of my own fears. May I reach for YOU and may I stop reaching for control. I release my self, my agenda, and my family to you again. I choose to live with arms wide open - not with a grip grasping the reigns trying to force learning. I choose Your way! Give me Your strength, Your wisdom and Your understanding... I pray!
(On a side note - From her age of 2 until about 5 I was in my own personal spiral of sorts - but that does not justify my allowing the distance between us to grow. From about age 3 and a half to 5 I missed big opportunities to grow towards my precious girl. I know if life had been more stable for our family during those years that our journey of distance would have been far less drastic. I have to remind myself of this fact - I tend to call myself 'guilty' on matters like this and I have to remember that no one is perfect. I am forever grateful to my Father God for these lessons learned while my precious girl was still little. She was far too young to have allowed these hurts to truly cause harm to our relationship longterm. He provides a way of escape when we seek Him. There is no quick fix - He sees the root of the problem and gently leads, not drags, us toward the way of escape. We choose to do the work or we go our own way. I am SO thankful, beyond words, that He helped me - and continues to help me, overcome these battles with fear. He is good ALL the time! He is faithful ALL the time! This had to be said.)
I have gone through many growth spurts in my 38 years on this earth. Many of them being ordinary changes all children, pre-teens and teenagers go through. As a young adult, the learning was more consequential and yet I loved that part because it felt more real and more personal. It was during that season that I began a genuine relationship with God versus the arms length knowing about Him. As a newlywed and young married woman, I was a big ole mess. There is nothing worse than 'thinking' you know better and only finding out how much you do not know - that was my story. I made a mess of much - it has been the falling forward sort of growth spurts. I couldn't quite grasp my footing and yet I knew that I knew that I knew!
As a new Mom - I was humbled and my world was turned upside down and my life changed beyond what I thought was humanly possible - and that wild ride hasn't stopped since! It took us 4 years to become pregnant and the joy of finally being pregnant can not be put into words. My darling daughter was an answer to prayers on MANY levels. She brought a new meaning to life - it was beyond good!! With a 9 month old baby girl on my hip, and the joy of Motherhood BURSTING within me, we found we were pregnant with our 2nd treasure - a son! The moment he breathed his first breath, my world was exploding with joy once again. We were finding our way yet again. He was so easy - that was evident from the first. My precious girl - she LIVES and she lives big! I adore that about her and yet her big approach to life often left me a wreck. I began to believe the lie that 'we just don't get one another'. As a toddler, I couldn't reign her in - she took me to levels of uncertainty that I never knew I could feel. I believed the lie more and more each day.
I feared the lie and I began to shut down a little more and more in fear that she would reject me - it already seemed she had. The fear of her not loving/wanting me was too much to bear. She would bond well with ANY friend I had that had a teacher background. They would just 'get her', it seemed effortless - it tore me in two. I kept them close by to watch them with her - in hopes of 'seeing' what they saw and I could not. How did they 'get her'? What am I missing? I want to know her like that - and then it would cause strife within me towards that friend. Now it 'seemed' she liked them more than me. Jealousy! Jealous for my daughter's love and yet - her love was never lost. She wasn't rejecting me - I was pushing her back out of fear that she would reject me. DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! Hindsight is 20/20 - this truth breaks my heart. Why would I believe such a DUMB lie!?! I hate that I did.
Thank GOD that when she was about 5 and a half, God woke me up! He showed me how I had begun to push her away. He showed me how to embrace her again. He showed me that even when she is pushing me away - she's not - she wants me to keep pursuing her heart. I'm learning she is much like me. I've engaged again and we've blossomed into a beautiful relationship. Sadly, my teacher friendships had to become distanced while I was forced into this reality of truth and I am thankful those friends remain close now. I am thankful for the lessons learned and yet the minute my daughter and I have a hiccup - my first instinct is to panic, my fears rise up again and again.
We are now, April 2011, entering the 'pre-teen' phase of life. My daughter is 7 and a half now, and I was caught off guard once again with these fears I've faced more times than I can count. Even though we have made quantum leaps of progress during these last 2 years, I am still brought to my knees when she goes through a developmental change. I used to be foolish enough to think 'my daughter and I just butt heads, we crash into the journey of life'. I now see the truth. I have eyes to see. I crash into growing as a Mother.
My precious girl is a beautiful, loving and kind girl who is just going through the normal stages of growing up. I find comfort in the current stage of the moment because I can predict how to reason with her or draw her towards the end goal. When she is 'suddenly' at the threshold of a new stage of growing up, I panic and I react. I see the hurdle, fear the worst, REACT to my imagined fears. This is what happened when she recently began showing slight, and I do mean slight, mood swings. I began to worry that I had been a horrible Mother thus far and didn't properly equip her for this stage. I began to try and force her into my box of comfort. It becomes a matter of control versus leading her in the way she should go. What a self-inflicted mess I create!? I am learning to seek God more quickly each time we come to these new growth spurts. I am thankful this latest reality, understanding and embracing of change only took me a few weeks to see truth. We didn't lose years or months - just a few weeks. Oh how I wish it would have been only mere minutes and yet - it is what it is.
What a gift truth is! What a treasure growing and learning is! May I enter and journey through this next season, with my precious girl, with grace. May my footing be steady, because I am standing on truth. May I be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry! If I model this for my children, I will bear much fruit! This time, I am finding it so very important to have ears to hear the heart beat of our home. Are there enough quiet times to hear that vital sound or are the cares of each day and the moments of chaos silencing that precious melody? God help me seek you more readily, before I panic and react out of my own fears. May I reach for YOU and may I stop reaching for control. I release my self, my agenda, and my family to you again. I choose to live with arms wide open - not with a grip grasping the reigns trying to force learning. I choose Your way! Give me Your strength, Your wisdom and Your understanding... I pray!
(On a side note - From her age of 2 until about 5 I was in my own personal spiral of sorts - but that does not justify my allowing the distance between us to grow. From about age 3 and a half to 5 I missed big opportunities to grow towards my precious girl. I know if life had been more stable for our family during those years that our journey of distance would have been far less drastic. I have to remind myself of this fact - I tend to call myself 'guilty' on matters like this and I have to remember that no one is perfect. I am forever grateful to my Father God for these lessons learned while my precious girl was still little. She was far too young to have allowed these hurts to truly cause harm to our relationship longterm. He provides a way of escape when we seek Him. There is no quick fix - He sees the root of the problem and gently leads, not drags, us toward the way of escape. We choose to do the work or we go our own way. I am SO thankful, beyond words, that He helped me - and continues to help me, overcome these battles with fear. He is good ALL the time! He is faithful ALL the time! This had to be said.)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
She Said God Said What?
After my last post, I was reminded of that Friends episode where Rachel is pregnant and she and Ross are seeing the baby on ultrasound for the first time. The tech shows her the baby and they look so amazed, the tech leaves and Rachel begins to cry. Ross asks her what is wrong and she says 'I don't see it.'. She could not see the baby on the screen. She felt that she was already failing as a Mom. Well, that is what came to mind and I thought - it may not be crystal clear how I 'heard God' regarding the chaos described in my last post. So here I go trying to connect dots.
I would have to say, it usually begins with a question for me. I am going along my happy way when a question will rise up within my heart. A question regarding things I long stopped pondering. Something I thought I was crystal clear on. Then without warning a question would rise regarding that very matter. There is no rhyme or reason - just suddenly I am unclear about that matter. It ends with me wondering "What does God think about this? Am I pursuing Him in this area of my life or am I doing what 'they' say I should?". I begin to look for how I came to the conclusions I've based my assumptions on and I look for God to answer me.
I would have to say that having questions at all has been a journey of sorts. I like to have answers, not questions. Over the last 3 or so years I have come to embrace any and all questions in my life. Before I felt so unsure and weak, if I had a question within, now I know that if I have an internal question rise up - I am on a journey to my answer. He is pursuing my heart in that matter. He wants me to find the answer in this area. That has brought me loads of joy, knowing I am not a mess - by having a question - and He is pursuing my heart.... again. {Swoon}
So, regarding my last post, this question rose up for me in November of 2009. My questions are not always answered right away - the question usually directs my focus to the area I need to be mindful of as I journey on. This question began to stir up "Why do I believe blah, blah, blah? What do I base this foundational truth on, God's prompting or the 'they' said so? What does God have to say about this?". Then I am off and running.
This particular inner question began in November 2009. I have my question - so now what? I used to feel panic, when the question would rise, now it brings a sense of settling and knowing all is well. He is my tour guide now, I just need to remain alert to when He brings truth regarding this matter. I need to seek now. I must remain alert and be intentional. I won't just find truth lying around - truth must be sought.
I have learned that seeking truth is not a striving job - it is a job you do at rest in Him. Sure, you can strive on the seeking journey - it just isn't freeing nor is it fun. Seeking, while striving, is in YOUR strength. Seeking, while resting, is like a scavenger hunt. You know you need to be aware but you never know when you will happen upon a clue. You must remain awake enough to notice that He is stirring your attention to His answers. You could walk right past a vital clue in the mysteries of God. Remaining alert is necessary - striving is not. If you are striving you may miss the gift because it seems too simple. At rest, you see the gift clearly because you are not overcomplicating things. You are enjoying the ride.
I was enjoying the ride when suddenly the 'aha' moment on Sunday triggered a hot spot of anxiety in me. I could have misunderstood that 'anxiety' was a clue to my truth IF I were busy striving. In striving we often feel pressure to perform. Pressure to know the answer. At rest, when anxiety rises up - it is a foreign feeling - not a part of the every day. So my anxiety was a clue that something wasn't right. The something that wasn't right was that Satan was taking a former offense and twisting my perspective.
The Pastor was simply declaring an obvious and undeniable truth, one that I agreed with fully; and I was hearing 'they want you to be bound like before again, see... this is how church is.... see they want blah, blah, blah'. The thought was a perversion of the truth. The thought was twisting the message - just like the old serpent did to Eve. Twisting the words of God to make it sound like a punishment instead of a precious gift. Luring me into the area of isolating or offense. Had I taken the bait, like I am guilty of time after time, I would not have been left as a worthless cause. God would have patiently waited for me to be ready for the truth again and He would have revealed truth again. But thankfully I have been resting on this journey, and not striving, so I am able to tell the difference between a lie and truth. The lie was an awfully good one too. I had seen the 'theys' of life stand wholly on this perverted truth and say 'thus sayeth the Lord' many times. But this Pastor was not, he was quoting the Bible and bringing simple clarity. It could not be denied.
This explains how I attribute the chaos that ensued on Sunday as the voice of God. God's voice was revealing truth, Satan was perverting it, I was left to choose what I would choose to see. Thankfully my rest revealed what was glaringly obvious, God was still offering me the path to freedom. He was confirming that very fact. The lunch afterwards was just a whammy to further the feeling of panic and being trapped. It was an attack. Full blown warfare. That is what spiritual warfare looks like, at least that is what I've learned along the way. It seems like an ordinary bad day - but all the while you are confirming or rejecting 'truths' you've long accepted as 'truth'. Only by the grace of God do we come out of the matter stronger and more free than when we began.
I would have to say, it usually begins with a question for me. I am going along my happy way when a question will rise up within my heart. A question regarding things I long stopped pondering. Something I thought I was crystal clear on. Then without warning a question would rise regarding that very matter. There is no rhyme or reason - just suddenly I am unclear about that matter. It ends with me wondering "What does God think about this? Am I pursuing Him in this area of my life or am I doing what 'they' say I should?". I begin to look for how I came to the conclusions I've based my assumptions on and I look for God to answer me.
I would have to say that having questions at all has been a journey of sorts. I like to have answers, not questions. Over the last 3 or so years I have come to embrace any and all questions in my life. Before I felt so unsure and weak, if I had a question within, now I know that if I have an internal question rise up - I am on a journey to my answer. He is pursuing my heart in that matter. He wants me to find the answer in this area. That has brought me loads of joy, knowing I am not a mess - by having a question - and He is pursuing my heart.... again. {Swoon}
So, regarding my last post, this question rose up for me in November of 2009. My questions are not always answered right away - the question usually directs my focus to the area I need to be mindful of as I journey on. This question began to stir up "Why do I believe blah, blah, blah? What do I base this foundational truth on, God's prompting or the 'they' said so? What does God have to say about this?". Then I am off and running.
This particular inner question began in November 2009. I have my question - so now what? I used to feel panic, when the question would rise, now it brings a sense of settling and knowing all is well. He is my tour guide now, I just need to remain alert to when He brings truth regarding this matter. I need to seek now. I must remain alert and be intentional. I won't just find truth lying around - truth must be sought.
I have learned that seeking truth is not a striving job - it is a job you do at rest in Him. Sure, you can strive on the seeking journey - it just isn't freeing nor is it fun. Seeking, while striving, is in YOUR strength. Seeking, while resting, is like a scavenger hunt. You know you need to be aware but you never know when you will happen upon a clue. You must remain awake enough to notice that He is stirring your attention to His answers. You could walk right past a vital clue in the mysteries of God. Remaining alert is necessary - striving is not. If you are striving you may miss the gift because it seems too simple. At rest, you see the gift clearly because you are not overcomplicating things. You are enjoying the ride.
I was enjoying the ride when suddenly the 'aha' moment on Sunday triggered a hot spot of anxiety in me. I could have misunderstood that 'anxiety' was a clue to my truth IF I were busy striving. In striving we often feel pressure to perform. Pressure to know the answer. At rest, when anxiety rises up - it is a foreign feeling - not a part of the every day. So my anxiety was a clue that something wasn't right. The something that wasn't right was that Satan was taking a former offense and twisting my perspective.
The Pastor was simply declaring an obvious and undeniable truth, one that I agreed with fully; and I was hearing 'they want you to be bound like before again, see... this is how church is.... see they want blah, blah, blah'. The thought was a perversion of the truth. The thought was twisting the message - just like the old serpent did to Eve. Twisting the words of God to make it sound like a punishment instead of a precious gift. Luring me into the area of isolating or offense. Had I taken the bait, like I am guilty of time after time, I would not have been left as a worthless cause. God would have patiently waited for me to be ready for the truth again and He would have revealed truth again. But thankfully I have been resting on this journey, and not striving, so I am able to tell the difference between a lie and truth. The lie was an awfully good one too. I had seen the 'theys' of life stand wholly on this perverted truth and say 'thus sayeth the Lord' many times. But this Pastor was not, he was quoting the Bible and bringing simple clarity. It could not be denied.
This explains how I attribute the chaos that ensued on Sunday as the voice of God. God's voice was revealing truth, Satan was perverting it, I was left to choose what I would choose to see. Thankfully my rest revealed what was glaringly obvious, God was still offering me the path to freedom. He was confirming that very fact. The lunch afterwards was just a whammy to further the feeling of panic and being trapped. It was an attack. Full blown warfare. That is what spiritual warfare looks like, at least that is what I've learned along the way. It seems like an ordinary bad day - but all the while you are confirming or rejecting 'truths' you've long accepted as 'truth'. Only by the grace of God do we come out of the matter stronger and more free than when we began.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
God's Still Small Voice
How do I 'sense' God or how do I 'hear' Him? Here's a great example: This past Sunday was so lovely... for a bit. The day started off right, we even left on time. We arrived, and rather than my husband and I both going our separate ways to bring the kids to class and clumsily finding one another in the sanctuary, we had time to escort the kids to class, meet in the hallway and walk in together, we sat down for a minute before things began. This Sunday was off and running and I was feeling good.
Worship began and you could feel joy bubbling up in the air - almost a heartbeat pulse of something stirring. I felt good - it was pleasant. Then as they began singing a slower song - I felt a peaceful change. A peace was now in the air. It was lovely. It was refreshing. It was empowering. Then worship ended and I was ready for the message to begin. As they began their fun announcements, and they were FUNNY, I was feeling like this was going to be a GOOD day.
The announcements were finished. Time for the Word. The Pastor begins his message - I am getting aha moments left and right and I am writing notes to remind myself of what God is showing me as I am trying to process the message. The Pastor is speaking to the very questions I've had on my heart for many years. I'm writing, agreeing and getting it and yet I feel offended. It is all of a sudden and I am thinking - "What is this about?". I am still enjoying the process of gleaning and understanding a passage that has long confused my feeble mind, I am feeling excited to have more clarity and... I don't like it too. It is a slight annoyance rising up. The service ends, I'm still holding onto my happy feelings and yet my 'I am annoyed' radar is rising by the minute.
We leave the church, all are a twitter with good reports, we discuss lunch as we pull out of the parking lot. Annoyance radar is hitting a higher level by the minute and yet I KNOW this is ridiculous and clearly an attack on my mind. I do not get it. Why? Why am I so annoyed?! Annoyance radar is rising. Kids are talking, husband is asking what I want for dinner for the 900th time - without suggesting 1 thing, I roll down the window - I am feeling cornered. I am feeling panicked. I am feeling ANNOYED! WHY AM I SO ANNOYED?! HOW ANNOYING!
We finally decide on a destination. I pull myself together. Peace returns, orders made, drinking our teas and such, eating our appetizer.... ready to enjoy my family when..... THEY walk in. The family with 4 SCREECHING children, who sit directly behind me and the parents aren't parenting - they are bickering. I am trying to be good. Trying to be kind.. trying to NOT be ANNOYED..... I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed at this family AND I'm annoyed that I cannot breathe for the fact that their screeches are causing my ears to throb in pain. The waitress brings our meal - yes! We are nearly done - we can escape this torture chamber... when..... I ASKED FOR NO BACON. Send it back and tell her not to bring anything else - I NEED to get out of here. I NEED to get out of here. Panic is all around me and I KNOW this is an attack on my peace and yet I cannot shake the feelings of annoyance. I am completely composed, but like a tea pot on the stove, I need a release valve. We are ready for the check and the waitress brings my correct order - AGHHHH! We pay, take my food to go and I am on major internal stress mode now.
We go home and I go to my room to be alone. Now I cannot even enjoy my family for the torture of these strangers. I am mad at my husband for not rescuing us. I am mad at those people for being in public. I am mad at myself for being mad. I am MAD!
Monday afternoon it hits me. There was a point the Pastor made on Sunday that I heard and although I understood his point, I felt a bit annoyed by his point. I agreed with his point and yet I have issues with it - due to my life experiences and so I felt he was shackling me to a very area I felt God was freeing me from. I know the Pastor was not doing that, nor was he saying I needed to be bound in the area God was providing freedom for me and yet my mind could not shake that feeling of being imprisoned in that area again. Then I go to eat and I feel there is no escape from the chaos that abounds and then I'm mad at my husband for not protecting me from all this strife. It was clearly ordinary misfortune but my internal dialogue was growing these matters by the millisecond.
Monday evening I had clarity - this was all the result of anxiety being triggered. Anxiety is a root of fear. Fear is not from God and thus - it wasn't His message or demand on me. It was an area that I am working on and I couldn't stop the internal dialogue that is triggered when I 'feel' like someone is trying to trap me into doing something I do not want to do. I am seeking God on how He wants me to participate in these areas and I have been at rest thus far. I've been taking baby steps forward in this area - to trust Him in this matter and yet hoping I am following His nudge and not my own agenda.
I feel like a toddler - wobbling in this matter of the heart. Like the littlest thing can startle me and I am wobbling or running faster than my feet can take me and I collapse. I skin my knee, bump my head, scratch my hands - want to cry, NEED help... all because I am learning to walk in this place with the Lord again. Walking with Him and not being the people pleaser. Listening for where He says I should spend my gifts, and not where there are gaping holes. Hearing a Word of truth, one that I agreed with, somehow triggered me to take on responsibilities - internally - that were not even real and caused me to feel completely taken advantage of.
This is not reasonable nor real - and yet this is how it works. Truth is spoken every day that we can agree with but for some reason we can then have a really strong reaction to the matter and react, based on our internal dialogue versus what is really said. I ended Monday with revelation. Once again I'm at the place in my life where I must display my trust in Him. Trust is an ever-growing journey. We never arrive, we are always needing to trust Him anew.
We may feel so strong in our faith in God today and tomorrow we are faced with a moment to trust Him again and find ourselves feeble and unsure. Trust may be strong in much of our life and yet one area may cause us to trip up every time. He wants to develop trust in that area. It is OK for us to wobble - He knows this is a toddler moment for us. He knows we cannot walk fully in this area yet. But He wants to encourage us along the road. Fear has no place with Him. It is always about 'Do I trust Him with my heart regarding x-thing?'. The 'x-thing' is different every time and we need to keep stepping forward, and at times - we fall flat on our faces. But that is OK, He is expecting it and just as we are with our toddlers - we don't shout at them for falling. We gently pick them up, console them and urge them to try again as we enthusiastically call their name and say 'you can do this'. So is our Father with us. He is gentle, encouraging, nurturing and rooting for us. And so, I am aware of what Sunday was about, really, and I can now stand back up and take a few steps forward again. Who knows - I may fall flat on my face again but then again... I just might take off running and not turn back. I love the adventure of growing in Him - it is never dull. Thank you Father for always lifting me back up when I fall flat on my face.
Worship began and you could feel joy bubbling up in the air - almost a heartbeat pulse of something stirring. I felt good - it was pleasant. Then as they began singing a slower song - I felt a peaceful change. A peace was now in the air. It was lovely. It was refreshing. It was empowering. Then worship ended and I was ready for the message to begin. As they began their fun announcements, and they were FUNNY, I was feeling like this was going to be a GOOD day.
The announcements were finished. Time for the Word. The Pastor begins his message - I am getting aha moments left and right and I am writing notes to remind myself of what God is showing me as I am trying to process the message. The Pastor is speaking to the very questions I've had on my heart for many years. I'm writing, agreeing and getting it and yet I feel offended. It is all of a sudden and I am thinking - "What is this about?". I am still enjoying the process of gleaning and understanding a passage that has long confused my feeble mind, I am feeling excited to have more clarity and... I don't like it too. It is a slight annoyance rising up. The service ends, I'm still holding onto my happy feelings and yet my 'I am annoyed' radar is rising by the minute.
We leave the church, all are a twitter with good reports, we discuss lunch as we pull out of the parking lot. Annoyance radar is hitting a higher level by the minute and yet I KNOW this is ridiculous and clearly an attack on my mind. I do not get it. Why? Why am I so annoyed?! Annoyance radar is rising. Kids are talking, husband is asking what I want for dinner for the 900th time - without suggesting 1 thing, I roll down the window - I am feeling cornered. I am feeling panicked. I am feeling ANNOYED! WHY AM I SO ANNOYED?! HOW ANNOYING!
We finally decide on a destination. I pull myself together. Peace returns, orders made, drinking our teas and such, eating our appetizer.... ready to enjoy my family when..... THEY walk in. The family with 4 SCREECHING children, who sit directly behind me and the parents aren't parenting - they are bickering. I am trying to be good. Trying to be kind.. trying to NOT be ANNOYED..... I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed at this family AND I'm annoyed that I cannot breathe for the fact that their screeches are causing my ears to throb in pain. The waitress brings our meal - yes! We are nearly done - we can escape this torture chamber... when..... I ASKED FOR NO BACON. Send it back and tell her not to bring anything else - I NEED to get out of here. I NEED to get out of here. Panic is all around me and I KNOW this is an attack on my peace and yet I cannot shake the feelings of annoyance. I am completely composed, but like a tea pot on the stove, I need a release valve. We are ready for the check and the waitress brings my correct order - AGHHHH! We pay, take my food to go and I am on major internal stress mode now.
We go home and I go to my room to be alone. Now I cannot even enjoy my family for the torture of these strangers. I am mad at my husband for not rescuing us. I am mad at those people for being in public. I am mad at myself for being mad. I am MAD!
Monday afternoon it hits me. There was a point the Pastor made on Sunday that I heard and although I understood his point, I felt a bit annoyed by his point. I agreed with his point and yet I have issues with it - due to my life experiences and so I felt he was shackling me to a very area I felt God was freeing me from. I know the Pastor was not doing that, nor was he saying I needed to be bound in the area God was providing freedom for me and yet my mind could not shake that feeling of being imprisoned in that area again. Then I go to eat and I feel there is no escape from the chaos that abounds and then I'm mad at my husband for not protecting me from all this strife. It was clearly ordinary misfortune but my internal dialogue was growing these matters by the millisecond.
Monday evening I had clarity - this was all the result of anxiety being triggered. Anxiety is a root of fear. Fear is not from God and thus - it wasn't His message or demand on me. It was an area that I am working on and I couldn't stop the internal dialogue that is triggered when I 'feel' like someone is trying to trap me into doing something I do not want to do. I am seeking God on how He wants me to participate in these areas and I have been at rest thus far. I've been taking baby steps forward in this area - to trust Him in this matter and yet hoping I am following His nudge and not my own agenda.
I feel like a toddler - wobbling in this matter of the heart. Like the littlest thing can startle me and I am wobbling or running faster than my feet can take me and I collapse. I skin my knee, bump my head, scratch my hands - want to cry, NEED help... all because I am learning to walk in this place with the Lord again. Walking with Him and not being the people pleaser. Listening for where He says I should spend my gifts, and not where there are gaping holes. Hearing a Word of truth, one that I agreed with, somehow triggered me to take on responsibilities - internally - that were not even real and caused me to feel completely taken advantage of.
This is not reasonable nor real - and yet this is how it works. Truth is spoken every day that we can agree with but for some reason we can then have a really strong reaction to the matter and react, based on our internal dialogue versus what is really said. I ended Monday with revelation. Once again I'm at the place in my life where I must display my trust in Him. Trust is an ever-growing journey. We never arrive, we are always needing to trust Him anew.
We may feel so strong in our faith in God today and tomorrow we are faced with a moment to trust Him again and find ourselves feeble and unsure. Trust may be strong in much of our life and yet one area may cause us to trip up every time. He wants to develop trust in that area. It is OK for us to wobble - He knows this is a toddler moment for us. He knows we cannot walk fully in this area yet. But He wants to encourage us along the road. Fear has no place with Him. It is always about 'Do I trust Him with my heart regarding x-thing?'. The 'x-thing' is different every time and we need to keep stepping forward, and at times - we fall flat on our faces. But that is OK, He is expecting it and just as we are with our toddlers - we don't shout at them for falling. We gently pick them up, console them and urge them to try again as we enthusiastically call their name and say 'you can do this'. So is our Father with us. He is gentle, encouraging, nurturing and rooting for us. And so, I am aware of what Sunday was about, really, and I can now stand back up and take a few steps forward again. Who knows - I may fall flat on my face again but then again... I just might take off running and not turn back. I love the adventure of growing in Him - it is never dull. Thank you Father for always lifting me back up when I fall flat on my face.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Remembering to Trust
Yesterday brought a sense of inner panic to me. I am reminded that every time I feel 'caged' it is a result of my feeling powerless. It is usually associated with an aha moment that my 'plan' or goal for my life seems to be unlikely. I know that I know that I KNOW that God's ways are higher and better than my ways, and yet I cannot help but feel the heavy loss of my agenda. So that is what yesterday was for me - a realization that another highly valued plan of mine does not seem to be on God's 'to-do list', as far as I can tell, for my tomorrows.
Once I have this understanding - I feel free again. I'm reminded that this walk of faith requires my trusting that His ways are indeed better! Another chance to surrender and rest in Him brings me back to my place of peace. God is good. God IS good! I used to fight the inner struggle and STRIVE to create peace, but that never worked. I'm learning to stop and embrace the moment, no more running, and let Him show me what I'm feeling so that I can grow and release my life into His hands once again. I have yet to be disappointed with His better plan. I may feel overwhelmed at times and I may 'share' what that feels like to me; but it is often the result of an abundance of days, when I try to suppress the feelings, is when I am bringing the most harm to myself. Once I say what I feel, out loud, that is what brings a release that most definitely pours clarity on me. That is one of the clearest ways God uses to speak to my heart. He reminds me that trusting Him in area A and B for my life doesn't override my need to trust Him in area C of my life too. I must surrender control and rest in Him to keep me on the narrow path. I so want to jump ship and do MY thang... and yet that never satisfies.
My every day at home with my kids IS the most rewarding journey of my life. I am amazed that God blesses me with the gift of parenting AND teaching them. If I were to abandon this assignment then I would not be fulfilling my calling. This is my calling - to be Mother and Teacher to my children. It is not an assignment I chose for myself. I often feel overwhelmed by the weight of this assignment and yet the rewards are the sweetest I've ever known. A bad day is just that, it only turns into a bad week or month or more when I try to deny my pain and self-soothe. My soothing tendencies are often ways of escape rather than facing the matter at hand fully. I am so thankful that He hovers ever near me on those days. He gives strength to me as He reveals myself to me. I do not think I could look fully at my filthy self if I did not have His grace hovering above whispering 'I am with you. I love you. I have GOOD plans for you. Let go so I can take the wheel. Let go - I will care for you beautifully. Don't you remember? We've faced this moment together before. I am still here, whenever you are ready to rest and let Me take that burden. I can handle this. I can. I love you daughter. Won't you trust Me again?'
This panic is what yesterday and last night felt like to me. Today I wake up feeling refreshed and as though the load is lighter - I am one of those people who has to SAY it. It doesn't define me. It is just a feeling and a feeling isn't truth, it is how I feel at the moment. A feeling is a skewed view of what is truth. So I am learning to release the 'seems likes' and the 'feelings' sooner than later. The 'feelings' I let linger almost always mislead me into the land of me, myself and I. I want to see truth more clearly and so I choose the truth. Thank you God for hovering ever near, when I am caught up in my feelings.
Once I have this understanding - I feel free again. I'm reminded that this walk of faith requires my trusting that His ways are indeed better! Another chance to surrender and rest in Him brings me back to my place of peace. God is good. God IS good! I used to fight the inner struggle and STRIVE to create peace, but that never worked. I'm learning to stop and embrace the moment, no more running, and let Him show me what I'm feeling so that I can grow and release my life into His hands once again. I have yet to be disappointed with His better plan. I may feel overwhelmed at times and I may 'share' what that feels like to me; but it is often the result of an abundance of days, when I try to suppress the feelings, is when I am bringing the most harm to myself. Once I say what I feel, out loud, that is what brings a release that most definitely pours clarity on me. That is one of the clearest ways God uses to speak to my heart. He reminds me that trusting Him in area A and B for my life doesn't override my need to trust Him in area C of my life too. I must surrender control and rest in Him to keep me on the narrow path. I so want to jump ship and do MY thang... and yet that never satisfies.
My every day at home with my kids IS the most rewarding journey of my life. I am amazed that God blesses me with the gift of parenting AND teaching them. If I were to abandon this assignment then I would not be fulfilling my calling. This is my calling - to be Mother and Teacher to my children. It is not an assignment I chose for myself. I often feel overwhelmed by the weight of this assignment and yet the rewards are the sweetest I've ever known. A bad day is just that, it only turns into a bad week or month or more when I try to deny my pain and self-soothe. My soothing tendencies are often ways of escape rather than facing the matter at hand fully. I am so thankful that He hovers ever near me on those days. He gives strength to me as He reveals myself to me. I do not think I could look fully at my filthy self if I did not have His grace hovering above whispering 'I am with you. I love you. I have GOOD plans for you. Let go so I can take the wheel. Let go - I will care for you beautifully. Don't you remember? We've faced this moment together before. I am still here, whenever you are ready to rest and let Me take that burden. I can handle this. I can. I love you daughter. Won't you trust Me again?'
This panic is what yesterday and last night felt like to me. Today I wake up feeling refreshed and as though the load is lighter - I am one of those people who has to SAY it. It doesn't define me. It is just a feeling and a feeling isn't truth, it is how I feel at the moment. A feeling is a skewed view of what is truth. So I am learning to release the 'seems likes' and the 'feelings' sooner than later. The 'feelings' I let linger almost always mislead me into the land of me, myself and I. I want to see truth more clearly and so I choose the truth. Thank you God for hovering ever near, when I am caught up in my feelings.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Recalculating
Sometimes we have setbacks that seem to 'interrupt' our well thought out plans. What a gift when we realize they are unexpected gifts to us from God. His BEST plan often rudely crashes into our 'good' plan and sends us spinning. I'm learning to not be jolted into the 'I can fix this mode' but stop and experience the interruption fully. I'm learning what a gift those interruptions can be.
Those 'interruptions' are often God's BEST gifts to us because we didn't know we even needed them. At least that's what I'm learning. He always gives good gifts. Even if it wasn't His plan for us to have certain interruptions, which I know that happens too, He turns all things to our good. He turns the bad into good for us - so even the awful crashes that interrupt us, and are not from Him, He reigns supreme and can turn those around for our good too! That is a safe place to be - under the shadow of His tender loving care. No harm shall come nigh us, from the right or the left. But just like with Job, some things are allowed that ultimately hurt like hell. They hurt and hurt and hurt but.... if we give that hurt to Him, He can turn it into good.
He is only limited by what we willingly give over to Him. If we have a tight grip on the good or bad crash - He has no control. How many people can drive a car at one time? Only one person can sit in the drivers seat, and for good reason. My husband and I are proof of that! We both have our own 'idea' of which is the quickest way to go from A to B. Could you imagine? Me turning the wheel left as he pulls it right? Both of us convinced we are making the best choice. But ultimately we can only go one way and it requires one person surrendering their grasp of the wheel and agreeing to the driver's choice. It is the same with God. We must release control to Him first, before He can guide us on our way.
I recently read a facebook status of a friend that read "God is like a navigational device in your car. If it says go 10 blocks and turn left and you go 10 blocks and turn right He doesn't abandon what you need to do, He just recalculates what you need to do to get to where you are supposed to be based upon where you are." He finds another way to rescue us from our choice... but we must choose to turn at His next prompting. He won't force us to turn anymore than GPS will - it simply again 'recalculates' until we yield to the correct path. Until we release our plan - He cannot guide us, He continues to tell us the BEST way - but we ultimately choose to listen or not. His BEST for us requires our willing surrender to turn where He says. He is simply recaluclating until we willingly comply.
He's such a gentleman! The best part is that He knows our hearts and He knows why certain choices (regarding trusting Him) trigger fear to rise up. He knows the why behind our goofs. He knows the 'good-hearted' intention behind our acts. He sees THAT good intention far more than the harmful act. He knows we meant good and didn't realize the harm that would come in the end - He is a '2nd chance' lover! He aches to give us His best so much and yet we reject it because 'we had a plan'. So, He is left with the GIFT OF OUR LIVES in hand, aching to see us open it and He is left wanting - as He watches us say 'no' again and again and again.
He waits patiently, until we come to terms with the good gift and then.... He presents us with the beautiful best He had in mind all along, and I imagine Him BEAMING as He peers from the heavenlies telling all of heaven 'LOOK!! Look, she gets it! She wants my gift! She's letting me bless her, FINALLY! OH! The day I've longed for is here - she's letting me heal her heart! She's letting me turn this to her good! She said YES to me! She said YES to me! Oh! LOOK!" He delights in us, you know! He grieves with us, you know! He cherishes everything about us, you know! He waits breathless, as He longs for you to say 'Yes'.
Those 'interruptions' are often God's BEST gifts to us because we didn't know we even needed them. At least that's what I'm learning. He always gives good gifts. Even if it wasn't His plan for us to have certain interruptions, which I know that happens too, He turns all things to our good. He turns the bad into good for us - so even the awful crashes that interrupt us, and are not from Him, He reigns supreme and can turn those around for our good too! That is a safe place to be - under the shadow of His tender loving care. No harm shall come nigh us, from the right or the left. But just like with Job, some things are allowed that ultimately hurt like hell. They hurt and hurt and hurt but.... if we give that hurt to Him, He can turn it into good.
He is only limited by what we willingly give over to Him. If we have a tight grip on the good or bad crash - He has no control. How many people can drive a car at one time? Only one person can sit in the drivers seat, and for good reason. My husband and I are proof of that! We both have our own 'idea' of which is the quickest way to go from A to B. Could you imagine? Me turning the wheel left as he pulls it right? Both of us convinced we are making the best choice. But ultimately we can only go one way and it requires one person surrendering their grasp of the wheel and agreeing to the driver's choice. It is the same with God. We must release control to Him first, before He can guide us on our way.
I recently read a facebook status of a friend that read "God is like a navigational device in your car. If it says go 10 blocks and turn left and you go 10 blocks and turn right He doesn't abandon what you need to do, He just recalculates what you need to do to get to where you are supposed to be based upon where you are." He finds another way to rescue us from our choice... but we must choose to turn at His next prompting. He won't force us to turn anymore than GPS will - it simply again 'recalculates' until we yield to the correct path. Until we release our plan - He cannot guide us, He continues to tell us the BEST way - but we ultimately choose to listen or not. His BEST for us requires our willing surrender to turn where He says. He is simply recaluclating until we willingly comply.
He's such a gentleman! The best part is that He knows our hearts and He knows why certain choices (regarding trusting Him) trigger fear to rise up. He knows the why behind our goofs. He knows the 'good-hearted' intention behind our acts. He sees THAT good intention far more than the harmful act. He knows we meant good and didn't realize the harm that would come in the end - He is a '2nd chance' lover! He aches to give us His best so much and yet we reject it because 'we had a plan'. So, He is left with the GIFT OF OUR LIVES in hand, aching to see us open it and He is left wanting - as He watches us say 'no' again and again and again.
He waits patiently, until we come to terms with the good gift and then.... He presents us with the beautiful best He had in mind all along, and I imagine Him BEAMING as He peers from the heavenlies telling all of heaven 'LOOK!! Look, she gets it! She wants my gift! She's letting me bless her, FINALLY! OH! The day I've longed for is here - she's letting me heal her heart! She's letting me turn this to her good! She said YES to me! She said YES to me! Oh! LOOK!" He delights in us, you know! He grieves with us, you know! He cherishes everything about us, you know! He waits breathless, as He longs for you to say 'Yes'.
Friday, December 24, 2010
He Brings Restoration
What I must tell you is that when God brings restoration - it isn't as you may expect! HIS version of restoration eliminates the loss entirely. When HE brings restoration it is like you return to that place you would have been had you not ever had the 'blip'. But you do have the added treat of a lesson learned, in addtion to being restored. It is above and beyond ALL you could ask or think!!!
In the waiting - it feels like you are being stripped bare but HE so tenderly surprises you with a big 'TADAH', when you resign yourself to accepting where you are. He is FAR more concerned with your character than your wish list!! Once you comply with His plan of building your character - He pours out His GOOD gifts on you like you've never known! The sources of His gifts are literally from every direction and can come from people you don't even know and those who you do love and know! It is unending and overwhelming! God is truly amazing - He BRINGS restoration - as your SOUL prospers - so does He bring prosperity to you!
HIS gifts have NO sorrow attached! NONE! NADA! That's how you know which gifts are from Him! Not one drop of sorrow, although during the journey TO restoration you feel like you've lost everything you ever thought truly mattered!! What you learn is that what you once thought brought sorrow is really the road to joy and beauty! But you cannot SEE the truth in that until you get to the other side of the journey!
In the waiting - it feels like you are being stripped bare but HE so tenderly surprises you with a big 'TADAH', when you resign yourself to accepting where you are. He is FAR more concerned with your character than your wish list!! Once you comply with His plan of building your character - He pours out His GOOD gifts on you like you've never known! The sources of His gifts are literally from every direction and can come from people you don't even know and those who you do love and know! It is unending and overwhelming! God is truly amazing - He BRINGS restoration - as your SOUL prospers - so does He bring prosperity to you!
HIS gifts have NO sorrow attached! NONE! NADA! That's how you know which gifts are from Him! Not one drop of sorrow, although during the journey TO restoration you feel like you've lost everything you ever thought truly mattered!! What you learn is that what you once thought brought sorrow is really the road to joy and beauty! But you cannot SEE the truth in that until you get to the other side of the journey!
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