The Baby Who Wasn't....

And so it goes.... March 28, 2012 brought an unexpected suprise (we were pregnant) and, although a new, uncertain knowing began again on Easter Sunday, the confirmation of what was again 'unexpected' came on April 9, 2012 (the baby was not).  For 12 days we held the joy of hope within our hearts.  For 12 days we were celebrating the gift of life and yet for me - even on March 28th there was a quiet knowing bubbling from the depths of my soul.  This baby wasn't like the first three.

You see - I did celebrate life from the 1st moment.  I did rejoice in the expectation of life and I always will because for 4 years I was found barren - and then baby #1 was knitted into my womb.  An amazing nine months after #1 debuted, #2 was knitted into my womb.  We were content and yet more babies were in our heart.  The dream of more remained.  It wasn't until another 5 years later that our joyful #3 came bouncing into our world.  And now - the announcement of #4 came this March, while our #3 is a mere 22 months old.  Now she is 23 months.  :)  Life is a gift.  Life is a gift, even if for only 12 days and even if I cannot see the face and even if I do not have a labor to endure.  12 days of being is life.

My quiet knowing within was a strange detail.  I have never 'miscarried' before.  I know that is the term but in order for me to explain what has happened to my children - I needed to tell them that the baby died. And that is how it feels to me.  I did nothing wrong, I did not miscarry, my baby died.  My baby was not meant to live.  That is what I believe.  If my baby were meant to live - then live it would have!  But back to my quiet knowing.  As I told my husband we were pregnant, and we giggled with our secret, I had a feeling I've never had before.  "What if this doesn't go as we hope?".  With all of my difficutly in conceiving - I've NEVER had a 2nd thought about the life growing within, but this time.... I did.  This time the dreamy feeling of 'who will this baby be?' was not.  This time the dreamy wondering of 'is this a girl or a boy?' was not.  I felt thrilled to my core and yet I wondered why the rest was a flatline of dreaming.  I was curious but we shared our news none the less.

Why keep life a secret?  I know many do just that and that is okay.  I know we are all different but I could not dare keep such a secret.  I've struggled for life too much to not celebrate.  And I decided that IF this baby were not to be, I would not want to carry that load alone.  I did not know what that would feel like but if I would be devastated - I can not imagine I would then announce "I was pregnant for 12 days and lost the baby."  It would just seem WAY weird to do that.  And so with my quiet wondering of, "will this baby live?' bubbling within -  I fully enjoyed the 12 days of life. 

I wanted to post this via my blog because I wanted to share my story and to warn you that at the next glimmer of life - I will again celebrate and announce with boldness.  I will not be ruled by the fear of 'what if'.  On Sunday, I felt a knowing something was wrong but without certainty. Yesterday, the doctor could not locate the baby on ultrasound and other signs of pregnancy were missing but I found myself very numb and feeling much of nothing really.  I just pondered it all in my heart and yet a peace covered me.  A knowing and a peace.  Today I find myself fine one minute, with a lone tear the next, feeling a heaviness in my chest the next, almost bursting in tears the next, and then nothing.  An unsettled experience but all the while with a stillness and peace.  I am 'fine' as I can tell.  For some strange reason that I cannot comprehend, I am dreading the "I'm sorries." and yet I know that is a part of the journey.  I am confident that God will turn this all to my good.  I am confident that God will turn this to the good of my husband and my children.  He Who began a good work in me WILL be faithful to complete it. 

I know that my God is good! At EVERY point of pain in my life - He has been faithful to restore and heal and love and care for me beautifully.  He will do so again.  My tummy feels empty today - emptier than I've ever known and yet I feel at peace.  Only God could provide such rest in the midst of such disappointment.  I remain yielded to the journey.  My main concern remains with my children having to walk through this and yet I know God has a plan and purpose for them or they would not know this hurt.  They were so happy to have a new sibling.  But.... it remains well with our soul.

I have a question! :)

I've been thinking about the fact that most of my life I have dreaded questions. If a question would arise - I would be on a mission to find and answer. Questions were not welcome. Questions reveal my incompetancy. Questions reveal what I do not know. Questions reveal I need help. Who wants to have questions lurking about?!

Answers were much better to me. Answers mean I know what to do. Answers mean I can predict what to expect - the whole 'if then' world. Answers - I liked answers. Answers brought comfort, a sense of knowing. Yes, answers were much better!

I now see how flawed those thoughts are. I now see, when I wish away the pondering of my own heart, that I fool myself into a false comfort. The false comfort is that I am in control. But that is not even a true statement. It means I think I can handle this, therefore I do not need anyone and so I stop looking for answers. It also means that once I find the answer that sits well with me - I am happy with that and so I stop looking. Answers mean I hurriedly and frantically began searching for an answer and probably missed many necessary lessons along the way. Many times I believe I would have the question arise and I would have a pre-determined answer I wanted to find and if I had even a gentle nudge in that direction I would be thrilled and settle on having 'found' an answer. It is ridiculous to me now.

A question though. Wow! How many, many years did I cheat myself of that gift?! A question means there is a dialogue. A question means communication with Him, as I seek Him more regarding the unknown at hand. A question is a mystery. A question is luring me toward Him more. A question means - I need Him. A question means - I cannot live without Him. Embracing my questions of the heart is beautiful. It allows me to find answers that are true - the real answers. Not due to my striving to fill in the blank with an answer, but due to my knowing He cares enough to communicate with me and stir my heart toward Him again.

Questions reveal weakness and yet I see the strength in resting in the question. Requiring answers reveals self-reliance. We must have an answer because the unknown produces fear. If we cannot rest in Him, fear of the unknown takes over. We feel the urge to know what to expect, so that we are not caught off guard in future situations. We want to know what to expect so that we

Yearning for God's Way

Sometimes I get a little frustrated about those who went before us. I know they were only human and they did the best they knew to do - realizing this fact alone is what keeps me from truly being upset. As a Christian I have SO many questions about what the Bible really says about Church. For so many years, I swallowed the interpretation of church (hook-line-and sinker) provided by the church. It is only now, when I step away and really look at what/who the church appears to be that I see more of a business than a body.

I often wonder - because I do not know - would Christ being tossing tables in what we call holy ground or would He be pleased? I see tape sales, sermon sales, book sales and huge buildings on one glance; and yet I also see the strength a large church offers us in it's influence - it gives the body a more unified voice and more access to seeing God's goodness displayed in our lives. So, I sit here with no answer. I know times are different but should the church BE a business? I believe God equips us all differently and I believe that He equips His people with a great business mind and to prosper in what they do.... but should the church be a business or not? I have no answer and yet I first see a business, when I look at church.

I see charity from the church, I see outreach, I see love and compassion but I see BUSINESS before I see anything else. I do not have an answer to what the church should look like or if this is right or wrong - it has just bugged me lately as I try to find my way. Shouldn't the gifts (1 Corinthians 12:12-31 and 13:1-13) be dominant and business be the silent extra, not the main agenda.

I'm also annoyed when I go to a church and think 'This feels like a nice place." to only find on the 2nd visit that the brother-in-law is on staff and although he loves God.... he is not gifted as a worship leader but does get the shot once a month because he thinks it is his gift. It is so disappointing to get connected and find all the 'politics' lurking about. Shouldn't the pastor be more in tune with God's voice for the body and God's best than in pleasing his brother-in-law?

If God were truly the head, I know our flawed humanity limits Him from being that fully - even though we desire Him to be that, wouldn't the pastor be so in tune with God that he would have the right people on His team and not the family member? Wouldn't they be able to trust God in leading that leader for worship while they focus on what God would have them share from the pulpit? I know this does NOT speak to all churches but.... I have found myself leaving a service, feeling sick, as I hear the plea from the pulpit for offering. I hear less of the "God has called us to this area and God will stir you how to give" and more of the "If you have faith of a mustard seed, you would give all you have and let us have your money so we can continue to employ our large staff. That would show God your faith." Well, if God calls you - yes... there are faith times to build upon but... doesn't HE provide? Did HE promise a HUGE building or did He promise to provide for the needs of the body?

I've had the privilege of being in several large, thriving churches and in smaller bodies. I have attended churches that are well oiled machines and those that are taking their last bottle of oil and doing great wonders with their little. I do not care if the church is a mega church or a small body - yes... God can and does stir the churches to meet the needs of their congregation. I just wonder what He would want church to look like? Are we doing THAT? I do not know. I am so torn about this - I ache to be at the church He has for my family and then I wonder if we are and because of what I was taught to look for in church... I am rejecting His better. I want His better - not my idea of what church is or should be. He knows best - I'm clueless. I ache to know the answer to this question.

God... What do YOU want the church to look like? Do we match Your plan? What are we missing, if anything? Is the church better at manipulating or are they hearing your voice clearly? Did You want a building, or a pulpit, or did You want the body to be those You have caused us to be in relationship with - because how can we influence those we do not know personally? I do not know the answer to this and I yearn to know where You are... I yearn to be where You want to be. I yearn to worship and seek You as You want us to. Show me YOUR ways!?! Show me YOUR ways! Right now I am confused. I need You to show me the way to go. I love You and want to please You. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.