Remembering to Trust

Yesterday brought a sense of inner panic to me. I am reminded that every time I feel 'caged' it is a result of my feeling powerless. It is usually associated with an aha moment that my 'plan' or goal for my life seems to be unlikely. I know that I know that I KNOW that God's ways are higher and better than my ways, and yet I cannot help but feel the heavy loss of my agenda. So that is what yesterday was for me - a realization that another highly valued plan of mine does not seem to be on God's 'to-do list', as far as I can tell, for my tomorrows.

Once I have this understanding - I feel free again. I'm reminded that this walk of faith requires my trusting that His ways are indeed better! Another chance to surrender and rest in Him brings me back to my place of peace. God is good. God IS good! I used to fight the inner struggle and STRIVE to create peace, but that never worked. I'm learning to stop and embrace the moment, no more running, and let Him show me what I'm feeling so that I can grow and release my life into His hands once again. I have yet to be disappointed with His better plan. I may feel overwhelmed at times and I may 'share' what that feels like to me; but it is often the result of an abundance of days, when I try to suppress the feelings, is when I am bringing the most harm to myself. Once I say what I feel, out loud, that is what brings a release that most definitely pours clarity on me. That is one of the clearest ways God uses to speak to my heart. He reminds me that trusting Him in area A and B for my life doesn't override my need to trust Him in area C of my life too. I must surrender control and rest in Him to keep me on the narrow path. I so want to jump ship and do MY thang... and yet that never satisfies.

My every day at home with my kids IS the most rewarding journey of my life. I am amazed that God blesses me with the gift of parenting AND teaching them. If I were to abandon this assignment then I would not be fulfilling my calling. This is my calling - to be Mother and Teacher to my children. It is not an assignment I chose for myself. I often feel overwhelmed by the weight of this assignment and yet the rewards are the sweetest I've ever known. A bad day is just that, it only turns into a bad week or month or more when I try to deny my pain and self-soothe. My soothing tendencies are often ways of escape rather than facing the matter at hand fully. I am so thankful that He hovers ever near me on those days. He gives strength to me as He reveals myself to me. I do not think I could look fully at my filthy self if I did not have His grace hovering above whispering 'I am with you. I love you. I have GOOD plans for you. Let go so I can take the wheel. Let go - I will care for you beautifully. Don't you remember? We've faced this moment together before. I am still here, whenever you are ready to rest and let Me take that burden. I can handle this. I can. I love you daughter. Won't you trust Me again?'

This panic is what yesterday and last night felt like to me. Today I wake up feeling refreshed and as though the load is lighter - I am one of those people who has to SAY it. It doesn't define me. It is just a feeling and a feeling isn't truth, it is how I feel at the moment. A feeling is a skewed view of what is truth. So I am learning to release the 'seems likes' and the 'feelings' sooner than later. The 'feelings' I let linger almost always mislead me into the land of me, myself and I. I want to see truth more clearly and so I choose the truth. Thank you God for hovering ever near, when I am caught up in my feelings.

The End and The Beginning

2010 is now over. Wow! What a great journey 2010 was for us. We have had our share of years that brought us sorrow or regret, but 2010 was not one of those years. 2010 was the beginning of the restoration journey God had for us and one of the major themes was a restoring of JOY! JOY was restored to us at many depths and layers I could not begin to articulate. We've truly seen sorrow become joy, we've truly seen mourning become laughing. We've lived it. What a reward. To know the depths of loss AND restoration is a true gift. Even looking back upon some of our most painful years, I see them clearly today as precious gifts. Lessons learned and growth. Treasures. 2010 - you are a year worth remembering the goodness of the Lord to our family. Thank you Abba Father for showering us with your precious gifts of restoration at every turn in 2010. Thank you for the joy of the unknown being restored as beautiful, instead of painful and full of fear. Thank you for being more real to us than ever before! You are such a GOOD Father!

I look now at 2011 and wonder - what in the world could be ahead of us? 201o brought head-spinning change and restoration and JOY unspeakable and Peace that passes ALL understanding. 2011 - what treasures are you full of? What awaits us? How can I prepare myself for what He has in store for me?

I have never, and I mean never - not as far as I can recall - been a 'New Year's Resolution' girl. What is the point? I do not get it? I do not know what tomorrow holds - so how do I dare resolve anything? I desire to know God more, a desire I've had pounding away within my heart as far as I can recall. I desire to be who I'm called to be. I desire to do what I'm called to do - but I do not dare resolve to do, or abstain from, anything. The one thing I have repeatedly failed to do, every.single.year! is to read through the Bible in a year. I've come awful close to accomplishing that goal and I do desire to accomplish that at some point, but this year - as I thought about starting fresh with the One Year Bible - I realized that is not the most important accomplishment of my life. It would be fruitful but it isn't required.

As I sit here it hit me - how much MORE important it would be for me to read one passage or verse this year, over and over and over, as He so prompts me. To read what HE places on my heart and to saturate myself in that word. To read and know His word is a beautiful thing but how much more beautiful to know THE word He has for me this year. And as I begin to wash myself in His word for my life - I am honed in on the area He desires for me to bear fruit. What a better plan! I cannot fail at that! I have failed miserably at reading every word of the Bible, so far, but I can zero in on that still small voice and wash my heart in His word to ME this year. So that is what I am desiring to do - again not resolving - and I pray to be washed in His word as He so guides me with His still small voice. I'm busting with excitement knowing that He has prompted this idea for me and that means HE HAS A MESSAGE JUST FOR ME! (He has one for you too!)