I attended the International House of Prayer (IHOP) for the first time yesterday. It has been something I've wanted to do for years now, about 8 years of waiting. I didn't want to go alone on my first visit so I took my oldest daughter with me to check it out.
As we first sat there, listening to the worship, it was a feeling of hoping it would be as impactful for me as I imagined it would be. A place of 24 hour prayer and worship would have to have an atmosphere of peace and be a welcome place for the Holy Spirit. I sat and wondered if I would 'get anything' out of this quick stop. I knew my HC wouldn't be up for a true indulgence of it all. She was great though. IHOP was great too. I was thrilled to have indulged for about an hour.
The music was melodic and quiet and no singing, as we entered. It soon began to build. Something was coming. I could feel the mood was changing. They began singing sweet songs of quiet worship. After some time, maybe 10 minutes or less, I began to feel a swell of emotions. The tears bubbled up and they flowed.
"Evaluation.
I see your yes.
I do not look at you as you do.
You even evaluate yourself against yourself. Comparing the 'good' days to now. I see them all and you aren't 'off' now. You are right where you are meant to be.
Come to my table. Find rest.
I see every little yes you give me. It isn't only the big yeses but even the little yeses. I see when you sacrifice your wants for my plans. I see your yes."
The quotes weren't all verbatim but represent the tone of the song(s). I feel like I am evaluating myself in comparison to my community and how I do or do not fit. I feel like I am definitely comparing myself to the sweeter times I've experienced. I evaluate myself so much. I do not know if I am alone in this but I cannot believe that I am.
I find that when I am in a new place, I evaluate myself to death and I was feeling weary from it all. I was fatigued by how I do not measure up in my own eyes. In my own eyes, I was losing and losing big.
I woke this morning with the word 'evaluation' on my mind and then a scripture popped up in my thoughts. THIS is exactly why it says, "Search me and know me.... see if there be any wicked way in me," in Psalms 139. We are not good at evaluating ourselves and God help us if we try to evaluate one another. God help us.
We do not see the end from the beginning. We 'feel' the resistance or the transition or the change in our lives and we 'feel' that we must be behind or struggling or missing it. We are clueless to the fact that the current feeling of struggle is about an incline or a rocky path or we are bush whacking through an unknown. We aren't missing out on progress. We are making HUGE strides forward and we are breaking through the weeds and debris along the way.
Maybe the weeds and debris are our own view of ourselves. Maybe the weeds and debris are past triggers of meeting people and how they rejected us or made us feel unwelcome. Maybe they are feelings of not being enough when you see how qualified and valuable you imagine everyone else is in your world. Maybe the weeds and debris are just a part of growing in an area and we haven't faced such growing pains in awhile; we may have thought our growing had peaked.
Whatever the why behind the weeds and debris, we cannot know what they represent. I was able to see that in God's eyes, I am still on the path. I've felt so lost and off lately that I felt like I am completely off track. I was messing up the journey of my life. Why can't I find my momentum and my fit?
In the song, they repeated, "I see your Yes, I see your Yes!" I wept. I wasn't seeing my quiet yeses. I was feeling the angst. They quiet yeses are just as important to Him as the big ones. Every quiet yes of faith is counted and seen and valued. I do not need a big leap to please Him. The littles are just as important. I am enough. I am accepted. I am valued. I am loved. I am precious. I am SEEN!!! I am KNOWN!!! HE SEES MY YES!! He sees them all the time, every time!! Selah.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Thoughts at 4 AM
As I tossed and turned, trying to quiet my mind and return to sleep, I began to think of countless things. The one thing that returned again and again is thoughts concerning my kids. Another repeated thought was about me and the different seasons and changes I've experienced in my life. I see how my kids are NOT like me, thank God, and yet I see how they are, sometimes thank God and sometimes gulp.
A thought of late, for me, is who am I. I have faced this looming question countless times before and yet here I sit facing another surprising change. I have gone from the painfully shy girl to the girl who is shy around everyone except those who knew me well. I've been the boldly confident one too. I've been the obedient rule follower and then the 'I don't care anymore' live it up a bit kid. I've been proud of who I am and ashamed of who I am. As a newly wed, I was hope filled and expecting fairy tale greatness, within grown up reason of course. Then reality hit, marriage is work. I was a first time mom, finally, and I was swimming with dreams there too. 'If I follow these parenting books and keep a tight ship', my kids will be amazing. Yes, reality check. One child takes every drop of strength I have and another is a delight and another is still awaiting with their surprises for me.
I sit here today wondering who I've become again. We've moved more than I would have planned. I always wanted to stay in one place and raise my kids but I am so glad our journey took us where it has. Every move brought a new unveiling of me and a new awareness of how my God has led me. It has shown me my great faith and my looming fears.
I was always a planner. If you knew me well, I always had a list to check off. I've learned that it is good to have a plan but any journey with God will always take you out of your best plans. I've learned to hold my plans loosely. I sometimes envy those who make a plan and then stick to it or declare they will do such and such in 10 years. I admire their confidence and when they accomplish it, I am amazed. I have been a wanderer for so long now and I know that I do not have the privilege of a long term plan. I digress.
So, who am I? I have been the know it all first time mommy (for 1 whole year and until baby number 2 arrived). I was a 'how will I do this" mommy - 2 kids 18 month apart is work people. Finally, I am a I don't know and I will know when I need to know mom, welcome kid 3 after thinking you cannot have anymore kids whammy and 2 miscarriages to boot. I've been the homeschooling mom and the public school mom and the I want to homeschool again (no I don't) mom. I've been the joyful newly wed. I've been the welcome to reality wife. I've played the role as listener to him connecting us and I've been the chatty Kathy.
Lately, I find myself in a quieter role again. When I think back over the years, I see how we've changed roles. The early years I listened more and my husband was the talker. We moved and that changed. We moved again and half way through that move I became more reflective, 2 miscarriages and no longer homeschooling will do that to ya. Here we are today and, as we meet new people, he is taking the lead. It is an interesting dynamic. I cannot seem to gather my thoughts to say anything in one on one conversations. I sit awkwardly feeling as though I should say something and yet nothing comes to me. I want to hide. Where are my thoughts? How could they be failing me in these pivotal first time encounters.
I am so thankful that my kids are so very bold. It appears they take after their daddy in this area (thank God), he may not speak often but he is clear about what he has to say. They do not seem to war with their thoughts, and maybe I do not see their struggle in this arena. When people speak to them, they are after it! haha I only wish I could be as free again. I suppose I feel like I am in an observer role here. Watching and learning. I have never been in this place before... Maybe it warrants time to understand the way things work. Oh how I wish I were more at ease to be me. I suppose I should extend myself a bit of grace. How can I be at ease to be me if I am not quite sure who I am becoming this time? Being in my mid 40s, I would have thought my questions about myself would have been more resolved.
Maybe the 'who of me' isn't in question. Maybe it is. Maybe it is feeling out of my league. I am a simple jeans and t-shirt girl and I am surrounded by people who ooze confidence in style. I am a faith talker and I haven't had much of those talks lately. I was enjoying my quiet country nook and now I am slap dab in the middle of society and neighbors and the bustle of life. Maybe it isn't weird that I am quiet and stumped. Our time in Virginia was filled with quiet reflecting and slow and steady connections. To go from a slow and controlled quiet pace to a bustling place is jarring and would take an adjustment. Maybe I'm not struggling with the who of me after all. Maybe I am learning to be in the bustle of life again. Maybe I am shell shocked with the unending contact and I need to give myself a bit more credit and a little more time.
So, be still oh my soul.... you are right on time. You are not missing anything. You are quietly re-entering life. You aren't sure of the pace of it all. That is okay. It is to be expected. Going from a beautiful and quiet nook to the middle of a running machine does take a minute to assess. It's kind of like trying to jump into the double swinging jump ropes and you haven't jumped rope with a single rope in years. It takes a minute to jump in but when you do...... Yep. It will feel good again, to have a predictable rhythm to my life. To know how to flow without all of the internal pauses will feel good. Last year was about settling in, this year is about re-entering the game.
A thought of late, for me, is who am I. I have faced this looming question countless times before and yet here I sit facing another surprising change. I have gone from the painfully shy girl to the girl who is shy around everyone except those who knew me well. I've been the boldly confident one too. I've been the obedient rule follower and then the 'I don't care anymore' live it up a bit kid. I've been proud of who I am and ashamed of who I am. As a newly wed, I was hope filled and expecting fairy tale greatness, within grown up reason of course. Then reality hit, marriage is work. I was a first time mom, finally, and I was swimming with dreams there too. 'If I follow these parenting books and keep a tight ship', my kids will be amazing. Yes, reality check. One child takes every drop of strength I have and another is a delight and another is still awaiting with their surprises for me.
I sit here today wondering who I've become again. We've moved more than I would have planned. I always wanted to stay in one place and raise my kids but I am so glad our journey took us where it has. Every move brought a new unveiling of me and a new awareness of how my God has led me. It has shown me my great faith and my looming fears.
I was always a planner. If you knew me well, I always had a list to check off. I've learned that it is good to have a plan but any journey with God will always take you out of your best plans. I've learned to hold my plans loosely. I sometimes envy those who make a plan and then stick to it or declare they will do such and such in 10 years. I admire their confidence and when they accomplish it, I am amazed. I have been a wanderer for so long now and I know that I do not have the privilege of a long term plan. I digress.
So, who am I? I have been the know it all first time mommy (for 1 whole year and until baby number 2 arrived). I was a 'how will I do this" mommy - 2 kids 18 month apart is work people. Finally, I am a I don't know and I will know when I need to know mom, welcome kid 3 after thinking you cannot have anymore kids whammy and 2 miscarriages to boot. I've been the homeschooling mom and the public school mom and the I want to homeschool again (no I don't) mom. I've been the joyful newly wed. I've been the welcome to reality wife. I've played the role as listener to him connecting us and I've been the chatty Kathy.
Lately, I find myself in a quieter role again. When I think back over the years, I see how we've changed roles. The early years I listened more and my husband was the talker. We moved and that changed. We moved again and half way through that move I became more reflective, 2 miscarriages and no longer homeschooling will do that to ya. Here we are today and, as we meet new people, he is taking the lead. It is an interesting dynamic. I cannot seem to gather my thoughts to say anything in one on one conversations. I sit awkwardly feeling as though I should say something and yet nothing comes to me. I want to hide. Where are my thoughts? How could they be failing me in these pivotal first time encounters.
I am so thankful that my kids are so very bold. It appears they take after their daddy in this area (thank God), he may not speak often but he is clear about what he has to say. They do not seem to war with their thoughts, and maybe I do not see their struggle in this arena. When people speak to them, they are after it! haha I only wish I could be as free again. I suppose I feel like I am in an observer role here. Watching and learning. I have never been in this place before... Maybe it warrants time to understand the way things work. Oh how I wish I were more at ease to be me. I suppose I should extend myself a bit of grace. How can I be at ease to be me if I am not quite sure who I am becoming this time? Being in my mid 40s, I would have thought my questions about myself would have been more resolved.
Maybe the 'who of me' isn't in question. Maybe it is. Maybe it is feeling out of my league. I am a simple jeans and t-shirt girl and I am surrounded by people who ooze confidence in style. I am a faith talker and I haven't had much of those talks lately. I was enjoying my quiet country nook and now I am slap dab in the middle of society and neighbors and the bustle of life. Maybe it isn't weird that I am quiet and stumped. Our time in Virginia was filled with quiet reflecting and slow and steady connections. To go from a slow and controlled quiet pace to a bustling place is jarring and would take an adjustment. Maybe I'm not struggling with the who of me after all. Maybe I am learning to be in the bustle of life again. Maybe I am shell shocked with the unending contact and I need to give myself a bit more credit and a little more time.
So, be still oh my soul.... you are right on time. You are not missing anything. You are quietly re-entering life. You aren't sure of the pace of it all. That is okay. It is to be expected. Going from a beautiful and quiet nook to the middle of a running machine does take a minute to assess. It's kind of like trying to jump into the double swinging jump ropes and you haven't jumped rope with a single rope in years. It takes a minute to jump in but when you do...... Yep. It will feel good again, to have a predictable rhythm to my life. To know how to flow without all of the internal pauses will feel good. Last year was about settling in, this year is about re-entering the game.
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