She Said God Said What?

After my last post, I was reminded of that Friends episode where Rachel is pregnant and she and Ross are seeing the baby on ultrasound for the first time. The tech shows her the baby and they look so amazed, the tech leaves and Rachel begins to cry. Ross asks her what is wrong and she says 'I don't see it.'. She could not see the baby on the screen. She felt that she was already failing as a Mom. Well, that is what came to mind and I thought - it may not be crystal clear how I 'heard God' regarding the chaos described in my last post. So here I go trying to connect dots.

I would have to say, it usually begins with a question for me. I am going along my happy way when a question will rise up within my heart. A question regarding things I long stopped pondering. Something I thought I was crystal clear on. Then without warning a question would rise regarding that very matter. There is no rhyme or reason - just suddenly I am unclear about that matter. It ends with me wondering "What does God think about this? Am I pursuing Him in this area of my life or am I doing what 'they' say I should?". I begin to look for how I came to the conclusions I've based my assumptions on and I look for God to answer me.

I would have to say that having questions at all has been a journey of sorts. I like to have answers, not questions. Over the last 3 or so years I have come to embrace any and all questions in my life. Before I felt so unsure and weak, if I had a question within, now I know that if I have an internal question rise up - I am on a journey to my answer. He is pursuing my heart in that matter. He wants me to find the answer in this area. That has brought me loads of joy, knowing I am not a mess - by having a question - and He is pursuing my heart.... again. {Swoon}

So, regarding my last post, this question rose up for me in November of 2009. My questions are not always answered right away - the question usually directs my focus to the area I need to be mindful of as I journey on. This question began to stir up "Why do I believe blah, blah, blah? What do I base this foundational truth on, God's prompting or the 'they' said so? What does God have to say about this?". Then I am off and running.

This particular inner question began in November 2009. I have my question - so now what? I used to feel panic, when the question would rise, now it brings a sense of settling and knowing all is well. He is my tour guide now, I just need to remain alert to when He brings truth regarding this matter. I need to seek now. I must remain alert and be intentional. I won't just find truth lying around - truth must be sought.

I have learned that seeking truth is not a striving job - it is a job you do at rest in Him. Sure, you can strive on the seeking journey - it just isn't freeing nor is it fun. Seeking, while striving, is in YOUR strength. Seeking, while resting, is like a scavenger hunt. You know you need to be aware but you never know when you will happen upon a clue. You must remain awake enough to notice that He is stirring your attention to His answers. You could walk right past a vital clue in the mysteries of God. Remaining alert is necessary - striving is not. If you are striving you may miss the gift because it seems too simple. At rest, you see the gift clearly because you are not overcomplicating things. You are enjoying the ride.

I was enjoying the ride when suddenly the 'aha' moment on Sunday triggered a hot spot of anxiety in me. I could have misunderstood that 'anxiety' was a clue to my truth IF I were busy striving. In striving we often feel pressure to perform. Pressure to know the answer. At rest, when anxiety rises up - it is a foreign feeling - not a part of the every day. So my anxiety was a clue that something wasn't right. The something that wasn't right was that Satan was taking a former offense and twisting my perspective.

The Pastor was simply declaring an obvious and undeniable truth, one that I agreed with fully; and I was hearing 'they want you to be bound like before again, see... this is how church is.... see they want blah, blah, blah'. The thought was a perversion of the truth. The thought was twisting the message - just like the old serpent did to Eve. Twisting the words of God to make it sound like a punishment instead of a precious gift. Luring me into the area of isolating or offense. Had I taken the bait, like I am guilty of time after time, I would not have been left as a worthless cause. God would have patiently waited for me to be ready for the truth again and He would have revealed truth again. But thankfully I have been resting on this journey, and not striving, so I am able to tell the difference between a lie and truth. The lie was an awfully good one too. I had seen the 'theys' of life stand wholly on this perverted truth and say 'thus sayeth the Lord' many times. But this Pastor was not, he was quoting the Bible and bringing simple clarity. It could not be denied.

This explains how I attribute the chaos that ensued on Sunday as the voice of God. God's voice was revealing truth, Satan was perverting it, I was left to choose what I would choose to see. Thankfully my rest revealed what was glaringly obvious, God was still offering me the path to freedom. He was confirming that very fact. The lunch afterwards was just a whammy to further the feeling of panic and being trapped. It was an attack. Full blown warfare. That is what spiritual warfare looks like, at least that is what I've learned along the way. It seems like an ordinary bad day - but all the while you are confirming or rejecting 'truths' you've long accepted as 'truth'. Only by the grace of God do we come out of the matter stronger and more free than when we began.