The Baby Who Wasn't....

And so it goes.... March 28, 2012 brought an unexpected suprise (we were pregnant) and, although a new, uncertain knowing began again on Easter Sunday, the confirmation of what was again 'unexpected' came on April 9, 2012 (the baby was not).  For 12 days we held the joy of hope within our hearts.  For 12 days we were celebrating the gift of life and yet for me - even on March 28th there was a quiet knowing bubbling from the depths of my soul.  This baby wasn't like the first three.

You see - I did celebrate life from the 1st moment.  I did rejoice in the expectation of life and I always will because for 4 years I was found barren - and then baby #1 was knitted into my womb.  An amazing nine months after #1 debuted, #2 was knitted into my womb.  We were content and yet more babies were in our heart.  The dream of more remained.  It wasn't until another 5 years later that our joyful #3 came bouncing into our world.  And now - the announcement of #4 came this March, while our #3 is a mere 22 months old.  Now she is 23 months.  :)  Life is a gift.  Life is a gift, even if for only 12 days and even if I cannot see the face and even if I do not have a labor to endure.  12 days of being is life.

My quiet knowing within was a strange detail.  I have never 'miscarried' before.  I know that is the term but in order for me to explain what has happened to my children - I needed to tell them that the baby died. And that is how it feels to me.  I did nothing wrong, I did not miscarry, my baby died.  My baby was not meant to live.  That is what I believe.  If my baby were meant to live - then live it would have!  But back to my quiet knowing.  As I told my husband we were pregnant, and we giggled with our secret, I had a feeling I've never had before.  "What if this doesn't go as we hope?".  With all of my difficutly in conceiving - I've NEVER had a 2nd thought about the life growing within, but this time.... I did.  This time the dreamy feeling of 'who will this baby be?' was not.  This time the dreamy wondering of 'is this a girl or a boy?' was not.  I felt thrilled to my core and yet I wondered why the rest was a flatline of dreaming.  I was curious but we shared our news none the less.

Why keep life a secret?  I know many do just that and that is okay.  I know we are all different but I could not dare keep such a secret.  I've struggled for life too much to not celebrate.  And I decided that IF this baby were not to be, I would not want to carry that load alone.  I did not know what that would feel like but if I would be devastated - I can not imagine I would then announce "I was pregnant for 12 days and lost the baby."  It would just seem WAY weird to do that.  And so with my quiet wondering of, "will this baby live?' bubbling within -  I fully enjoyed the 12 days of life. 

I wanted to post this via my blog because I wanted to share my story and to warn you that at the next glimmer of life - I will again celebrate and announce with boldness.  I will not be ruled by the fear of 'what if'.  On Sunday, I felt a knowing something was wrong but without certainty. Yesterday, the doctor could not locate the baby on ultrasound and other signs of pregnancy were missing but I found myself very numb and feeling much of nothing really.  I just pondered it all in my heart and yet a peace covered me.  A knowing and a peace.  Today I find myself fine one minute, with a lone tear the next, feeling a heaviness in my chest the next, almost bursting in tears the next, and then nothing.  An unsettled experience but all the while with a stillness and peace.  I am 'fine' as I can tell.  For some strange reason that I cannot comprehend, I am dreading the "I'm sorries." and yet I know that is a part of the journey.  I am confident that God will turn this all to my good.  I am confident that God will turn this to the good of my husband and my children.  He Who began a good work in me WILL be faithful to complete it. 

I know that my God is good! At EVERY point of pain in my life - He has been faithful to restore and heal and love and care for me beautifully.  He will do so again.  My tummy feels empty today - emptier than I've ever known and yet I feel at peace.  Only God could provide such rest in the midst of such disappointment.  I remain yielded to the journey.  My main concern remains with my children having to walk through this and yet I know God has a plan and purpose for them or they would not know this hurt.  They were so happy to have a new sibling.  But.... it remains well with our soul.