After my last post, I was reminded of that Friends episode where Rachel is pregnant and she and Ross are seeing the baby on ultrasound for the first time. The tech shows her the baby and they look so amazed, the tech leaves and Rachel begins to cry. Ross asks her what is wrong and she says 'I don't see it.'. She could not see the baby on the screen. She felt that she was already failing as a Mom. Well, that is what came to mind and I thought - it may not be crystal clear how I 'heard God' regarding the chaos described in my last post. So here I go trying to connect dots.
I would have to say, it usually begins with a question for me. I am going along my happy way when a question will rise up within my heart. A question regarding things I long stopped pondering. Something I thought I was crystal clear on. Then without warning a question would rise regarding that very matter. There is no rhyme or reason - just suddenly I am unclear about that matter. It ends with me wondering "What does God think about this? Am I pursuing Him in this area of my life or am I doing what 'they' say I should?". I begin to look for how I came to the conclusions I've based my assumptions on and I look for God to answer me.
I would have to say that having questions at all has been a journey of sorts. I like to have answers, not questions. Over the last 3 or so years I have come to embrace any and all questions in my life. Before I felt so unsure and weak, if I had a question within, now I know that if I have an internal question rise up - I am on a journey to my answer. He is pursuing my heart in that matter. He wants me to find the answer in this area. That has brought me loads of joy, knowing I am not a mess - by having a question - and He is pursuing my heart.... again. {Swoon}
So, regarding my last post, this question rose up for me in November of 2009. My questions are not always answered right away - the question usually directs my focus to the area I need to be mindful of as I journey on. This question began to stir up "Why do I believe blah, blah, blah? What do I base this foundational truth on, God's prompting or the 'they' said so? What does God have to say about this?". Then I am off and running.
This particular inner question began in November 2009. I have my question - so now what? I used to feel panic, when the question would rise, now it brings a sense of settling and knowing all is well. He is my tour guide now, I just need to remain alert to when He brings truth regarding this matter. I need to seek now. I must remain alert and be intentional. I won't just find truth lying around - truth must be sought.
I have learned that seeking truth is not a striving job - it is a job you do at rest in Him. Sure, you can strive on the seeking journey - it just isn't freeing nor is it fun. Seeking, while striving, is in YOUR strength. Seeking, while resting, is like a scavenger hunt. You know you need to be aware but you never know when you will happen upon a clue. You must remain awake enough to notice that He is stirring your attention to His answers. You could walk right past a vital clue in the mysteries of God. Remaining alert is necessary - striving is not. If you are striving you may miss the gift because it seems too simple. At rest, you see the gift clearly because you are not overcomplicating things. You are enjoying the ride.
I was enjoying the ride when suddenly the 'aha' moment on Sunday triggered a hot spot of anxiety in me. I could have misunderstood that 'anxiety' was a clue to my truth IF I were busy striving. In striving we often feel pressure to perform. Pressure to know the answer. At rest, when anxiety rises up - it is a foreign feeling - not a part of the every day. So my anxiety was a clue that something wasn't right. The something that wasn't right was that Satan was taking a former offense and twisting my perspective.
The Pastor was simply declaring an obvious and undeniable truth, one that I agreed with fully; and I was hearing 'they want you to be bound like before again, see... this is how church is.... see they want blah, blah, blah'. The thought was a perversion of the truth. The thought was twisting the message - just like the old serpent did to Eve. Twisting the words of God to make it sound like a punishment instead of a precious gift. Luring me into the area of isolating or offense. Had I taken the bait, like I am guilty of time after time, I would not have been left as a worthless cause. God would have patiently waited for me to be ready for the truth again and He would have revealed truth again. But thankfully I have been resting on this journey, and not striving, so I am able to tell the difference between a lie and truth. The lie was an awfully good one too. I had seen the 'theys' of life stand wholly on this perverted truth and say 'thus sayeth the Lord' many times. But this Pastor was not, he was quoting the Bible and bringing simple clarity. It could not be denied.
This explains how I attribute the chaos that ensued on Sunday as the voice of God. God's voice was revealing truth, Satan was perverting it, I was left to choose what I would choose to see. Thankfully my rest revealed what was glaringly obvious, God was still offering me the path to freedom. He was confirming that very fact. The lunch afterwards was just a whammy to further the feeling of panic and being trapped. It was an attack. Full blown warfare. That is what spiritual warfare looks like, at least that is what I've learned along the way. It seems like an ordinary bad day - but all the while you are confirming or rejecting 'truths' you've long accepted as 'truth'. Only by the grace of God do we come out of the matter stronger and more free than when we began.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
God's Still Small Voice
How do I 'sense' God or how do I 'hear' Him? Here's a great example: This past Sunday was so lovely... for a bit. The day started off right, we even left on time. We arrived, and rather than my husband and I both going our separate ways to bring the kids to class and clumsily finding one another in the sanctuary, we had time to escort the kids to class, meet in the hallway and walk in together, we sat down for a minute before things began. This Sunday was off and running and I was feeling good.
Worship began and you could feel joy bubbling up in the air - almost a heartbeat pulse of something stirring. I felt good - it was pleasant. Then as they began singing a slower song - I felt a peaceful change. A peace was now in the air. It was lovely. It was refreshing. It was empowering. Then worship ended and I was ready for the message to begin. As they began their fun announcements, and they were FUNNY, I was feeling like this was going to be a GOOD day.
The announcements were finished. Time for the Word. The Pastor begins his message - I am getting aha moments left and right and I am writing notes to remind myself of what God is showing me as I am trying to process the message. The Pastor is speaking to the very questions I've had on my heart for many years. I'm writing, agreeing and getting it and yet I feel offended. It is all of a sudden and I am thinking - "What is this about?". I am still enjoying the process of gleaning and understanding a passage that has long confused my feeble mind, I am feeling excited to have more clarity and... I don't like it too. It is a slight annoyance rising up. The service ends, I'm still holding onto my happy feelings and yet my 'I am annoyed' radar is rising by the minute.
We leave the church, all are a twitter with good reports, we discuss lunch as we pull out of the parking lot. Annoyance radar is hitting a higher level by the minute and yet I KNOW this is ridiculous and clearly an attack on my mind. I do not get it. Why? Why am I so annoyed?! Annoyance radar is rising. Kids are talking, husband is asking what I want for dinner for the 900th time - without suggesting 1 thing, I roll down the window - I am feeling cornered. I am feeling panicked. I am feeling ANNOYED! WHY AM I SO ANNOYED?! HOW ANNOYING!
We finally decide on a destination. I pull myself together. Peace returns, orders made, drinking our teas and such, eating our appetizer.... ready to enjoy my family when..... THEY walk in. The family with 4 SCREECHING children, who sit directly behind me and the parents aren't parenting - they are bickering. I am trying to be good. Trying to be kind.. trying to NOT be ANNOYED..... I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed at this family AND I'm annoyed that I cannot breathe for the fact that their screeches are causing my ears to throb in pain. The waitress brings our meal - yes! We are nearly done - we can escape this torture chamber... when..... I ASKED FOR NO BACON. Send it back and tell her not to bring anything else - I NEED to get out of here. I NEED to get out of here. Panic is all around me and I KNOW this is an attack on my peace and yet I cannot shake the feelings of annoyance. I am completely composed, but like a tea pot on the stove, I need a release valve. We are ready for the check and the waitress brings my correct order - AGHHHH! We pay, take my food to go and I am on major internal stress mode now.
We go home and I go to my room to be alone. Now I cannot even enjoy my family for the torture of these strangers. I am mad at my husband for not rescuing us. I am mad at those people for being in public. I am mad at myself for being mad. I am MAD!
Monday afternoon it hits me. There was a point the Pastor made on Sunday that I heard and although I understood his point, I felt a bit annoyed by his point. I agreed with his point and yet I have issues with it - due to my life experiences and so I felt he was shackling me to a very area I felt God was freeing me from. I know the Pastor was not doing that, nor was he saying I needed to be bound in the area God was providing freedom for me and yet my mind could not shake that feeling of being imprisoned in that area again. Then I go to eat and I feel there is no escape from the chaos that abounds and then I'm mad at my husband for not protecting me from all this strife. It was clearly ordinary misfortune but my internal dialogue was growing these matters by the millisecond.
Monday evening I had clarity - this was all the result of anxiety being triggered. Anxiety is a root of fear. Fear is not from God and thus - it wasn't His message or demand on me. It was an area that I am working on and I couldn't stop the internal dialogue that is triggered when I 'feel' like someone is trying to trap me into doing something I do not want to do. I am seeking God on how He wants me to participate in these areas and I have been at rest thus far. I've been taking baby steps forward in this area - to trust Him in this matter and yet hoping I am following His nudge and not my own agenda.
I feel like a toddler - wobbling in this matter of the heart. Like the littlest thing can startle me and I am wobbling or running faster than my feet can take me and I collapse. I skin my knee, bump my head, scratch my hands - want to cry, NEED help... all because I am learning to walk in this place with the Lord again. Walking with Him and not being the people pleaser. Listening for where He says I should spend my gifts, and not where there are gaping holes. Hearing a Word of truth, one that I agreed with, somehow triggered me to take on responsibilities - internally - that were not even real and caused me to feel completely taken advantage of.
This is not reasonable nor real - and yet this is how it works. Truth is spoken every day that we can agree with but for some reason we can then have a really strong reaction to the matter and react, based on our internal dialogue versus what is really said. I ended Monday with revelation. Once again I'm at the place in my life where I must display my trust in Him. Trust is an ever-growing journey. We never arrive, we are always needing to trust Him anew.
We may feel so strong in our faith in God today and tomorrow we are faced with a moment to trust Him again and find ourselves feeble and unsure. Trust may be strong in much of our life and yet one area may cause us to trip up every time. He wants to develop trust in that area. It is OK for us to wobble - He knows this is a toddler moment for us. He knows we cannot walk fully in this area yet. But He wants to encourage us along the road. Fear has no place with Him. It is always about 'Do I trust Him with my heart regarding x-thing?'. The 'x-thing' is different every time and we need to keep stepping forward, and at times - we fall flat on our faces. But that is OK, He is expecting it and just as we are with our toddlers - we don't shout at them for falling. We gently pick them up, console them and urge them to try again as we enthusiastically call their name and say 'you can do this'. So is our Father with us. He is gentle, encouraging, nurturing and rooting for us. And so, I am aware of what Sunday was about, really, and I can now stand back up and take a few steps forward again. Who knows - I may fall flat on my face again but then again... I just might take off running and not turn back. I love the adventure of growing in Him - it is never dull. Thank you Father for always lifting me back up when I fall flat on my face.
Worship began and you could feel joy bubbling up in the air - almost a heartbeat pulse of something stirring. I felt good - it was pleasant. Then as they began singing a slower song - I felt a peaceful change. A peace was now in the air. It was lovely. It was refreshing. It was empowering. Then worship ended and I was ready for the message to begin. As they began their fun announcements, and they were FUNNY, I was feeling like this was going to be a GOOD day.
The announcements were finished. Time for the Word. The Pastor begins his message - I am getting aha moments left and right and I am writing notes to remind myself of what God is showing me as I am trying to process the message. The Pastor is speaking to the very questions I've had on my heart for many years. I'm writing, agreeing and getting it and yet I feel offended. It is all of a sudden and I am thinking - "What is this about?". I am still enjoying the process of gleaning and understanding a passage that has long confused my feeble mind, I am feeling excited to have more clarity and... I don't like it too. It is a slight annoyance rising up. The service ends, I'm still holding onto my happy feelings and yet my 'I am annoyed' radar is rising by the minute.
We leave the church, all are a twitter with good reports, we discuss lunch as we pull out of the parking lot. Annoyance radar is hitting a higher level by the minute and yet I KNOW this is ridiculous and clearly an attack on my mind. I do not get it. Why? Why am I so annoyed?! Annoyance radar is rising. Kids are talking, husband is asking what I want for dinner for the 900th time - without suggesting 1 thing, I roll down the window - I am feeling cornered. I am feeling panicked. I am feeling ANNOYED! WHY AM I SO ANNOYED?! HOW ANNOYING!
We finally decide on a destination. I pull myself together. Peace returns, orders made, drinking our teas and such, eating our appetizer.... ready to enjoy my family when..... THEY walk in. The family with 4 SCREECHING children, who sit directly behind me and the parents aren't parenting - they are bickering. I am trying to be good. Trying to be kind.. trying to NOT be ANNOYED..... I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed at this family AND I'm annoyed that I cannot breathe for the fact that their screeches are causing my ears to throb in pain. The waitress brings our meal - yes! We are nearly done - we can escape this torture chamber... when..... I ASKED FOR NO BACON. Send it back and tell her not to bring anything else - I NEED to get out of here. I NEED to get out of here. Panic is all around me and I KNOW this is an attack on my peace and yet I cannot shake the feelings of annoyance. I am completely composed, but like a tea pot on the stove, I need a release valve. We are ready for the check and the waitress brings my correct order - AGHHHH! We pay, take my food to go and I am on major internal stress mode now.
We go home and I go to my room to be alone. Now I cannot even enjoy my family for the torture of these strangers. I am mad at my husband for not rescuing us. I am mad at those people for being in public. I am mad at myself for being mad. I am MAD!
Monday afternoon it hits me. There was a point the Pastor made on Sunday that I heard and although I understood his point, I felt a bit annoyed by his point. I agreed with his point and yet I have issues with it - due to my life experiences and so I felt he was shackling me to a very area I felt God was freeing me from. I know the Pastor was not doing that, nor was he saying I needed to be bound in the area God was providing freedom for me and yet my mind could not shake that feeling of being imprisoned in that area again. Then I go to eat and I feel there is no escape from the chaos that abounds and then I'm mad at my husband for not protecting me from all this strife. It was clearly ordinary misfortune but my internal dialogue was growing these matters by the millisecond.
Monday evening I had clarity - this was all the result of anxiety being triggered. Anxiety is a root of fear. Fear is not from God and thus - it wasn't His message or demand on me. It was an area that I am working on and I couldn't stop the internal dialogue that is triggered when I 'feel' like someone is trying to trap me into doing something I do not want to do. I am seeking God on how He wants me to participate in these areas and I have been at rest thus far. I've been taking baby steps forward in this area - to trust Him in this matter and yet hoping I am following His nudge and not my own agenda.
I feel like a toddler - wobbling in this matter of the heart. Like the littlest thing can startle me and I am wobbling or running faster than my feet can take me and I collapse. I skin my knee, bump my head, scratch my hands - want to cry, NEED help... all because I am learning to walk in this place with the Lord again. Walking with Him and not being the people pleaser. Listening for where He says I should spend my gifts, and not where there are gaping holes. Hearing a Word of truth, one that I agreed with, somehow triggered me to take on responsibilities - internally - that were not even real and caused me to feel completely taken advantage of.
This is not reasonable nor real - and yet this is how it works. Truth is spoken every day that we can agree with but for some reason we can then have a really strong reaction to the matter and react, based on our internal dialogue versus what is really said. I ended Monday with revelation. Once again I'm at the place in my life where I must display my trust in Him. Trust is an ever-growing journey. We never arrive, we are always needing to trust Him anew.
We may feel so strong in our faith in God today and tomorrow we are faced with a moment to trust Him again and find ourselves feeble and unsure. Trust may be strong in much of our life and yet one area may cause us to trip up every time. He wants to develop trust in that area. It is OK for us to wobble - He knows this is a toddler moment for us. He knows we cannot walk fully in this area yet. But He wants to encourage us along the road. Fear has no place with Him. It is always about 'Do I trust Him with my heart regarding x-thing?'. The 'x-thing' is different every time and we need to keep stepping forward, and at times - we fall flat on our faces. But that is OK, He is expecting it and just as we are with our toddlers - we don't shout at them for falling. We gently pick them up, console them and urge them to try again as we enthusiastically call their name and say 'you can do this'. So is our Father with us. He is gentle, encouraging, nurturing and rooting for us. And so, I am aware of what Sunday was about, really, and I can now stand back up and take a few steps forward again. Who knows - I may fall flat on my face again but then again... I just might take off running and not turn back. I love the adventure of growing in Him - it is never dull. Thank you Father for always lifting me back up when I fall flat on my face.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Goodness - The Great Enemy of God
One of the many 'aha' moments for me this Sunday: I never considered that God poured out, lavishly, His gifts - opportunity and blessings - to Adam and Eve, and to the Israelites, without them doing anything 1st! He built relationship with them BEFORE He gave them the law. He just poured out His goodness on them.
He gave them the law as a tool for them to see who He was. They, the Israelites, knew He was powerful because He destroyed the Egyptians in the Red Sea - but they didn't know if He was good. They asked Moses to be the go between because they feared His wrath. It wasn't until He gave them the law that they knew He was good too, not only powerful. The law is a tool for us to know where we are in our relationship with him.
He KNEW we could not meet the standard of keeping the law. That is why when He cut the covenant with Abram God passed through the covenant sacrifices (in the form of a cloud and fire -interesting detail). (Genesis 15: 17-18) When a covenant was cut - the lesser partner would normally walk between the sacrifice stating "If I do not keep this covenant, may what happened to these animals happen to me." God KNEW we could not keep the law, He KNEW we needed His grace, He knew He would have to sacrifice His Son, even then. It was His plan all along - He wasn't surprised by our failure to keep the law. He KNEW if Abram walked through the covenant agreement that would mean death for us all, we would be bound to the law. Christ was the fulfillment of the covenant. The law is meant to guide us to be more like God and is really for our good. (Galatians 3:24)
The law is now meant for us to see how far we are from where God wants us. The Israelites were not a formal group of people, a nationality, He chose them as His. They did not have a home or a standard of living - He was giving them rules for them to live together well, not rules that would allow them to go to heaven. Obeying the law helps us to display our love for one another better, it does not offer salvation. If the law offered salvation - we would not need Christ's death on the cross. The law reveals His grace to us. It is a revelation of how we can not do it on our own. He owns this covenant and He invites us to come and receive His grace - to accept Christ's body and sacrifice in the covenant. It is not about what I do. It is ALL about what He did! Eternal life is not a gift given to good people, it is a gift given to forgiven people. Goodness is the great enemy of God.
He gave them the law as a tool for them to see who He was. They, the Israelites, knew He was powerful because He destroyed the Egyptians in the Red Sea - but they didn't know if He was good. They asked Moses to be the go between because they feared His wrath. It wasn't until He gave them the law that they knew He was good too, not only powerful. The law is a tool for us to know where we are in our relationship with him.
He KNEW we could not meet the standard of keeping the law. That is why when He cut the covenant with Abram God passed through the covenant sacrifices (in the form of a cloud and fire -interesting detail). (Genesis 15: 17-18) When a covenant was cut - the lesser partner would normally walk between the sacrifice stating "If I do not keep this covenant, may what happened to these animals happen to me." God KNEW we could not keep the law, He KNEW we needed His grace, He knew He would have to sacrifice His Son, even then. It was His plan all along - He wasn't surprised by our failure to keep the law. He KNEW if Abram walked through the covenant agreement that would mean death for us all, we would be bound to the law. Christ was the fulfillment of the covenant. The law is meant to guide us to be more like God and is really for our good. (Galatians 3:24)
The law is now meant for us to see how far we are from where God wants us. The Israelites were not a formal group of people, a nationality, He chose them as His. They did not have a home or a standard of living - He was giving them rules for them to live together well, not rules that would allow them to go to heaven. Obeying the law helps us to display our love for one another better, it does not offer salvation. If the law offered salvation - we would not need Christ's death on the cross. The law reveals His grace to us. It is a revelation of how we can not do it on our own. He owns this covenant and He invites us to come and receive His grace - to accept Christ's body and sacrifice in the covenant. It is not about what I do. It is ALL about what He did! Eternal life is not a gift given to good people, it is a gift given to forgiven people. Goodness is the great enemy of God.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Remembering to Trust
Yesterday brought a sense of inner panic to me. I am reminded that every time I feel 'caged' it is a result of my feeling powerless. It is usually associated with an aha moment that my 'plan' or goal for my life seems to be unlikely. I know that I know that I KNOW that God's ways are higher and better than my ways, and yet I cannot help but feel the heavy loss of my agenda. So that is what yesterday was for me - a realization that another highly valued plan of mine does not seem to be on God's 'to-do list', as far as I can tell, for my tomorrows.
Once I have this understanding - I feel free again. I'm reminded that this walk of faith requires my trusting that His ways are indeed better! Another chance to surrender and rest in Him brings me back to my place of peace. God is good. God IS good! I used to fight the inner struggle and STRIVE to create peace, but that never worked. I'm learning to stop and embrace the moment, no more running, and let Him show me what I'm feeling so that I can grow and release my life into His hands once again. I have yet to be disappointed with His better plan. I may feel overwhelmed at times and I may 'share' what that feels like to me; but it is often the result of an abundance of days, when I try to suppress the feelings, is when I am bringing the most harm to myself. Once I say what I feel, out loud, that is what brings a release that most definitely pours clarity on me. That is one of the clearest ways God uses to speak to my heart. He reminds me that trusting Him in area A and B for my life doesn't override my need to trust Him in area C of my life too. I must surrender control and rest in Him to keep me on the narrow path. I so want to jump ship and do MY thang... and yet that never satisfies.
My every day at home with my kids IS the most rewarding journey of my life. I am amazed that God blesses me with the gift of parenting AND teaching them. If I were to abandon this assignment then I would not be fulfilling my calling. This is my calling - to be Mother and Teacher to my children. It is not an assignment I chose for myself. I often feel overwhelmed by the weight of this assignment and yet the rewards are the sweetest I've ever known. A bad day is just that, it only turns into a bad week or month or more when I try to deny my pain and self-soothe. My soothing tendencies are often ways of escape rather than facing the matter at hand fully. I am so thankful that He hovers ever near me on those days. He gives strength to me as He reveals myself to me. I do not think I could look fully at my filthy self if I did not have His grace hovering above whispering 'I am with you. I love you. I have GOOD plans for you. Let go so I can take the wheel. Let go - I will care for you beautifully. Don't you remember? We've faced this moment together before. I am still here, whenever you are ready to rest and let Me take that burden. I can handle this. I can. I love you daughter. Won't you trust Me again?'
This panic is what yesterday and last night felt like to me. Today I wake up feeling refreshed and as though the load is lighter - I am one of those people who has to SAY it. It doesn't define me. It is just a feeling and a feeling isn't truth, it is how I feel at the moment. A feeling is a skewed view of what is truth. So I am learning to release the 'seems likes' and the 'feelings' sooner than later. The 'feelings' I let linger almost always mislead me into the land of me, myself and I. I want to see truth more clearly and so I choose the truth. Thank you God for hovering ever near, when I am caught up in my feelings.
Once I have this understanding - I feel free again. I'm reminded that this walk of faith requires my trusting that His ways are indeed better! Another chance to surrender and rest in Him brings me back to my place of peace. God is good. God IS good! I used to fight the inner struggle and STRIVE to create peace, but that never worked. I'm learning to stop and embrace the moment, no more running, and let Him show me what I'm feeling so that I can grow and release my life into His hands once again. I have yet to be disappointed with His better plan. I may feel overwhelmed at times and I may 'share' what that feels like to me; but it is often the result of an abundance of days, when I try to suppress the feelings, is when I am bringing the most harm to myself. Once I say what I feel, out loud, that is what brings a release that most definitely pours clarity on me. That is one of the clearest ways God uses to speak to my heart. He reminds me that trusting Him in area A and B for my life doesn't override my need to trust Him in area C of my life too. I must surrender control and rest in Him to keep me on the narrow path. I so want to jump ship and do MY thang... and yet that never satisfies.
My every day at home with my kids IS the most rewarding journey of my life. I am amazed that God blesses me with the gift of parenting AND teaching them. If I were to abandon this assignment then I would not be fulfilling my calling. This is my calling - to be Mother and Teacher to my children. It is not an assignment I chose for myself. I often feel overwhelmed by the weight of this assignment and yet the rewards are the sweetest I've ever known. A bad day is just that, it only turns into a bad week or month or more when I try to deny my pain and self-soothe. My soothing tendencies are often ways of escape rather than facing the matter at hand fully. I am so thankful that He hovers ever near me on those days. He gives strength to me as He reveals myself to me. I do not think I could look fully at my filthy self if I did not have His grace hovering above whispering 'I am with you. I love you. I have GOOD plans for you. Let go so I can take the wheel. Let go - I will care for you beautifully. Don't you remember? We've faced this moment together before. I am still here, whenever you are ready to rest and let Me take that burden. I can handle this. I can. I love you daughter. Won't you trust Me again?'
This panic is what yesterday and last night felt like to me. Today I wake up feeling refreshed and as though the load is lighter - I am one of those people who has to SAY it. It doesn't define me. It is just a feeling and a feeling isn't truth, it is how I feel at the moment. A feeling is a skewed view of what is truth. So I am learning to release the 'seems likes' and the 'feelings' sooner than later. The 'feelings' I let linger almost always mislead me into the land of me, myself and I. I want to see truth more clearly and so I choose the truth. Thank you God for hovering ever near, when I am caught up in my feelings.
Monday, January 3, 2011
The End and The Beginning
2010 is now over. Wow! What a great journey 2010 was for us. We have had our share of years that brought us sorrow or regret, but 2010 was not one of those years. 2010 was the beginning of the restoration journey God had for us and one of the major themes was a restoring of JOY! JOY was restored to us at many depths and layers I could not begin to articulate. We've truly seen sorrow become joy, we've truly seen mourning become laughing. We've lived it. What a reward. To know the depths of loss AND restoration is a true gift. Even looking back upon some of our most painful years, I see them clearly today as precious gifts. Lessons learned and growth. Treasures. 2010 - you are a year worth remembering the goodness of the Lord to our family. Thank you Abba Father for showering us with your precious gifts of restoration at every turn in 2010. Thank you for the joy of the unknown being restored as beautiful, instead of painful and full of fear. Thank you for being more real to us than ever before! You are such a GOOD Father!
I look now at 2011 and wonder - what in the world could be ahead of us? 201o brought head-spinning change and restoration and JOY unspeakable and Peace that passes ALL understanding. 2011 - what treasures are you full of? What awaits us? How can I prepare myself for what He has in store for me?
I have never, and I mean never - not as far as I can recall - been a 'New Year's Resolution' girl. What is the point? I do not get it? I do not know what tomorrow holds - so how do I dare resolve anything? I desire to know God more, a desire I've had pounding away within my heart as far as I can recall. I desire to be who I'm called to be. I desire to do what I'm called to do - but I do not dare resolve to do, or abstain from, anything. The one thing I have repeatedly failed to do, every.single.year! is to read through the Bible in a year. I've come awful close to accomplishing that goal and I do desire to accomplish that at some point, but this year - as I thought about starting fresh with the One Year Bible - I realized that is not the most important accomplishment of my life. It would be fruitful but it isn't required.
As I sit here it hit me - how much MORE important it would be for me to read one passage or verse this year, over and over and over, as He so prompts me. To read what HE places on my heart and to saturate myself in that word. To read and know His word is a beautiful thing but how much more beautiful to know THE word He has for me this year. And as I begin to wash myself in His word for my life - I am honed in on the area He desires for me to bear fruit. What a better plan! I cannot fail at that! I have failed miserably at reading every word of the Bible, so far, but I can zero in on that still small voice and wash my heart in His word to ME this year. So that is what I am desiring to do - again not resolving - and I pray to be washed in His word as He so guides me with His still small voice. I'm busting with excitement knowing that He has prompted this idea for me and that means HE HAS A MESSAGE JUST FOR ME! (He has one for you too!)
I look now at 2011 and wonder - what in the world could be ahead of us? 201o brought head-spinning change and restoration and JOY unspeakable and Peace that passes ALL understanding. 2011 - what treasures are you full of? What awaits us? How can I prepare myself for what He has in store for me?
I have never, and I mean never - not as far as I can recall - been a 'New Year's Resolution' girl. What is the point? I do not get it? I do not know what tomorrow holds - so how do I dare resolve anything? I desire to know God more, a desire I've had pounding away within my heart as far as I can recall. I desire to be who I'm called to be. I desire to do what I'm called to do - but I do not dare resolve to do, or abstain from, anything. The one thing I have repeatedly failed to do, every.single.year! is to read through the Bible in a year. I've come awful close to accomplishing that goal and I do desire to accomplish that at some point, but this year - as I thought about starting fresh with the One Year Bible - I realized that is not the most important accomplishment of my life. It would be fruitful but it isn't required.
As I sit here it hit me - how much MORE important it would be for me to read one passage or verse this year, over and over and over, as He so prompts me. To read what HE places on my heart and to saturate myself in that word. To read and know His word is a beautiful thing but how much more beautiful to know THE word He has for me this year. And as I begin to wash myself in His word for my life - I am honed in on the area He desires for me to bear fruit. What a better plan! I cannot fail at that! I have failed miserably at reading every word of the Bible, so far, but I can zero in on that still small voice and wash my heart in His word to ME this year. So that is what I am desiring to do - again not resolving - and I pray to be washed in His word as He so guides me with His still small voice. I'm busting with excitement knowing that He has prompted this idea for me and that means HE HAS A MESSAGE JUST FOR ME! (He has one for you too!)
Monday, December 27, 2010
Recalculating
Sometimes we have setbacks that seem to 'interrupt' our well thought out plans. What a gift when we realize they are unexpected gifts to us from God. His BEST plan often rudely crashes into our 'good' plan and sends us spinning. I'm learning to not be jolted into the 'I can fix this mode' but stop and experience the interruption fully. I'm learning what a gift those interruptions can be.
Those 'interruptions' are often God's BEST gifts to us because we didn't know we even needed them. At least that's what I'm learning. He always gives good gifts. Even if it wasn't His plan for us to have certain interruptions, which I know that happens too, He turns all things to our good. He turns the bad into good for us - so even the awful crashes that interrupt us, and are not from Him, He reigns supreme and can turn those around for our good too! That is a safe place to be - under the shadow of His tender loving care. No harm shall come nigh us, from the right or the left. But just like with Job, some things are allowed that ultimately hurt like hell. They hurt and hurt and hurt but.... if we give that hurt to Him, He can turn it into good.
He is only limited by what we willingly give over to Him. If we have a tight grip on the good or bad crash - He has no control. How many people can drive a car at one time? Only one person can sit in the drivers seat, and for good reason. My husband and I are proof of that! We both have our own 'idea' of which is the quickest way to go from A to B. Could you imagine? Me turning the wheel left as he pulls it right? Both of us convinced we are making the best choice. But ultimately we can only go one way and it requires one person surrendering their grasp of the wheel and agreeing to the driver's choice. It is the same with God. We must release control to Him first, before He can guide us on our way.
I recently read a facebook status of a friend that read "God is like a navigational device in your car. If it says go 10 blocks and turn left and you go 10 blocks and turn right He doesn't abandon what you need to do, He just recalculates what you need to do to get to where you are supposed to be based upon where you are." He finds another way to rescue us from our choice... but we must choose to turn at His next prompting. He won't force us to turn anymore than GPS will - it simply again 'recalculates' until we yield to the correct path. Until we release our plan - He cannot guide us, He continues to tell us the BEST way - but we ultimately choose to listen or not. His BEST for us requires our willing surrender to turn where He says. He is simply recaluclating until we willingly comply.
He's such a gentleman! The best part is that He knows our hearts and He knows why certain choices (regarding trusting Him) trigger fear to rise up. He knows the why behind our goofs. He knows the 'good-hearted' intention behind our acts. He sees THAT good intention far more than the harmful act. He knows we meant good and didn't realize the harm that would come in the end - He is a '2nd chance' lover! He aches to give us His best so much and yet we reject it because 'we had a plan'. So, He is left with the GIFT OF OUR LIVES in hand, aching to see us open it and He is left wanting - as He watches us say 'no' again and again and again.
He waits patiently, until we come to terms with the good gift and then.... He presents us with the beautiful best He had in mind all along, and I imagine Him BEAMING as He peers from the heavenlies telling all of heaven 'LOOK!! Look, she gets it! She wants my gift! She's letting me bless her, FINALLY! OH! The day I've longed for is here - she's letting me heal her heart! She's letting me turn this to her good! She said YES to me! She said YES to me! Oh! LOOK!" He delights in us, you know! He grieves with us, you know! He cherishes everything about us, you know! He waits breathless, as He longs for you to say 'Yes'.
Those 'interruptions' are often God's BEST gifts to us because we didn't know we even needed them. At least that's what I'm learning. He always gives good gifts. Even if it wasn't His plan for us to have certain interruptions, which I know that happens too, He turns all things to our good. He turns the bad into good for us - so even the awful crashes that interrupt us, and are not from Him, He reigns supreme and can turn those around for our good too! That is a safe place to be - under the shadow of His tender loving care. No harm shall come nigh us, from the right or the left. But just like with Job, some things are allowed that ultimately hurt like hell. They hurt and hurt and hurt but.... if we give that hurt to Him, He can turn it into good.
He is only limited by what we willingly give over to Him. If we have a tight grip on the good or bad crash - He has no control. How many people can drive a car at one time? Only one person can sit in the drivers seat, and for good reason. My husband and I are proof of that! We both have our own 'idea' of which is the quickest way to go from A to B. Could you imagine? Me turning the wheel left as he pulls it right? Both of us convinced we are making the best choice. But ultimately we can only go one way and it requires one person surrendering their grasp of the wheel and agreeing to the driver's choice. It is the same with God. We must release control to Him first, before He can guide us on our way.
I recently read a facebook status of a friend that read "God is like a navigational device in your car. If it says go 10 blocks and turn left and you go 10 blocks and turn right He doesn't abandon what you need to do, He just recalculates what you need to do to get to where you are supposed to be based upon where you are." He finds another way to rescue us from our choice... but we must choose to turn at His next prompting. He won't force us to turn anymore than GPS will - it simply again 'recalculates' until we yield to the correct path. Until we release our plan - He cannot guide us, He continues to tell us the BEST way - but we ultimately choose to listen or not. His BEST for us requires our willing surrender to turn where He says. He is simply recaluclating until we willingly comply.
He's such a gentleman! The best part is that He knows our hearts and He knows why certain choices (regarding trusting Him) trigger fear to rise up. He knows the why behind our goofs. He knows the 'good-hearted' intention behind our acts. He sees THAT good intention far more than the harmful act. He knows we meant good and didn't realize the harm that would come in the end - He is a '2nd chance' lover! He aches to give us His best so much and yet we reject it because 'we had a plan'. So, He is left with the GIFT OF OUR LIVES in hand, aching to see us open it and He is left wanting - as He watches us say 'no' again and again and again.
He waits patiently, until we come to terms with the good gift and then.... He presents us with the beautiful best He had in mind all along, and I imagine Him BEAMING as He peers from the heavenlies telling all of heaven 'LOOK!! Look, she gets it! She wants my gift! She's letting me bless her, FINALLY! OH! The day I've longed for is here - she's letting me heal her heart! She's letting me turn this to her good! She said YES to me! She said YES to me! Oh! LOOK!" He delights in us, you know! He grieves with us, you know! He cherishes everything about us, you know! He waits breathless, as He longs for you to say 'Yes'.
Friday, December 24, 2010
He Brings Restoration
What I must tell you is that when God brings restoration - it isn't as you may expect! HIS version of restoration eliminates the loss entirely. When HE brings restoration it is like you return to that place you would have been had you not ever had the 'blip'. But you do have the added treat of a lesson learned, in addtion to being restored. It is above and beyond ALL you could ask or think!!!
In the waiting - it feels like you are being stripped bare but HE so tenderly surprises you with a big 'TADAH', when you resign yourself to accepting where you are. He is FAR more concerned with your character than your wish list!! Once you comply with His plan of building your character - He pours out His GOOD gifts on you like you've never known! The sources of His gifts are literally from every direction and can come from people you don't even know and those who you do love and know! It is unending and overwhelming! God is truly amazing - He BRINGS restoration - as your SOUL prospers - so does He bring prosperity to you!
HIS gifts have NO sorrow attached! NONE! NADA! That's how you know which gifts are from Him! Not one drop of sorrow, although during the journey TO restoration you feel like you've lost everything you ever thought truly mattered!! What you learn is that what you once thought brought sorrow is really the road to joy and beauty! But you cannot SEE the truth in that until you get to the other side of the journey!
In the waiting - it feels like you are being stripped bare but HE so tenderly surprises you with a big 'TADAH', when you resign yourself to accepting where you are. He is FAR more concerned with your character than your wish list!! Once you comply with His plan of building your character - He pours out His GOOD gifts on you like you've never known! The sources of His gifts are literally from every direction and can come from people you don't even know and those who you do love and know! It is unending and overwhelming! God is truly amazing - He BRINGS restoration - as your SOUL prospers - so does He bring prosperity to you!
HIS gifts have NO sorrow attached! NONE! NADA! That's how you know which gifts are from Him! Not one drop of sorrow, although during the journey TO restoration you feel like you've lost everything you ever thought truly mattered!! What you learn is that what you once thought brought sorrow is really the road to joy and beauty! But you cannot SEE the truth in that until you get to the other side of the journey!
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